Just googled "broken man", and the urban dictionary definition is as follows:
broken man - 1 definition - (n.) someone who has fallen from grace. Living in poverty with a soiled reputation.
Many thanks for all your comment - I will respond soon. For now, I am hiding....
The Broken Man
Showing posts with label Broken Man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Broken Man. Show all posts
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Bankrupt
As of 10.30am, I am officially bankrupt. It's been coming for a long time really, and it means things are at least getting sorted. Huge layoffs are happening at work, and I may also be made redundant. The job market in the UK, as in the rest of the world currently, is problematic, but there is food on the table and baby Grace is smiling. My studies are slipping, motivation dwindling, but I'm still here, even if somewhat irregularly,
Yours, as broken as ever,
The Broken Man
Yours, as broken as ever,
The Broken Man
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Broken
I am as ever broken. The forms for the bankruptcy still haven’t been filled and the letters keep coming and the phone calls don’t stop demanding money yesterday. Work is manic right now and I seem to be on a downward spiral. The studies are not going well. I get home from work at 7pm and try to collect myself, the flat is chaos and I don’t seem to have time to sort it out.
Grace is at the age, the grand age of 10 weeks, where what she needs is her mother. When I am left holding her even for a few mins she quickly dissolves into tears, and I wonder what it is that I can offer her. She is to young too know who I am, and even if she did I don’t know it would help. I crawl into bed late and get up early, and the sleep deperavation takes its tole. I need a shower, cant remember when I last had one, know I need to bath grace, and yet the time escapes.
Not coping
As ever,
The Broken Man
Grace is at the age, the grand age of 10 weeks, where what she needs is her mother. When I am left holding her even for a few mins she quickly dissolves into tears, and I wonder what it is that I can offer her. She is to young too know who I am, and even if she did I don’t know it would help. I crawl into bed late and get up early, and the sleep deperavation takes its tole. I need a shower, cant remember when I last had one, know I need to bath grace, and yet the time escapes.
Not coping
As ever,
The Broken Man
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
A watched pot, upset parents, and tears
Living in shared accommodation has its advantages – and its disadvantages. My mother had an old kettle that seemed to me to take a week to boil. Speaking to a friend who said that he had saved a “small fortune” by heating his water on the gas stove my mother went out and brought a new £40 kettle to be placed on the stove, and chucked away the old and admittedly battered electric kettle. While the electric kettle was slow to come to the boil, the gas kettle is painfully slow. Because it doesn’t turn itself of, you have to sit in the kitchen with it. Watching it. Waiting for it.
I am a creature of habit. In the morning I go into the kitchen, put the kettle on, put my porridge in the microwave, go to the loo, come back, take my porrage from the microwave pour my cup of tea. Not now. Now I sit and wait. I know its not long. Really I do. It is probably only two or three minutes longer. Yet it feels like 10-15mins. The watched kettle takes an age, the minutes dragging by painfully. Infuriated by the delay I make a search of the internet only to discover that a gas kettle does not save any money at all. It may even be more expensive. The damage is already done however, the new kettle has been brought and we must live with it. Or not have a cup of tea.
In other news the long suffering wife continues to do battle with other mums. Someone on her “list” sent out a recommendation of a book talking about how good routines are for children. Of course the long suffering wife had just been reading an article providing showing that routines create more tears, less sleep, and more stress all around. She duly circulated the article to the list – a move designed to generate feelings of hatred among the rest of the group only slightly less than her correct statement that cot death risks don’t decrees after six weeks but increase so it really isn’t the time to put your baby in a nursery.
Today I want to cry. I can find a reason. I want to stop the world and get off. Maybe it’s the kowladge of all the things I have still to collect from the old flat. Or the bankruptcy forms I haven’t finised filling out, or the pressure of work, or..Maybe its an accumulation of things, but whatever is causing it I want to hide under the duvet and vanish for a while. I am at work, its my lunch break – yet I wish I was at home, in a golden happy moment with my daughter smiling happily. I know I will not get home till seven or so by which time Grace will be struggling with colic (advice on remerdies not required). I know I will not eat till eight. I know I still have studying to do. I know when I do get home I will have to sit and wait for the kettle to boil.
I have read all your replies as ever – updates received on my phone which is far to difficult to reply on. I am listening even when I don’t answer. I am reading if sporadically your blogs even when I don’t post to your boards. Blah
Yours as broken as ever
The Broken Man
I am a creature of habit. In the morning I go into the kitchen, put the kettle on, put my porridge in the microwave, go to the loo, come back, take my porrage from the microwave pour my cup of tea. Not now. Now I sit and wait. I know its not long. Really I do. It is probably only two or three minutes longer. Yet it feels like 10-15mins. The watched kettle takes an age, the minutes dragging by painfully. Infuriated by the delay I make a search of the internet only to discover that a gas kettle does not save any money at all. It may even be more expensive. The damage is already done however, the new kettle has been brought and we must live with it. Or not have a cup of tea.
