Standing at a family party with a cousin of the long suffering wife, I was asked what I am currently doing with my life. It's small talk, no one cares. I tell him I am training to be a priest. I quickly add; "it's okay, I don’t like Christians. Or church." I joke about the outfits that go with the job. It's a routine that I have become well accustomed to. I apologise, not for my faith, but the version of the chirstian faith I think most people think of when they hear the word "Christian". It all sounds so uncool, and I know that doesn’t matter, I know it's not what really counts. But I also believe, so deeply, and maybe so incorrectly that if you found out the person you were talking to was a Zen Master, or Rabbi, or .. well anything but a Christian you would think "wow, interesting" instead of "wow, I have to go now."
I wish I could find a way of explaning without the silly jokes that no-one laughs at and without the apologetic look, that I believe in a God who is incredible, who isn’t trapped in the pages of a book or chained to a church pew. Even the word "God" seems to lack something - it's musty and worn out. I don’t think I have come to terms with being a Christian yet – never mind becoming a priest one day. I am aware, really I am, that my spiel isn’t helping and that I need to find someway to be real – and I know some will say "you just need to be you, just need to tell it as it is, just need to....." but it's no little "just" – its not like there is a perfectly formed me somewhere I just need to let come out, it's (to go to the old images) like I am a stone covered in rubbish that needs grinding down till at last something more shapely is found, that deep within it all is the person I am meant to be but that it will take years – a life time under the hand of a crafts man to find the precious stone!
Oh, this entry is sickly. If I was reading this I would throw up.
Shudders
Yours as ever
In self disgust
The Broken Man
Showing posts with label Christian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christian. Show all posts
Monday, 6 October 2008
Friday, 22 August 2008
It's all about sex
I was asked the other day about why Christians go for the "no sex before marriage" thing, so I thought I would put up something about it.
Lots of the time, people believe that Christianity is all about rules; that Christianity sets out a list of things you can’t do that are designed to make you life worse. This is a bit of a bizarre belief when you actually look at Christian teaching. Let me give an example with a child. IF I was to tell my child that it shouldn’t put it's hand in a bowl of boiling water most people would accept that this “rule” was not from a deep desire for me to be controlling, but rather from a desire not to see my child burnt.
Contraception is a fairly new thing; the way we are wired is that when we have sex we may well get someone pregnant. So, Christians say, "look, if you are saying you are ready to bring a child into the world together, then really you are saying you are ready to make a lifelong commitment to each other." IF you have sex with someone you are not ready to have a child with then actually all the emotional connections etc still happen, and if that person gets pregnant there are going to be some fairly major issues. This really isn’t rocket science.
Part of the problem however is that Christians seem to be very afraid to actually talk about sex. I saw an article not to long ago in the Church Times, that said in a survey conducted loads of Christians said that using sex toys was fine, but none were prepared to say it openly. For the record, I really see no problem with sex toys at all. None. If people want to use toys to enhance their time in bed, on the sofa, on the living room floor – then why not? I believe we are made to enjoy sex, and I really don’t see why some people have such an issue with toys – however if anyone has a sensible reason why they are a problem then please do let me know...
That’s it. Nothing too interesting today – but I am still in pain. Other people's pain is the most boring type. My sister-in-law, when she has tooth ache or some such ailment, will inform me every few minutes that it still hurts...there is nothing I can do about it – I have done the “oh dear” thing – and I know you can’t help me but I do feel a compulsion to make sure that other people here me say “oh, that smarts” if for no other reason than in suffering the irritation of me going on about it you will be sharing a bit of my pain.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Lots of the time, people believe that Christianity is all about rules; that Christianity sets out a list of things you can’t do that are designed to make you life worse. This is a bit of a bizarre belief when you actually look at Christian teaching. Let me give an example with a child. IF I was to tell my child that it shouldn’t put it's hand in a bowl of boiling water most people would accept that this “rule” was not from a deep desire for me to be controlling, but rather from a desire not to see my child burnt.
Contraception is a fairly new thing; the way we are wired is that when we have sex we may well get someone pregnant. So, Christians say, "look, if you are saying you are ready to bring a child into the world together, then really you are saying you are ready to make a lifelong commitment to each other." IF you have sex with someone you are not ready to have a child with then actually all the emotional connections etc still happen, and if that person gets pregnant there are going to be some fairly major issues. This really isn’t rocket science.
