I spoke to the relevant people about my debt at the weekend. I have been told that even if I need to go bankrupt, as long as the bankruptcy is discharged before I reach the stage of being ordained it will be okay. Obviously I don’t want to go down that particularly road, but I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders now that my situation is known and I havent been kicked of the course. Was going to leave this to go with a bigger write up on the weekend, but don’t know when or if I will get around to doing that and so many people have been praying about this, and asking about it, I felt I should tell you as soon as possible!
I am not much one for joy..but…just on this one occasion..I will offer a “Yippie”.
Yippie.
I realise that was an undignified outburst, but I feel it was called for. Just this once mind you.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Showing posts with label ordination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ordination. Show all posts
Monday, 29 September 2008
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Frequently & Infrequently Asked Questions
There are some questions which I am asked on a fairly regular basis, and often the answers are buried in other posts. My apologies if you have been reading for some time and all ready know the information below, but I thought it would be worth doing a recap for those who are new here. I will put a link up to this post in the “about me” section so new people can find this post if they so desire! If there are other regular questions that come up I will add the answers to this post .
Why do you call yourself the Broken Man?
Depending on the day I have a different answer:
I am a Broken Man because of the experiences I have gone through. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father died when I was 16, my older brother died of a heroin overdoes, and I am on my second marriage. All of this has contributed, and much more beside.
I am the Broken Man, because I am broke; I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I am the Broken man, because my body aches; I dropped a TV on my head and things haven't been right since.
I am a broken man because, to quote Morrissey, "the things I have seen could turn a good man bad". And I never was much of a good man.
I am a broken man because I suffer from depression. I have up days, and down days. On down days I want to drive my car into a brick wall and it feels like nothing will ever be okay.
I am the Broken Man, because I have spent a long time living in the dark – however – in the darkness I have found a light, a voice in the deafening silence, that calls to me, and a God who works through my brokenness, and holds the pieces together.
How did I find your blog?
When I am bored I start trawling through blogs, and it seems very rude to me to go into someone’s house without at least saying "hello". Hence, I left you a comment. I found you by putting key words into a blog search, or by following a comment you posted somewhere else, or by finding you on a blog roll of someone else, but I have a very bad memory and it is very unlikely I will now remember which route I took to your blog.
When is the baby due?
December. The wife and I are not too convinced about hospital predicted due dates – for first babies the studies we have looked at suggest that 42 weeks is more normal than 40, and when you tell people your due date they start asking lots of questions near the due date, like – "is it here yet?" So I prefer to just say “December”.
What branch of Christianity are you going to be a priest in?
I am training for ordination in the Church of England, which is an Anglican Church. I describe myself as a Christian (when I must), but rarely by denomination, as I tend to think denomination isn’t that important. Having said that, I like the way that theology is “done” in the Anglican church and hence this is where I am.
Why are you anonymous – how anonymous are you?
By being anonymous I feel I can say things I couldn’t if I wasn’t. For example – I can be rude about my church without offending anyone. I realise I am not incredibly anonymous and it would be very easy for someone with a burning desire to find out who I am to identify me, but I would prefer it this blog isn’t the first thing that someone finds if they put my name into Google.
How did you become a Christian?
This is a question I tend to avoid, as in honesty it’s a long and complex story, involving, much like the people of Israel in the Hebrew Bible account, following God for a while, and then falling away, before returning a little later. There is not a clear break where I can give you a date on which I became a Christian, rather there were many times when I made commitments which I then fell away from. The primary place that got me interested though was a youth discussion group which I attended with the express intention of disproving the existence of God. The thing that turned me off Christianity the most was those Christians who said that there were some things you shouldn’t ask questions about and just had to accept. The thing that impressed me the most was Christians who, no matter how much they disapproved of my life style, continued to care about me, and wanted me as their friend.
Where are you studying?
I am currently studying a Masters Degree in Jewish-Christian relations at the Wolfe Institute, Cambridge. My studies for ordination are taking the form of the first year of a degree course at a local theological collage, followed (probably) by a transfer to the Masters Degree in the second year of training. I am training part-time due to the financial constraints on me, but prefer not to name the place I am studying for Ordination with so that I am free to whine about the course if I want to!
Why do you call yourself the Broken Man?
Depending on the day I have a different answer:
I am a Broken Man because of the experiences I have gone through. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father died when I was 16, my older brother died of a heroin overdoes, and I am on my second marriage. All of this has contributed, and much more beside.