In other news the long suffering wife continues to do battle with other mums. Someone on her “list” sent out a recommendation of a book talking about how good routines are for children. Of course the long suffering wife had just been reading an article providing showing that routines create more tears, less sleep, and more stress all around. She duly circulated the article to the list – a move designed to generate feelings of hatred among the rest of the group only slightly less than her correct statement that cot death risks don’t decrees after six weeks but increase so it really isn’t the time to put your baby in a nursery.
Today I want to cry. I can find a reason. I want to stop the world and get off. Maybe it’s the kowladge of all the things I have still to collect from the old flat. Or the bankruptcy forms I haven’t finised filling out, or the pressure of work, or..Maybe its an accumulation of things, but whatever is causing it I want to hide under the duvet and vanish for a while. I am at work, its my lunch break – yet I wish I was at home, in a golden happy moment with my daughter smiling happily. I know I will not get home till seven or so by which time Grace will be struggling with colic (advice on remerdies not required). I know I will not eat till eight. I know I still have studying to do. I know when I do get home I will have to sit and wait for the kettle to boil.
I have read all your replies as ever – updates received on my phone which is far to difficult to reply on. I am listening even when I don’t answer. I am reading if sporadically your blogs even when I don’t post to your boards. Blah
Yours as broken as ever
The Broken Man
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
A Broken Blog
HI, this is Broken Man's Wife. Sorry for the long absence - I usually update the blog with Broken Man's scribblings, but for some reason I haven't been able to access it for a while, and Broken Man has only just had the time to fix it so that I can.
So, this is his last blog entry - it is from a few days ago, but hopefully normal service will now be resumed!
A Broken Blog
Today my neck hurts, a lot.
Today work has been hard..
Today I am trying to answer Epicurus paradox without success.
Excuse my silence, when things look black I retreat,
I could pretend it’s to regroup – its not.
I just can't face the world right now
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
So, this is his last blog entry - it is from a few days ago, but hopefully normal service will now be resumed!
A Broken Blog
Today my neck hurts, a lot.
Today work has been hard..
Today I am trying to answer Epicurus paradox without success.
Excuse my silence, when things look black I retreat,
I could pretend it’s to regroup – its not.
I just can't face the world right now
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Some Days
Some days the world seems so dark. Work seems so hard, and even getting
out of bed feels almost impossible. Sitting at my desk surrounded by
sheets of paper and things to do, the work backlog building up, and
essays sat undone I just want to cry. Its my birthday soon. 33 years
old. Soon to be bankrupt. Today everything seems to much. Some days its
like that.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
out of bed feels almost impossible. Sitting at my desk surrounded by
sheets of paper and things to do, the work backlog building up, and
essays sat undone I just want to cry. Its my birthday soon. 33 years
old. Soon to be bankrupt. Today everything seems to much. Some days its
like that.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Thursday, 16 October 2008
To Smack
Eagle's Wings kindly provided me a link in response to my “Being a Dad” post. Arwen then responded to the content of the site the link was to, and as I don’t have anything else sensible to blog about today I thought I would take up the issue in a post!
For me personally, the theories of parenting that seem to make the most sense are those dealing with “attachment parenting.” How this works out in practice for me...well, we will have to wait and see but I will keep you informed!!
I think the link to the particular site that Eagle's Wings sent me is clearly trying very hard to find the right path in parenting, and address the question, "how can we parent in a godly manner?" I believe however, that the answers it comes up with are wrong. For example, here is an extract from the site:
Eileen wrote in concerned about a problem she felt that she was having with her childs behaviour in church:
"I am unable to find any specific advice on how to get a young child (ours is 18 months) to sit still in church. We would so like to have him in the service with us instead of the nursery, but that is completely unrealistic right now. You wouldn't advocate spanking him right in the middle of church, would you? He is otherwise a fairly well-behaved, happy little boy who has responded well to your training techniques."
The response to this given by the web site is :
“Please don't do that! Don't disrupt the entire church to spank your child. When you train at home you will not have to train in public. Go home and train. Set up a training session each day, duplicating as closely as possible the church service. Sit in uncomfortable chairs and play some hymns on the stereo. Then play teaching or preaching tapes while the family sits quietly and listens. Or you can sit beside him and read the Bible in a monotone voice. Better yet, if you don’t have the electronic media and you are able to induce your spouse to assist you, let your husband pretend he is the preacher and carry on for a little while, saying nothing interesting. Keep your switch handy, but not visible during this session. Speak in a whisper or use sign language as you would in church. If the child offends at a level that would be inappropriate in church, then swat him while making your sign language or while whispering your correction. "
I am involved in the leadership of church service, and find this description of church deeply disturbing. I am more than happy to have children being children in church! And I at least attempt to make sure that it provides them with some stimulation and sense of the presence of God. I could rant on that for hours alone, but I want to address the issue I consider far more important and disturbing: the idea of using a switch on an 18 mnth old child.