Part of the problem however is that Christians seem to be very afraid to actually talk about sex. I saw an article not to long ago in the Church Times, that said in a survey conducted loads of Christians said that using sex toys was fine, but none were prepared to say it openly. For the record, I really see no problem with sex toys at all. None. If people want to use toys to enhance their time in bed, on the sofa, on the living room floor – then why not? I believe we are made to enjoy sex, and I really don’t see why some people have such an issue with toys – however if anyone has a sensible reason why they are a problem then please do let me know...
That’s it. Nothing too interesting today – but I am still in pain. Other people's pain is the most boring type. My sister-in-law, when she has tooth ache or some such ailment, will inform me every few minutes that it still hurts...there is nothing I can do about it – I have done the “oh dear” thing – and I know you can’t help me but I do feel a compulsion to make sure that other people here me say “oh, that smarts” if for no other reason than in suffering the irritation of me going on about it you will be sharing a bit of my pain.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Frequently & Infrequently Asked Questions
There are some questions which I am asked on a fairly regular basis, and often the answers are buried in other posts. My apologies if you have been reading for some time and all ready know the information below, but I thought it would be worth doing a recap for those who are new here. I will put a link up to this post in the “about me” section so new people can find this post if they so desire! If there are other regular questions that come up I will add the answers to this post .
Why do you call yourself the Broken Man?
Depending on the day I have a different answer:
I am a Broken Man because of the experiences I have gone through. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father died when I was 16, my older brother died of a heroin overdoes, and I am on my second marriage. All of this has contributed, and much more beside.
I am the Broken Man, because I am broke; I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I am the Broken man, because my body aches; I dropped a TV on my head and things haven't been right since.
I am a broken man because, to quote Morrissey, "the things I have seen could turn a good man bad". And I never was much of a good man.
I am a broken man because I suffer from depression. I have up days, and down days. On down days I want to drive my car into a brick wall and it feels like nothing will ever be okay.
I am the Broken Man, because I have spent a long time living in the dark – however – in the darkness I have found a light, a voice in the deafening silence, that calls to me, and a God who works through my brokenness, and holds the pieces together.
How did I find your blog?
When I am bored I start trawling through blogs, and it seems very rude to me to go into someone’s house without at least saying "hello". Hence, I left you a comment. I found you by putting key words into a blog search, or by following a comment you posted somewhere else, or by finding you on a blog roll of someone else, but I have a very bad memory and it is very unlikely I will now remember which route I took to your blog.
When is the baby due?
December. The wife and I are not too convinced about hospital predicted due dates – for first babies the studies we have looked at suggest that 42 weeks is more normal than 40, and when you tell people your due date they start asking lots of questions near the due date, like – "is it here yet?" So I prefer to just say “December”.
What branch of Christianity are you going to be a priest in?
I am training for ordination in the Church of England, which is an Anglican Church. I describe myself as a Christian (when I must), but rarely by denomination, as I tend to think denomination isn’t that important. Having said that, I like the way that theology is “done” in the Anglican church and hence this is where I am.
Why are you anonymous – how anonymous are you?
By being anonymous I feel I can say things I couldn’t if I wasn’t. For example – I can be rude about my church without offending anyone. I realise I am not incredibly anonymous and it would be very easy for someone with a burning desire to find out who I am to identify me, but I would prefer it this blog isn’t the first thing that someone finds if they put my name into Google.
How did you become a Christian?
This is a question I tend to avoid, as in honesty it’s a long and complex story, involving, much like the people of Israel in the Hebrew Bible account, following God for a while, and then falling away, before returning a little later. There is not a clear break where I can give you a date on which I became a Christian, rather there were many times when I made commitments which I then fell away from. The primary place that got me interested though was a youth discussion group which I attended with the express intention of disproving the existence of God. The thing that turned me off Christianity the most was those Christians who said that there were some things you shouldn’t ask questions about and just had to accept. The thing that impressed me the most was Christians who, no matter how much they disapproved of my life style, continued to care about me, and wanted me as their friend.
Where are you studying?