I am the Broken Man, because I am broke; I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I am the Broken man, because my body aches; I dropped a TV on my head and things haven't been right since.
I am a broken man because, to quote Morrissey, "the things I have seen could turn a good man bad". And I never was much of a good man.
I am a broken man because I suffer from depression. I have up days, and down days. On down days I want to drive my car into a brick wall and it feels like nothing will ever be okay.
I am the Broken Man, because I have spent a long time living in the dark – however – in the darkness I have found a light, a voice in the deafening silence, that calls to me, and a God who works through my brokenness, and holds the pieces together.
How did I find your blog?
When I am bored I start trawling through blogs, and it seems very rude to me to go into someone’s house without at least saying "hello". Hence, I left you a comment. I found you by putting key words into a blog search, or by following a comment you posted somewhere else, or by finding you on a blog roll of someone else, but I have a very bad memory and it is very unlikely I will now remember which route I took to your blog.
When is the baby due?
December. The wife and I are not too convinced about hospital predicted due dates – for first babies the studies we have looked at suggest that 42 weeks is more normal than 40, and when you tell people your due date they start asking lots of questions near the due date, like – "is it here yet?" So I prefer to just say “December”.
What branch of Christianity are you going to be a priest in?
I am training for ordination in the Church of England, which is an Anglican Church. I describe myself as a Christian (when I must), but rarely by denomination, as I tend to think denomination isn’t that important. Having said that, I like the way that theology is “done” in the Anglican church and hence this is where I am.
Why are you anonymous – how anonymous are you?
By being anonymous I feel I can say things I couldn’t if I wasn’t. For example – I can be rude about my church without offending anyone. I realise I am not incredibly anonymous and it would be very easy for someone with a burning desire to find out who I am to identify me, but I would prefer it this blog isn’t the first thing that someone finds if they put my name into Google.
How did you become a Christian?
This is a question I tend to avoid, as in honesty it’s a long and complex story, involving, much like the people of Israel in the Hebrew Bible account, following God for a while, and then falling away, before returning a little later. There is not a clear break where I can give you a date on which I became a Christian, rather there were many times when I made commitments which I then fell away from. The primary place that got me interested though was a youth discussion group which I attended with the express intention of disproving the existence of God. The thing that turned me off Christianity the most was those Christians who said that there were some things you shouldn’t ask questions about and just had to accept. The thing that impressed me the most was Christians who, no matter how much they disapproved of my life style, continued to care about me, and wanted me as their friend.
Where are you studying?
I am currently studying a Masters Degree in Jewish-Christian relations at the Wolfe Institute, Cambridge. My studies for ordination are taking the form of the first year of a degree course at a local theological collage, followed (probably) by a transfer to the Masters Degree in the second year of training. I am training part-time due to the financial constraints on me, but prefer not to name the place I am studying for Ordination with so that I am free to whine about the course if I want to!
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Pain in the neck
About six months ago I dropped a TV on my head.
I realise that this sounds a little unlikely, so let me explain. I have a very big TV which a friend gave me, and which sits on a stand on wheels. To move this TV backwards, I got onto all fours and pushed the stand. In doing so, the TV toppled and fell on my head, neck and back. This resulted in me letting out, not a loud expletive, but rather, a whimper as I crumpled to the floor. I visited our small local hospital, which said that I needed an x-ray and should go to my doctor. I went to my doctor who said that they don’t like doing x-rays on necks; I should take some pain killers and see how it got on. I was in so much pain that I was off work for a few weeks. I then went back to the doctor who said "yes, it would still hurt. Give it time and it would be fine." That was, as I say, six months ago.
My neck still hurts. Rather a lot, really. A constant pain which results in me taking pain killers most days. Feeling that six months is long enough to wait, I booked up another appointment with the doctor, and was whinging at my long-suffering wife about the incompetence of the original doctors for not having X-rayed me, and that if it was broken and has fused wrongly now there will be nothing we can do about it. My wife replied, “that’s what’s compensation is for – if it was damaged and they didn’t pick up on it you would get compensation and you could get it fixed privately.”
I am not a fan of the compensation culture at all. However, when confronted with the possibility of money, it got me thinking. If I suddenly had a compensation pay out (and, no, I won't get one as I wouldn’t pursue it and am not a fan of such things) would I spend it on an operation or getting myself out of debt so I can be a vicar? For me, its no contest. I would happily live with the pain. Okay, okay, I know that’s not the choice I have in front of me, but in going through that bit of mental/physical arithmetic, the pain in my neck doesn’t seem like such a big deal after all – I have far better things to panic about.
