Tears after Bedtime

It seems that Grace has yet to learn how to vomit on demand. While this is a skill which most of us take in our stride, it seems that at 3 ½ weeks old there are occasions when Grace knows she wishes to be sick, but seems a little uncertain of how to go about it.

Instead of sitting down and drawing up a number of possible ways of carrying out this operation she tends to opt for screaming while sticking her tongue out intermitantly. As she screws up her eyes while doing so they look rather puffy and inclined to explode. It is not an attractive look, and as such my vocal daughter tries to avoid this model of behaviour when in company.

For visitors she sleeps, or stares wide eyed and bemused at some unidentifiable point in the room. When accompanied by the occasional smile visitors assure us that Grace is indeed very good, very lovely etc etc. They cuddle her and tell us how relaxing they find her. However, a certain time comes in the evening when the visitors have left and the vocal daughter feels she is able to drop the act.

If you can't be yourself with your family, who can you be straight with? As such she has developed a workable routine. First she pees and screams for a change. We change her. She then pees again. We affix nappy two. She then poos. We affix nappy three. She then requests food (failing to use “please”). After a short feed she indicates that she is bored and sleeps for three mins. This my wife mistakenly takes as an indication that she can stand up. Clearly this results in requests for more feeding.

Having finished feeding its time for the loo again. Discovering that this has not made her feel more comftable the vocal daughter informs us she has wind, this she does cunningly with a slightly different pitched scream while trying to knee herself repeatedly in the stomach.

10 mins or so of winding follows. Normally with nappy change. At this point the vocal daughter has a difficult choice..is it time to feed…or time to vomit? Sometimes unsure which to go for she will attempt a feed and give up to return to crying while sticking out her tongue. A state which she feels able to maintain for some considerable time before returning to the start of the procedure.

Yesterday I came in from a meeting to find the long suffering wife sitting on the sofa having been able to do little other than hold our vocal daughter as she expressed her discomfort. As the long suffering wife was unable to find a method for relieving the distress of Grace, she opted for holding her, while rocking slightly and crying herself, on the principle that, if you can't beat them, join them.

Fortunately for me the vocal daughter decided that she would indeed now vomit (just after I picked her up), and as such would return to a temporary state of calm. An extra pair of hands providing the exciting opportunity for the long suffering wife of having some extended leisure time (10 mins in the shower followed by a cup of tea).

I have of course explained at length to the vocal daughter that having informed me of her discomfort due to winding, cuddling, feeding or nappy changing, she does not need to continue to inform me of it. One short screech for each requirement is sufficient, after which a pause of at least five mins in which the need she has identified is addressed, would to my mind prove to be a far better system.

Despite careful explanations, and even on occasion’s diagrams and a pie chart, the vocal daughter has yet to grasp the finer points of my proposal. I suspect that I need to provide a flow chart for her to ensure that she fully gets to grips with my proposal.

Yours as ever

The Broken Man

In Search of Poo

One of the most interesting things about having a blog hit counter is that it can tell you how people have found out about your blog. Most people come to it through another blog, but there are a number of people who find me through Google.

"What searches do people put in to come up with this blog?" I hear you cry….(please do play along). The answer you are probably anticipating is “charming man”, “wry and rather intelligent individual”, or perhaps “perfect father”. You will, no doubt, be as shocked as me to discover then that searches of my blog have included “different types of baby poo and what they mean”, “man wearing nappy”, and of course, the old classic “man covered in poo”.

It seems that my few posts on the topic of poo have, in fact, propelled this blog to the leading place for people to turn in times of desperate need for poo information. Even writing this entry will I fear, result in yet more hit results for the poo searchers out there.

So this is a note to all those who have come looking for poo. This is now declared a poo free zone. You will have to find it elsewhere.

Yours in constipation,

The Broken Man

More Poo

I found myself in a profound philosophical dilemma the other day. I went to see my spiritual director and, as I left, I asked to use his loo. Sitting at the bottom of it was an large unflushed poo. Being a man of the world, I merrily peed onto of it, and flushed – only to discover that the poo in question had retained its original position. I now found myself in an awkward position; my spiritual director was hanging about the hall, and I had already flushed. To tackle this poo – someone else’s poo - would have required a vigorous attack with the toilet brush followed by more flushing; an enterprise I did not fancy, and one which would sound odd from the outside of the loo. However leaving the aforementioned poo in place means that on his next visit to the loo he may believe I have had the ill-grace to leave this greeting for him, and he may believe I was responsible depositing it. I feel certain that Plato never faced such a sticky situation.

I resolved myself to the possible shame and fled, leaving it in situ.

Just thought I would share...

Yours as ever,

The Broken Man

Poo

Having posted my smug "babies don’t cost much" post, I have started to look at the price of nappies. WOW, that hurts! To make things fun and with a nod to the landfill site issue, we thought it would be good to go down the reusable road so I thought I would have a quick google see which is best and get some. Not really so easy though is it? Do you want a nappy made out of bamboo, or out of goose feathers; do you want it attached to the baby with zips, velcro, poppers, a nail gun, string..and the cost of them – let me just mention that again – this is not a choice you can afford to get wrong.

I am one for experimenting; I will happily try different types of most things, but excuse me if I don’t feel to excited about picking a type that is poorly-fitting and results in me and my furniture getting covered in baby poo. It's also all very well saying "oh, we will try samples from different places", but that can mean lots of costs to different places. After the baby is actually born I will need to have a nappy there and then. If possible, I would like to have worked out how to operate it, so that, when it comes to putting nappies on the baby, instead of looking confused, bemused and generally incompetent I will have the appearance of a skilled competent (and rather dashing) father who makes mothers of other babies catch their breath as they wish that their husbands / life partners / significant others were such a master nappy putter-onners themselves.

What I don’t want is to be looking confused, befudled and slightly dumbfounded as I try and work out which way up the baby goes and how to get baby poo of my white shirt.

HELP! Please note – I do not want to be told that lots of good brands are out there etc, I want solid advice on “this is the best one, get it and your life will be better”! I can then get hold of some before baby is born and practice putting them on to a soft toy whilst wearing a blind fold.

Yours as ever

The Broken Man.