In the next 2-3 months I am going to be a dad. It seems like a normal sentence, one which could have been written by any of several billion people over human history. Yet as every expectant father knows, there is nothing in all that shared experience and knowledge that helps you feel even a little bit more capable or prepared for the task.
I have often “joked” here that we won't be doing the whole crying thing – I will have a chat. I will explain acceptable behaviour. Tantrums? No. That will not happen. This will be a civilised parenting experience. My world is a rational one. It has a methodology. It takes me from one point to another.
The emotional side of things I have never been great with in honesty. After saying “there, there” I am, in honesty, done. There is a set quantity (small) of responding to emotions that I consider to be unavoidable. I don’t want to sound cold...really…but people crying…it's all a bit dull in honesty…and loud crying..well that’s just bad manners.
So I picture myself at 3 am with a crying baby not knowing how to settle it..and I feel very, very lost and, well.... really rather broken.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am very excited by it all too, really I am. Just also terrified.
With every bit of breath in my body, with all that I am, I ask that God might guide me and transform me into a person who won't completely screw up my childs life.
Yours in fear,
The Broken Man
Showing posts with label excitement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label excitement. Show all posts
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Friday, 1 August 2008
Baby Scan
We have just had a baby scan. I know what I am meant to say here. I know the rules of this game, and I know there are some women reading this, and I don’t want to get in trouble so..
"WOW its just so incredible to see my baby! I can't begin to tell you how exciting it was to see my baby…" Okay, you can stop reading now. Leave it right there and everyone will be happy.
The first scan was incredibly exciting, and was really clear, and I did feel all those incredible emotions. The second one was a few weeks later, and wasn’t such a big deal as we had been for the emergency scan already, and in honesty the second scan wasn’t as clear as the first one.
This one – well to be honest there was lots of searching around and “we” had decided not to find out the baby's gender (I am sure I have talked about that so won't go on about it again). So for me, as that was something they could look for and were not, its like being told; "here is something really exciting (okay, okay, someone) but you don’t get to know the exciting bit yet – the surprise bit – and you don’t get to play with it yet." Please don’t hate me – I was bored.
It's not that I am not excited about having a baby, I really, really am. It's just that, well, an odd medical image which looks like an x-ray on a monitor just didn’t make my heart flutter. I know I should have been wiping a tear away from my eye, but in all honesty I was fighting the urge to pick up my book. Okay, this makes me a terrible person, I know that, I suspect particuarly mothers, expectant and those already with children will be thinking; “OH, he is one of those men”, but I thought it worth posting the unvarnished truth, as I have a suspicion (okay, a hope) that I am not alone in this...
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
"WOW its just so incredible to see my baby! I can't begin to tell you how exciting it was to see my baby…" Okay, you can stop reading now. Leave it right there and everyone will be happy.
The first scan was incredibly exciting, and was really clear, and I did feel all those incredible emotions. The second one was a few weeks later, and wasn’t such a big deal as we had been for the emergency scan already, and in honesty the second scan wasn’t as clear as the first one.
This one – well to be honest there was lots of searching around and “we” had decided not to find out the baby's gender (I am sure I have talked about that so won't go on about it again). So for me, as that was something they could look for and were not, its like being told; "here is something really exciting (okay, okay, someone) but you don’t get to know the exciting bit yet – the surprise bit – and you don’t get to play with it yet." Please don’t hate me – I was bored.
It's not that I am not excited about having a baby, I really, really am. It's just that, well, an odd medical image which looks like an x-ray on a monitor just didn’t make my heart flutter. I know I should have been wiping a tear away from my eye, but in all honesty I was fighting the urge to pick up my book. Okay, this makes me a terrible person, I know that, I suspect particuarly mothers, expectant and those already with children will be thinking; “OH, he is one of those men”, but I thought it worth posting the unvarnished truth, as I have a suspicion (okay, a hope) that I am not alone in this...
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
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