So I arrived at the Doctors last night to be told they still don’t think an x-ray is needed and that what I need to do is to see a physiotherapist. There is, however, a very long waiting list. This is one of the things we have come to accept with the NHS, and we don’t tend to worry about a bit of a wait. The reason that on *this* occasion it is so frustrating, is that my company provides health insurance. The health insurance provides private cover for any treatment you need to wait more than 6 weeks for. "Well, brilliant", I hear you cry..."you just phone up the company insurance and its all sorted"... well, no. You see, while the health insurance is provided as a work benefit, the government looks at this and says, "right, we'd better charge you some tax on this", and so by having the company insurance you pay an extra £50 tax a year. In an attempt to sort out the finance last month, I went through everything we spend with a fine tooth comb, and cancelled my health insurance so that I would save that £50.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Yours, very probably (but with out X-rays we can’t be sure)
The Broken Man
I realise that this sounds a little unlikely, so let me explain. I have a very big TV which a friend gave me, and which sits on a stand on wheels. To move this TV backwards, I got onto all fours and pushed the stand. In doing so, the TV toppled and fell on my head, neck and back. This resulted in me letting out, not a loud expletive, but rather, a whimper as I crumpled to the floor. I visited our small local hospital, which said that I needed an x-ray and should go to my doctor. I went to my doctor who said that they don’t like doing x-rays on necks; I should take some pain killers and see how it got on. I was in so much pain that I was off work for a few weeks. I then went back to the doctor who said "yes, it would still hurt. Give it time and it would be fine." That was, as I say, six months ago.
My neck still hurts. Rather a lot, really. A constant pain which results in me taking pain killers most days. Feeling that six months is long enough to wait, I booked up another appointment with the doctor, and was whinging at my long-suffering wife about the incompetence of the original doctors for not having X-rayed me, and that if it was broken and has fused wrongly now there will be nothing we can do about it. My wife replied, “that’s what’s compensation is for – if it was damaged and they didn’t pick up on it you would get compensation and you could get it fixed privately.”
I am not a fan of the compensation culture at all. However, when confronted with the possibility of money, it got me thinking. If I suddenly had a compensation pay out (and, no, I won't get one as I wouldn’t pursue it and am not a fan of such things) would I spend it on an operation or getting myself out of debt so I can be a vicar? For me, its no contest. I would happily live with the pain. Okay, okay, I know that’s not the choice I have in front of me, but in going through that bit of mental/physical arithmetic, the pain in my neck doesn’t seem like such a big deal after all – I have far better things to panic about.
So I arrived at the Doctors last night to be told they still don’t think an x-ray is needed and that what I need to do is to see a physiotherapist. There is, however, a very long waiting list. This is one of the things we have come to accept with the NHS, and we don’t tend to worry about a bit of a wait. The reason that on *this* occasion it is so frustrating, is that my company provides health insurance. The health insurance provides private cover for any treatment you need to wait more than 6 weeks for. "Well, brilliant", I hear you cry..."you just phone up the company insurance and its all sorted"... well, no. You see, while the health insurance is provided as a work benefit, the government looks at this and says, "right, we'd better charge you some tax on this", and so by having the company insurance you pay an extra £50 tax a year. In an attempt to sort out the finance last month, I went through everything we spend with a fine tooth comb, and cancelled my health insurance so that I would save that £50.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Yours, very probably (but with out X-rays we can’t be sure)
The Broken Man
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Studying?
It seems that some of the people reading this blog are Christians; as I have mentioned I begin studying in September for ordination. As a vicar I will be required to both preach and prepare Bible Studies, and so I thought I would try some out on you, my hapless readers, if that’s okay?
Now being an interactive type I don’t want to post very long rambling Bible Studies that are of no interest to anyone but me; the plan is that we get interactive, that you tell me why what I am saying is wrong, that you take on the role of my guide. Maybe we could have a look at some of the questions together and have some discussion. It’s written that a friend sharpens a friend like iron sharpens iron. That’s the plan. So how do you want to do this? Do you want to do this at all? Its okay – I can take a "no" – I can handle it – I can – I won't cry – honest.
Studies I have recently tried writing are: Jonah, The Samaritan and the Theologian (aka the Good Samaritan), a character study of Joseph (father of Jesus), and The Circumcision of Jesus. Maybe we could take one of those, I could post part of it once a week, and we could go through it together. I'd love some new thoughts on them. If you have any friends who might have an opinion too, please invite them to pull up a chair - the more, the merrier.
