To Smack

Eagle's Wings kindly provided me a link in response to my “Being a Dad” post. Arwen then responded to the content of the site the link was to, and as I don’t have anything else sensible to blog about today I thought I would take up the issue in a post!

For me personally, the theories of parenting that seem to make the most sense are those dealing with “attachment parenting.” How this works out in practice for me...well, we will have to wait and see but I will keep you informed!!

I think the link to the particular site that Eagle's Wings sent me is clearly trying very hard to find the right path in parenting, and address the question, "how can we parent in a godly manner?" I believe however, that the answers it comes up with are wrong. For example, here is an extract from the site:

Eileen wrote in concerned about a problem she felt that she was having with her childs behaviour in church:

"I am unable to find any specific advice on how to get a young child (ours is 18 months) to sit still in church. We would so like to have him in the service with us instead of the nursery, but that is completely unrealistic right now. You wouldn't advocate spanking him right in the middle of church, would you? He is otherwise a fairly well-behaved, happy little boy who has responded well to your training techniques."

The response to this given by the web site is :

“Please don't do that! Don't disrupt the entire church to spank your child. When you train at home you will not have to train in public. Go home and train. Set up a training session each day, duplicating as closely as possible the church service. Sit in uncomfortable chairs and play some hymns on the stereo. Then play teaching or preaching tapes while the family sits quietly and listens. Or you can sit beside him and read the Bible in a monotone voice. Better yet, if you don’t have the electronic media and you are able to induce your spouse to assist you, let your husband pretend he is the preacher and carry on for a little while, saying nothing interesting. Keep your switch handy, but not visible during this session. Speak in a whisper or use sign language as you would in church. If the child offends at a level that would be inappropriate in church, then swat him while making your sign language or while whispering your correction. "


I am involved in the leadership of church service, and find this description of church deeply disturbing. I am more than happy to have children being children in church! And I at least attempt to make sure that it provides them with some stimulation and sense of the presence of God. I could rant on that for hours alone, but I want to address the issue I consider far more important and disturbing: the idea of using a switch on an 18 mnth old child.


The issue of smacking has raged strongly in the UK as it has in many other parts of the world. The recommendations (to punish a child with a "rod" or "whip") of the website in question would be considered illegal in England, and in my opinion rightly so.

For this reason (and only this reason) I have taken the unusual step of removing the comments of both Eagle's Wings and Arwen, as they contain links to this website, and I am not comfortable providing links to a webpage which advocates something which is illegal in this county.


My attitude to smacking children is very much based on the kind of person I would like my child to become. My hope is that my child will be able to,with time, have a reasoned conversation about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Until that time I hope that the tone of my voice, and the way I respond to my child will show what is and isn’t okay. My hope is that as they grow older they will not feel the need to use physical force to convince someone of their belief, or to “get their own way” and that they will, as much as possible,be able to avoid situations in which others use physical force to coheres them.

I realise that we live in a society where this is not always possible, and on rare occasions I have had to use physical force to restrain someone. I worked for a while as a bouncer, and for a while in a hostel and over a period of two years I found a few occasions where force was required to prevent someone hurting themselves or someone else. I did not however, even in these situations find it necessary to hit them, instead I used the minimum force required to safely restrain them and then only at times where drink or drugs had made them incapable of reason, or I felt it was best to remove an iron bar from someones hand before talking through the issues surrounding attempting to beat someone to death with it.

I find it hard then to visualise a situation where a baby or child would be able to behave in a manner which would require me to strike them. If I can handle a 18 stone drunk man who is swearing and aggressive without slapping him, why should I need to slap a child? Both are fairly incapable of reason, yet in both cases, a potentially dangerous situations can be made safe, (by removing an iron bar from a drunk man, or lifting a baby away from a plug socket). In most cases I have found the tone of my voice and my physical presence are sufficient to convey that I am taking control of the situation, and that it will be alright.

In my youth work I have come across a lot of very broken people. Never have I felt the need to break a “hard case”. Instead I have tried to show people that they are cared for and valued, that their lives have meaning, and there is hope for them, and so, again, I can't subscribe to a style of parenting that suggests you have to “break a child” and let them know you are in charge. They can, I believe,know that you are indeed the parent, without you having to instil fear. As a broken man, I have no desire to break my child. Instead I hope, I pray, I will be able to be a parent who can help guide a child into becoming the person they are capable of being, whole, fulfilled, and loved.

Yours as ever,

The Broken Man

It's A Man Thing

Men don’t talk. We don’t, not really. Not since the tribal councils of centuries ago. Men might compare notes on football but that seems to be about it. You sometimes see a few of them scurrying about after church service struggling to find anything to say to each other or anyone else; and so it was in an attempt to provide a forum for communication, that a year ago, I set up the Men's Breakfasts at my church. We now have a turn-out of about 20 men aged from 12-85 once every six weeks who get together for a fry up and chat on the topic of the day. So it was, on Saturday morning, that the alarm clock went off at 5 past stupid o’clock and I crawled out of bed.

I need to make this very, very clear – I do not like mornings. Hate them. I am not someone who wakes up with a spring in my step – I wake up wanting to go back to sleep. Why, oh why, did the idea of Men's Breakfasts seem so sensible? I thought of it on an afternoon. Not first thing in the morning. That was part of the problem.

It should be noted that I had been to only one such thing before – many years previousy..and hated it..so why I thought I would enjoy it by running it I don’t know. Despite the ridiculous hour though, I really do. I tend to speak for a few mins on a topic and then throw it open for discussion, and with a clear topic to discuss we find ourselves talking, challenging each other, revealing our past to each other, and then on Sunday, there seems to be less scuttling; we seem to, at last, recognise each other.


So the next topic is... "Is God a Man?" (I want to call it "Has God got a Penis", but may have to tone it down a little!!)

So many books, articles, writers – talk about demascalising God – or rather showing the feminine of God, and yet although it's an issue that I have discussed with lots of women, I have never discussed with men. So much of the Bible is written by men for men (I can hear the cries already – "INSPIRED BY GOD!!! INSPIRED BY GOD!!") but when it comes down to it – whenever we describe God, we limit God – God is the great I AM. Anything more we say; any description we find is to small to contain God.

So we will see..but here and now, at midday, it seems worth getting up early in the morning to sit around with menfolk and put the world to rights…