The issue of smacking has raged strongly in the UK as it has in many other parts of the world. The recommendations (to punish a child with a "rod" or "whip") of the website in question would be considered illegal in England, and in my opinion rightly so.
For this reason (and only this reason) I have taken the unusual step of removing the comments of both Eagle's Wings and Arwen, as they contain links to this website, and I am not comfortable providing links to a webpage which advocates something which is illegal in this county.
My attitude to smacking children is very much based on the kind of person I would like my child to become. My hope is that my child will be able to,with time, have a reasoned conversation about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Until that time I hope that the tone of my voice, and the way I respond to my child will show what is and isn’t okay. My hope is that as they grow older they will not feel the need to use physical force to convince someone of their belief, or to “get their own way” and that they will, as much as possible,be able to avoid situations in which others use physical force to coheres them.
I realise that we live in a society where this is not always possible, and on rare occasions I have had to use physical force to restrain someone. I worked for a while as a bouncer, and for a while in a hostel and over a period of two years I found a few occasions where force was required to prevent someone hurting themselves or someone else. I did not however, even in these situations find it necessary to hit them, instead I used the minimum force required to safely restrain them and then only at times where drink or drugs had made them incapable of reason, or I felt it was best to remove an iron bar from someones hand before talking through the issues surrounding attempting to beat someone to death with it.
I find it hard then to visualise a situation where a baby or child would be able to behave in a manner which would require me to strike them. If I can handle a 18 stone drunk man who is swearing and aggressive without slapping him, why should I need to slap a child? Both are fairly incapable of reason, yet in both cases, a potentially dangerous situations can be made safe, (by removing an iron bar from a drunk man, or lifting a baby away from a plug socket). In most cases I have found the tone of my voice and my physical presence are sufficient to convey that I am taking control of the situation, and that it will be alright.
In my youth work I have come across a lot of very broken people. Never have I felt the need to break a “hard case”. Instead I have tried to show people that they are cared for and valued, that their lives have meaning, and there is hope for them, and so, again, I can't subscribe to a style of parenting that suggests you have to “break a child” and let them know you are in charge. They can, I believe,know that you are indeed the parent, without you having to instil fear. As a broken man, I have no desire to break my child. Instead I hope, I pray, I will be able to be a parent who can help guide a child into becoming the person they are capable of being, whole, fulfilled, and loved.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
For me personally, the theories of parenting that seem to make the most sense are those dealing with “attachment parenting.” How this works out in practice for me...well, we will have to wait and see but I will keep you informed!!
I think the link to the particular site that Eagle's Wings sent me is clearly trying very hard to find the right path in parenting, and address the question, "how can we parent in a godly manner?" I believe however, that the answers it comes up with are wrong. For example, here is an extract from the site:
Eileen wrote in concerned about a problem she felt that she was having with her childs behaviour in church:
"I am unable to find any specific advice on how to get a young child (ours is 18 months) to sit still in church. We would so like to have him in the service with us instead of the nursery, but that is completely unrealistic right now. You wouldn't advocate spanking him right in the middle of church, would you? He is otherwise a fairly well-behaved, happy little boy who has responded well to your training techniques."
The response to this given by the web site is :
“Please don't do that! Don't disrupt the entire church to spank your child. When you train at home you will not have to train in public. Go home and train. Set up a training session each day, duplicating as closely as possible the church service. Sit in uncomfortable chairs and play some hymns on the stereo. Then play teaching or preaching tapes while the family sits quietly and listens. Or you can sit beside him and read the Bible in a monotone voice. Better yet, if you don’t have the electronic media and you are able to induce your spouse to assist you, let your husband pretend he is the preacher and carry on for a little while, saying nothing interesting. Keep your switch handy, but not visible during this session. Speak in a whisper or use sign language as you would in church. If the child offends at a level that would be inappropriate in church, then swat him while making your sign language or while whispering your correction. "
I am involved in the leadership of church service, and find this description of church deeply disturbing. I am more than happy to have children being children in church! And I at least attempt to make sure that it provides them with some stimulation and sense of the presence of God. I could rant on that for hours alone, but I want to address the issue I consider far more important and disturbing: the idea of using a switch on an 18 mnth old child.
The issue of smacking has raged strongly in the UK as it has in many other parts of the world. The recommendations (to punish a child with a "rod" or "whip") of the website in question would be considered illegal in England, and in my opinion rightly so.