So then folks – which one do you fancy? Do you like the idea at all? If you hate the idea of me posting this stuff do let me know. (I am more than happy to stick with just rambling on about my life). If you would be prepared to have a look at some studies with me, then please let me know that too.
The Broken Man
Now being an interactive type I don’t want to post very long rambling Bible Studies that are of no interest to anyone but me; the plan is that we get interactive, that you tell me why what I am saying is wrong, that you take on the role of my guide. Maybe we could have a look at some of the questions together and have some discussion. It’s written that a friend sharpens a friend like iron sharpens iron. That’s the plan. So how do you want to do this? Do you want to do this at all? Its okay – I can take a "no" – I can handle it – I can – I won't cry – honest.
Studies I have recently tried writing are: Jonah, The Samaritan and the Theologian (aka the Good Samaritan), a character study of Joseph (father of Jesus), and The Circumcision of Jesus. Maybe we could take one of those, I could post part of it once a week, and we could go through it together. I'd love some new thoughts on them. If you have any friends who might have an opinion too, please invite them to pull up a chair - the more, the merrier.
So then folks – which one do you fancy? Do you like the idea at all? If you hate the idea of me posting this stuff do let me know. (I am more than happy to stick with just rambling on about my life). If you would be prepared to have a look at some studies with me, then please let me know that too.
The Broken Man
Dress To Impress
Let me first of all say how grateful I am for all the comments I have had. I won’t bore you with all the comments about feeling less alone in the world, but please do take it as read.
This evening was spent sorting through my wife’s wardrobe with her and putting away the clothes that won’t be needed till after the baby is born. This clear-out is partly increased in urgency by trying to get our flat ready to sell. I know, I know, this is the worse time in the world to sell, and I am in negative equity, but I am sure I will explain all that another time. Back to my wife’s wardrobe; It is now empty. Every part of “man” in me wants to say, "It’s not a problem! Lets hit the shops, don’t worry about a thing”. Yet there is not money in the bank. In fact…. well, there are a lot of negative figures. So instead it will be a case of “lets hit the charity shops”. Now I know it’s just a pride thing, that it doesn’t matter, that it’s just clothes, but I worry about what future I will be providing for my wife and baby.
Each night as we curl up to sleep I wrap my arm around my wife’s ever expanding stomach and say “Night baby”. I know it’s ridiculous, I know my baby cannot hear yet, but every part of me wishes the best for my wife and baby. I spent so much of my life wishing I wasn’t alive, and a fair bit of it trying to make a speedy exit and yet now there is a light, and sometimes it still feels like such hard work to struggle on, to get through to the next day.
That sounds very down, very low, and I don’t mean it to be. I am blessed, more than I could ever hope for; a baby when I thought it would never happen, a wonderful wife, being told I can train as a priest! Now that is a miracle! There is no way I would accept me for training, and I only finally put myself forward as I felt that they would say “no” and that would be that. I have felt I should be doing it for a long, long time, but I never expected anyone else to agree. Yet with the flat in negative equity and me needing to be debt free to be a vicar I can’t see how it will ever be possible. I know I need to trust, really I do, but sometimes it just seems so hard. Sorry, down again! Well, I warned you – this is the blog of a broken man.
This evening was spent sorting through my wife’s wardrobe with her and putting away the clothes that won’t be needed till after the baby is born. This clear-out is partly increased in urgency by trying to get our flat ready to sell. I know, I know, this is the worse time in the world to sell, and I am in negative equity, but I am sure I will explain all that another time. Back to my wife’s wardrobe; It is now empty. Every part of “man” in me wants to say, "It’s not a problem! Lets hit the shops, don’t worry about a thing”. Yet there is not money in the bank. In fact…. well, there are a lot of negative figures. So instead it will be a case of “lets hit the charity shops”. Now I know it’s just a pride thing, that it doesn’t matter, that it’s just clothes, but I worry about what future I will be providing for my wife and baby.
Each night as we curl up to sleep I wrap my arm around my wife’s ever expanding stomach and say “Night baby”. I know it’s ridiculous, I know my baby cannot hear yet, but every part of me wishes the best for my wife and baby. I spent so much of my life wishing I wasn’t alive, and a fair bit of it trying to make a speedy exit and yet now there is a light, and sometimes it still feels like such hard work to struggle on, to get through to the next day.