I am currently studying a Masters Degree in Jewish-Christian relations at the Wolfe Institute, Cambridge. My studies for ordination are taking the form of the first year of a degree course at a local theological collage, followed (probably) by a transfer to the Masters Degree in the second year of training. I am training part-time due to the financial constraints on me, but prefer not to name the place I am studying for Ordination with so that I am free to whine about the course if I want to!
Why do you call yourself the Broken Man?
Depending on the day I have a different answer:
I am a Broken Man because of the experiences I have gone through. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father died when I was 16, my older brother died of a heroin overdoes, and I am on my second marriage. All of this has contributed, and much more beside.
I am the Broken Man, because I am broke; I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I am the Broken man, because my body aches; I dropped a TV on my head and things haven't been right since.
I am a broken man because, to quote Morrissey, "the things I have seen could turn a good man bad". And I never was much of a good man.
I am a broken man because I suffer from depression. I have up days, and down days. On down days I want to drive my car into a brick wall and it feels like nothing will ever be okay.
I am the Broken Man, because I have spent a long time living in the dark – however – in the darkness I have found a light, a voice in the deafening silence, that calls to me, and a God who works through my brokenness, and holds the pieces together.
How did I find your blog?
When I am bored I start trawling through blogs, and it seems very rude to me to go into someone’s house without at least saying "hello". Hence, I left you a comment. I found you by putting key words into a blog search, or by following a comment you posted somewhere else, or by finding you on a blog roll of someone else, but I have a very bad memory and it is very unlikely I will now remember which route I took to your blog.
When is the baby due?
December. The wife and I are not too convinced about hospital predicted due dates – for first babies the studies we have looked at suggest that 42 weeks is more normal than 40, and when you tell people your due date they start asking lots of questions near the due date, like – "is it here yet?" So I prefer to just say “December”.
What branch of Christianity are you going to be a priest in?
I am training for ordination in the Church of England, which is an Anglican Church. I describe myself as a Christian (when I must), but rarely by denomination, as I tend to think denomination isn’t that important. Having said that, I like the way that theology is “done” in the Anglican church and hence this is where I am.
Why are you anonymous – how anonymous are you?
By being anonymous I feel I can say things I couldn’t if I wasn’t. For example – I can be rude about my church without offending anyone. I realise I am not incredibly anonymous and it would be very easy for someone with a burning desire to find out who I am to identify me, but I would prefer it this blog isn’t the first thing that someone finds if they put my name into Google.
How did you become a Christian?
This is a question I tend to avoid, as in honesty it’s a long and complex story, involving, much like the people of Israel in the Hebrew Bible account, following God for a while, and then falling away, before returning a little later. There is not a clear break where I can give you a date on which I became a Christian, rather there were many times when I made commitments which I then fell away from. The primary place that got me interested though was a youth discussion group which I attended with the express intention of disproving the existence of God. The thing that turned me off Christianity the most was those Christians who said that there were some things you shouldn’t ask questions about and just had to accept. The thing that impressed me the most was Christians who, no matter how much they disapproved of my life style, continued to care about me, and wanted me as their friend.
Where are you studying?
I am currently studying a Masters Degree in Jewish-Christian relations at the Wolfe Institute, Cambridge. My studies for ordination are taking the form of the first year of a degree course at a local theological collage, followed (probably) by a transfer to the Masters Degree in the second year of training. I am training part-time due to the financial constraints on me, but prefer not to name the place I am studying for Ordination with so that I am free to whine about the course if I want to!
Friday, 25 July 2008
The Ordinal
I've picked up at a charity shop for the princely sum of £1.50 a copy of “The Ordinal” inscribed to ‘Glyn, Lord Bishop of Swansea and Brecon’.
A bit of digging has identified the owner of the book as William Glyn Hughes Simon (1903-1972) who after being Bishop of Swansea and Brecon became Bishop of Llandaff and then the Archbishop of Wales for 3 years before his retirement in 1971 and death in 1972.