That sounds very down, very low, and I don’t mean it to be. I am blessed, more than I could ever hope for; a baby when I thought it would never happen, a wonderful wife, being told I can train as a priest! Now that is a miracle! There is no way I would accept me for training, and I only finally put myself forward as I felt that they would say “no” and that would be that. I have felt I should be doing it for a long, long time, but I never expected anyone else to agree. Yet with the flat in negative equity and me needing to be debt free to be a vicar I can’t see how it will ever be possible. I know I need to trust, really I do, but sometimes it just seems so hard. Sorry, down again! Well, I warned you – this is the blog of a broken man.
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
The Blog of a Broken Man
So why a broken man? It seems a fair starting question. My life history is a messy business and seems a bit unfriendly to begin my tale with woe; if you find this page of interest, then I am sure we will get to know each other as time goes on, but at least a little explanation seems only right.
My life has contained much in the way of disaster. I can not claim more than others, however; the experinces I have had now seem common place. The loss of a brother to heroin, the loss of a wife to another man, money…ahh, now there is an issue..but I am sure we will come onto that in time.
I have lived through some dark times, as Morrissey once sang, "the things I have seen could make a good man turn bad". My story is not one of someone turned black by the world, however. As this page is black and my writing shines out bright and white, so it is with my life. It is written that those living in darkness have seen a great light, and that is my story. While I am broken, a cracked pot as the expression goes, shines light through those cracks.
As by now I am sure you will have guessed, I am a Christian. It’s a phrase that doesn’t easily roll of my tongue, in honesty; in England Christians have a bit of a bad name, they are associated with hypocrisy, and mediocrity. Faith is something that goes on behind closed doors, and what goes on in churches often seems unrelated to a belief in the Divine. My belief is in a God who is whiter than white, whot blasts away the most impressive advert for a new cleaning powder, I believe in a God who shines and expels darkness, who takes our brokenness, who takes all that has ever gone wrong, all that we have ever done and thought, and transforms it into something beautiful. Strength comes not from this broken husk, but from the God who breathes life into dry bones.
So this blog, this journal, if you care to follow it, will be the story of a broken man, hopefully, bit by bit, made more whole. When writing something like this one wonders who will read it, who will care about the ramblings of a stranger on the other side of the globe, so if you chance upon this page do introduce yourself, let me know that you popped by.
You have a right to wonder what you will find if you where to draw up a seat next to the fire on a regular basis, if you make this a point of departure in your busy day. Who’s life will be laid before you? Well, I am a 32 year old man, married to a wonderful women who is now 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have been accepted for training for ordination as a priest, but whether or not I can become a priest depends on whether I am able to clear debts accrued through negative equity. I will keep you posted as to how that goes, and will, undoubtedly, write about life as a father-to-be and my training. It’s a pleasure to meet you..I hope you enjoy your stay.
I think that is more than enough of an introduction, time to get down to the business at hand.
ENTRY ONE
Today my wife is 16 weeks and one day pregnant with our first child. It took five years for her to become pregnant, and we had given up hope. We had looked into infertility treatment, into the options available and felt unable to go down that road. The creation of embryos outside the womb, and the “disposal” of those not required seemed a step too far. A step into a world where we would prefer to leave God firmly in charge. So we prayed the prayers of the Bible and cried out as so many have before for a child. When my wife fell pregnant someone asked her, “Was it a miracle?”
It’s a good question. To answer "yes" seems to suggest that those who recieve no apparent answer, or a "no", have somehow been neglected by God but to say "no", seems to deny God’s hand in it. When I sit and think about it, I am certain that every birth, every pregnancy, every breath we take is a miracle, a gift which should be cherished, which we should take with gratitude. Is my wife’s pregnancy more of a miracle than me being able to open my eyes this morning? The only difference seems to be that I don’t often pray that I will wake up in the morning. We are surrounded by miracles, we just fail to see them for what they are. So yes, my wife being pregnant is a mircle, and one that I will thank God for every day of my life.
I can not begin to express how happy I am that she is pregnent, that we will be parents, that I will be a father. I wonder what kind of a father I will be, and confess I am worried, worried about all the mistakes I am sure I will make. Even now we discuss in every detail how we would like to bring up our child, even now I feel a twinge of panic about my inability. Hence, again, I come back to the statement that I am a broken man, made of clay. I try to remind myself it's not through what I can do, through my abilities, my skills – my roguish good looks (well, ok, I don’t have roguish good looks!) that God will work, it's through the cracks, the acknowledgments of my incapability that God can work. Its only when I say, "okay God, this is in your hands" instead of trying to do it all myself that God really gets a chance to work.
One of the things I love about God is that He is a gentlemen, this is not to imply that God is exclusively male, but rather that God has manners. God gets involved in the areas of our life we open him up to, not in the areas we lock away. The areas we lock away or try to, that’s where we have the trouble..
My lunch break is reaching an end, so I will end it there. Its been a pleasure, see you tomorrow?
A Broken Man
My life has contained much in the way of disaster. I can not claim more than others, however; the experinces I have had now seem common place. The loss of a brother to heroin, the loss of a wife to another man, money…ahh, now there is an issue..but I am sure we will come onto that in time.
I have lived through some dark times, as Morrissey once sang, "the things I have seen could make a good man turn bad". My story is not one of someone turned black by the world, however. As this page is black and my writing shines out bright and white, so it is with my life. It is written that those living in darkness have seen a great light, and that is my story. While I am broken, a cracked pot as the expression goes, shines light through those cracks.
As by now I am sure you will have guessed, I am a Christian. It’s a phrase that doesn’t easily roll of my tongue, in honesty; in England Christians have a bit of a bad name, they are associated with hypocrisy, and mediocrity. Faith is something that goes on behind closed doors, and what goes on in churches often seems unrelated to a belief in the Divine. My belief is in a God who is whiter than white, whot blasts away the most impressive advert for a new cleaning powder, I believe in a God who shines and expels darkness, who takes our brokenness, who takes all that has ever gone wrong, all that we have ever done and thought, and transforms it into something beautiful. Strength comes not from this broken husk, but from the God who breathes life into dry bones.
So this blog, this journal, if you care to follow it, will be the story of a broken man, hopefully, bit by bit, made more whole. When writing something like this one wonders who will read it, who will care about the ramblings of a stranger on the other side of the globe, so if you chance upon this page do introduce yourself, let me know that you popped by.
You have a right to wonder what you will find if you where to draw up a seat next to the fire on a regular basis, if you make this a point of departure in your busy day. Who’s life will be laid before you? Well, I am a 32 year old man, married to a wonderful women who is now 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have been accepted for training for ordination as a priest, but whether or not I can become a priest depends on whether I am able to clear debts accrued through negative equity. I will keep you posted as to how that goes, and will, undoubtedly, write about life as a father-to-be and my training. It’s a pleasure to meet you..I hope you enjoy your stay.
I think that is more than enough of an introduction, time to get down to the business at hand.
ENTRY ONE
Today my wife is 16 weeks and one day pregnant with our first child. It took five years for her to become pregnant, and we had given up hope. We had looked into infertility treatment, into the options available and felt unable to go down that road. The creation of embryos outside the womb, and the “disposal” of those not required seemed a step too far. A step into a world where we would prefer to leave God firmly in charge. So we prayed the prayers of the Bible and cried out as so many have before for a child. When my wife fell pregnant someone asked her, “Was it a miracle?”
It’s a good question. To answer "yes" seems to suggest that those who recieve no apparent answer, or a "no", have somehow been neglected by God but to say "no", seems to deny God’s hand in it. When I sit and think about it, I am certain that every birth, every pregnancy, every breath we take is a miracle, a gift which should be cherished, which we should take with gratitude. Is my wife’s pregnancy more of a miracle than me being able to open my eyes this morning? The only difference seems to be that I don’t often pray that I will wake up in the morning. We are surrounded by miracles, we just fail to see them for what they are. So yes, my wife being pregnant is a mircle, and one that I will thank God for every day of my life.
I can not begin to express how happy I am that she is pregnent, that we will be parents, that I will be a father. I wonder what kind of a father I will be, and confess I am worried, worried about all the mistakes I am sure I will make. Even now we discuss in every detail how we would like to bring up our child, even now I feel a twinge of panic about my inability. Hence, again, I come back to the statement that I am a broken man, made of clay. I try to remind myself it's not through what I can do, through my abilities, my skills – my roguish good looks (well, ok, I don’t have roguish good looks!) that God will work, it's through the cracks, the acknowledgments of my incapability that God can work. Its only when I say, "okay God, this is in your hands" instead of trying to do it all myself that God really gets a chance to work.
One of the things I love about God is that He is a gentlemen, this is not to imply that God is exclusively male, but rather that God has manners. God gets involved in the areas of our life we open him up to, not in the areas we lock away. The areas we lock away or try to, that’s where we have the trouble..
My lunch break is reaching an end, so I will end it there. Its been a pleasure, see you tomorrow?
A Broken Man
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