Perhaps this should not impress me, but owning a book that was once owned by the Archbishop of Wales seems to me to be something very special indeed. Within Judaism the prohibition against destroying the name of God means that a page containing God’s name can not simply be thrown away, it must be treated with respect and so when requiring disposal it will be buried. We talk about some churches as having an atmosphere about them, as places with walls that have been soaked in prayers. For me, without getting to mystical, books have much of the same characteristics. A prayer book, a book of liturgy, a Bible once owned by a devout person are, for me, incredible things.
With the introduction of a new prayer book in Reform Judaism, the question arose as to what to do with the old books? After much discussion it was agreed to use them as insulation for a school. The idea that, as they study, the children will be surrounded by the books, albeit in the walls, that a generation have used to call upon God, is, for me, a very special image. I find such thought and profound concern for respecting the things of God very humbling.
Back to the Ordinal; for those who don’t know, the ordinal is the liturgy, (the words used) when ordaining a Deacon, Priest, or Bishop. The standard Ordinal comes from the 1662 Book of Common Prayer, which was a revision of the 1552 text. Since then, new orders of service have been introduced, with the Alternative Service Book (1980) and then Common Worship. Despite these updates, the 1662 text is still “on the statute book” as it were. I hadn’t intended this to be a history lesson – especially not such a dull one, so back to my point, or rather getting to my point.
Reading the text from the Ordinal I am just astounded by the strength and weight of the liturgy, and it brought me back to the current disputes within the church:
“From all blindness of heart; from pride, vain-glory, and hypocrisy; from envy, hatred, and malice, and all inheritableness, Good Lord, Deliver us.
From fornication, and all other deadly sin; and from all the deceits of the world, the flesh, and the devil, Good Lord deliver us.
From all sedition, privy conspiracy, and rebellion; from all false doctrine, heresy, and schism; from hardness of heart, and contempt of thy Word and Commandment, God Lord deliver us.”
As the church faces schism, separation, and in-fighting, I can only hope that these prayers will ring in the ears of all of us involved.
Yours as always,
The Broken Man
A bit of digging has identified the owner of the book as William Glyn Hughes Simon (1903-1972) who after being Bishop of Swansea and Brecon became Bishop of Llandaff and then the Archbishop of Wales for 3 years before his retirement in 1971 and death in 1972.
Perhaps this should not impress me, but owning a book that was once owned by the Archbishop of Wales seems to me to be something very special indeed. Within Judaism the prohibition against destroying the name of God means that a page containing God’s name can not simply be thrown away, it must be treated with respect and so when requiring disposal it will be buried. We talk about some churches as having an atmosphere about them, as places with walls that have been soaked in prayers. For me, without getting to mystical, books have much of the same characteristics. A prayer book, a book of liturgy, a Bible once owned by a devout person are, for me, incredible things.
With the introduction of a new prayer book in Reform Judaism, the question arose as to what to do with the old books? After much discussion it was agreed to use them as insulation for a school. The idea that, as they study, the children will be surrounded by the books, albeit in the walls, that a generation have used to call upon God, is, for me, a very special image. I find such thought and profound concern for respecting the things of God very humbling.
Back to the Ordinal; for those who don’t know, the ordinal is the liturgy, (the words used) when ordaining a Deacon, Priest, or Bishop. The standard Ordinal comes from the 1662 Book of Common Prayer, which was a revision of the 1552 text. Since then, new orders of service have been introduced, with the Alternative Service Book (1980) and then Common Worship. Despite these updates, the 1662 text is still “on the statute book” as it were. I hadn’t intended this to be a history lesson – especially not such a dull one, so back to my point, or rather getting to my point.
Reading the text from the Ordinal I am just astounded by the strength and weight of the liturgy, and it brought me back to the current disputes within the church:
“From all blindness of heart; from pride, vain-glory, and hypocrisy; from envy, hatred, and malice, and all inheritableness, Good Lord, Deliver us.
From fornication, and all other deadly sin; and from all the deceits of the world, the flesh, and the devil, Good Lord deliver us.
From all sedition, privy conspiracy, and rebellion; from all false doctrine, heresy, and schism; from hardness of heart, and contempt of thy Word and Commandment, God Lord deliver us.”
As the church faces schism, separation, and in-fighting, I can only hope that these prayers will ring in the ears of all of us involved.
Yours as always,
The Broken Man
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
The Blog of a Broken Man
So why a broken man? It seems a fair starting question. My life history is a messy business and seems a bit unfriendly to begin my tale with woe; if you find this page of interest, then I am sure we will get to know each other as time goes on, but at least a little explanation seems only right.
My life has contained much in the way of disaster. I can not claim more than others, however; the experinces I have had now seem common place. The loss of a brother to heroin, the loss of a wife to another man, money…ahh, now there is an issue..but I am sure we will come onto that in time.
I have lived through some dark times, as Morrissey once sang, "the things I have seen could make a good man turn bad". My story is not one of someone turned black by the world, however. As this page is black and my writing shines out bright and white, so it is with my life. It is written that those living in darkness have seen a great light, and that is my story. While I am broken, a cracked pot as the expression goes, shines light through those cracks.
As by now I am sure you will have guessed, I am a Christian. It’s a phrase that doesn’t easily roll of my tongue, in honesty; in England Christians have a bit of a bad name, they are associated with hypocrisy, and mediocrity. Faith is something that goes on behind closed doors, and what goes on in churches often seems unrelated to a belief in the Divine. My belief is in a God who is whiter than white, whot blasts away the most impressive advert for a new cleaning powder, I believe in a God who shines and expels darkness, who takes our brokenness, who takes all that has ever gone wrong, all that we have ever done and thought, and transforms it into something beautiful. Strength comes not from this broken husk, but from the God who breathes life into dry bones.
So this blog, this journal, if you care to follow it, will be the story of a broken man, hopefully, bit by bit, made more whole. When writing something like this one wonders who will read it, who will care about the ramblings of a stranger on the other side of the globe, so if you chance upon this page do introduce yourself, let me know that you popped by.
You have a right to wonder what you will find if you where to draw up a seat next to the fire on a regular basis, if you make this a point of departure in your busy day. Who’s life will be laid before you? Well, I am a 32 year old man, married to a wonderful women who is now 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have been accepted for training for ordination as a priest, but whether or not I can become a priest depends on whether I am able to clear debts accrued through negative equity. I will keep you posted as to how that goes, and will, undoubtedly, write about life as a father-to-be and my training. It’s a pleasure to meet you..I hope you enjoy your stay.
I think that is more than enough of an introduction, time to get down to the business at hand.
ENTRY ONE
Today my wife is 16 weeks and one day pregnant with our first child. It took five years for her to become pregnant, and we had given up hope. We had looked into infertility treatment, into the options available and felt unable to go down that road. The creation of embryos outside the womb, and the “disposal” of those not required seemed a step too far. A step into a world where we would prefer to leave God firmly in charge. So we prayed the prayers of the Bible and cried out as so many have before for a child. When my wife fell pregnant someone asked her, “Was it a miracle?”
It’s a good question. To answer "yes" seems to suggest that those who recieve no apparent answer, or a "no", have somehow been neglected by God but to say "no", seems to deny God’s hand in it. When I sit and think about it, I am certain that every birth, every pregnancy, every breath we take is a miracle, a gift which should be cherished, which we should take with gratitude. Is my wife’s pregnancy more of a miracle than me being able to open my eyes this morning? The only difference seems to be that I don’t often pray that I will wake up in the morning. We are surrounded by miracles, we just fail to see them for what they are. So yes, my wife being pregnant is a mircle, and one that I will thank God for every day of my life.
I can not begin to express how happy I am that she is pregnent, that we will be parents, that I will be a father. I wonder what kind of a father I will be, and confess I am worried, worried about all the mistakes I am sure I will make. Even now we discuss in every detail how we would like to bring up our child, even now I feel a twinge of panic about my inability. Hence, again, I come back to the statement that I am a broken man, made of clay. I try to remind myself it's not through what I can do, through my abilities, my skills – my roguish good looks (well, ok, I don’t have roguish good looks!) that God will work, it's through the cracks, the acknowledgments of my incapability that God can work. Its only when I say, "okay God, this is in your hands" instead of trying to do it all myself that God really gets a chance to work.
One of the things I love about God is that He is a gentlemen, this is not to imply that God is exclusively male, but rather that God has manners. God gets involved in the areas of our life we open him up to, not in the areas we lock away. The areas we lock away or try to, that’s where we have the trouble..
My lunch break is reaching an end, so I will end it there. Its been a pleasure, see you tomorrow?
A Broken Man
My life has contained much in the way of disaster. I can not claim more than others, however; the experinces I have had now seem common place. The loss of a brother to heroin, the loss of a wife to another man, money…ahh, now there is an issue..but I am sure we will come onto that in time.
I have lived through some dark times, as Morrissey once sang, "the things I have seen could make a good man turn bad". My story is not one of someone turned black by the world, however. As this page is black and my writing shines out bright and white, so it is with my life. It is written that those living in darkness have seen a great light, and that is my story. While I am broken, a cracked pot as the expression goes, shines light through those cracks.
As by now I am sure you will have guessed, I am a Christian. It’s a phrase that doesn’t easily roll of my tongue, in honesty; in England Christians have a bit of a bad name, they are associated with hypocrisy, and mediocrity. Faith is something that goes on behind closed doors, and what goes on in churches often seems unrelated to a belief in the Divine. My belief is in a God who is whiter than white, whot blasts away the most impressive advert for a new cleaning powder, I believe in a God who shines and expels darkness, who takes our brokenness, who takes all that has ever gone wrong, all that we have ever done and thought, and transforms it into something beautiful. Strength comes not from this broken husk, but from the God who breathes life into dry bones.
So this blog, this journal, if you care to follow it, will be the story of a broken man, hopefully, bit by bit, made more whole. When writing something like this one wonders who will read it, who will care about the ramblings of a stranger on the other side of the globe, so if you chance upon this page do introduce yourself, let me know that you popped by.
You have a right to wonder what you will find if you where to draw up a seat next to the fire on a regular basis, if you make this a point of departure in your busy day. Who’s life will be laid before you? Well, I am a 32 year old man, married to a wonderful women who is now 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have been accepted for training for ordination as a priest, but whether or not I can become a priest depends on whether I am able to clear debts accrued through negative equity. I will keep you posted as to how that goes, and will, undoubtedly, write about life as a father-to-be and my training. It’s a pleasure to meet you..I hope you enjoy your stay.
I think that is more than enough of an introduction, time to get down to the business at hand.
ENTRY ONE
Today my wife is 16 weeks and one day pregnant with our first child. It took five years for her to become pregnant, and we had given up hope. We had looked into infertility treatment, into the options available and felt unable to go down that road. The creation of embryos outside the womb, and the “disposal” of those not required seemed a step too far. A step into a world where we would prefer to leave God firmly in charge. So we prayed the prayers of the Bible and cried out as so many have before for a child. When my wife fell pregnant someone asked her, “Was it a miracle?”
It’s a good question. To answer "yes" seems to suggest that those who recieve no apparent answer, or a "no", have somehow been neglected by God but to say "no", seems to deny God’s hand in it. When I sit and think about it, I am certain that every birth, every pregnancy, every breath we take is a miracle, a gift which should be cherished, which we should take with gratitude. Is my wife’s pregnancy more of a miracle than me being able to open my eyes this morning? The only difference seems to be that I don’t often pray that I will wake up in the morning. We are surrounded by miracles, we just fail to see them for what they are. So yes, my wife being pregnant is a mircle, and one that I will thank God for every day of my life.
I can not begin to express how happy I am that she is pregnent, that we will be parents, that I will be a father. I wonder what kind of a father I will be, and confess I am worried, worried about all the mistakes I am sure I will make. Even now we discuss in every detail how we would like to bring up our child, even now I feel a twinge of panic about my inability. Hence, again, I come back to the statement that I am a broken man, made of clay. I try to remind myself it's not through what I can do, through my abilities, my skills – my roguish good looks (well, ok, I don’t have roguish good looks!) that God will work, it's through the cracks, the acknowledgments of my incapability that God can work. Its only when I say, "okay God, this is in your hands" instead of trying to do it all myself that God really gets a chance to work.
One of the things I love about God is that He is a gentlemen, this is not to imply that God is exclusively male, but rather that God has manners. God gets involved in the areas of our life we open him up to, not in the areas we lock away. The areas we lock away or try to, that’s where we have the trouble..
My lunch break is reaching an end, so I will end it there. Its been a pleasure, see you tomorrow?
A Broken Man
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