For this reason (and only this reason) I have taken the unusual step of removing the comments of both Eagle's Wings and Arwen, as they contain links to this website, and I am not comfortable providing links to a webpage which advocates something which is illegal in this county.
My attitude to smacking children is very much based on the kind of person I would like my child to become. My hope is that my child will be able to,with time, have a reasoned conversation about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Until that time I hope that the tone of my voice, and the way I respond to my child will show what is and isn’t okay. My hope is that as they grow older they will not feel the need to use physical force to convince someone of their belief, or to “get their own way” and that they will, as much as possible,be able to avoid situations in which others use physical force to coheres them.
I realise that we live in a society where this is not always possible, and on rare occasions I have had to use physical force to restrain someone. I worked for a while as a bouncer, and for a while in a hostel and over a period of two years I found a few occasions where force was required to prevent someone hurting themselves or someone else. I did not however, even in these situations find it necessary to hit them, instead I used the minimum force required to safely restrain them and then only at times where drink or drugs had made them incapable of reason, or I felt it was best to remove an iron bar from someones hand before talking through the issues surrounding attempting to beat someone to death with it.
I find it hard then to visualise a situation where a baby or child would be able to behave in a manner which would require me to strike them. If I can handle a 18 stone drunk man who is swearing and aggressive without slapping him, why should I need to slap a child? Both are fairly incapable of reason, yet in both cases, a potentially dangerous situations can be made safe, (by removing an iron bar from a drunk man, or lifting a baby away from a plug socket). In most cases I have found the tone of my voice and my physical presence are sufficient to convey that I am taking control of the situation, and that it will be alright.
In my youth work I have come across a lot of very broken people. Never have I felt the need to break a “hard case”. Instead I have tried to show people that they are cared for and valued, that their lives have meaning, and there is hope for them, and so, again, I can't subscribe to a style of parenting that suggests you have to “break a child” and let them know you are in charge. They can, I believe,know that you are indeed the parent, without you having to instil fear. As a broken man, I have no desire to break my child. Instead I hope, I pray, I will be able to be a parent who can help guide a child into becoming the person they are capable of being, whole, fulfilled, and loved.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Being A Dad
In the next 2-3 months I am going to be a dad. It seems like a normal sentence, one which could have been written by any of several billion people over human history. Yet as every expectant father knows, there is nothing in all that shared experience and knowledge that helps you feel even a little bit more capable or prepared for the task.
I have often “joked” here that we won't be doing the whole crying thing – I will have a chat. I will explain acceptable behaviour. Tantrums? No. That will not happen. This will be a civilised parenting experience. My world is a rational one. It has a methodology. It takes me from one point to another.
The emotional side of things I have never been great with in honesty. After saying “there, there” I am, in honesty, done. There is a set quantity (small) of responding to emotions that I consider to be unavoidable. I don’t want to sound cold...really…but people crying…it's all a bit dull in honesty…and loud crying..well that’s just bad manners.
So I picture myself at 3 am with a crying baby not knowing how to settle it..and I feel very, very lost and, well.... really rather broken.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am very excited by it all too, really I am. Just also terrified.
With every bit of breath in my body, with all that I am, I ask that God might guide me and transform me into a person who won't completely screw up my childs life.
Yours in fear,
The Broken Man
I have often “joked” here that we won't be doing the whole crying thing – I will have a chat. I will explain acceptable behaviour. Tantrums? No. That will not happen. This will be a civilised parenting experience. My world is a rational one. It has a methodology. It takes me from one point to another.
The emotional side of things I have never been great with in honesty. After saying “there, there” I am, in honesty, done. There is a set quantity (small) of responding to emotions that I consider to be unavoidable. I don’t want to sound cold...really…but people crying…it's all a bit dull in honesty…and loud crying..well that’s just bad manners.
So I picture myself at 3 am with a crying baby not knowing how to settle it..and I feel very, very lost and, well.... really rather broken.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am very excited by it all too, really I am. Just also terrified.
With every bit of breath in my body, with all that I am, I ask that God might guide me and transform me into a person who won't completely screw up my childs life.
Yours in fear,
The Broken Man
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Lost....
Boken Man has asked me to blog today, as he has gone into "hermit mode" and is struggling a little. Unfortunatly, I've had a pretty distasterous morning with broken down cars etc, and really won't have time....
He has written a little about yesterday, and it is below. I would just like to say though, that despite his slightly gloomy post, he did measure in the top 2% in Verbal Reasoning, and the tests yesterday were primarily trying to find out the problems he had, rather than his level of intellegence. His scores place him in the "gifted" catagory. Doesn't stop him feeling low about it, but I wanted someone to blow his trumpet, because he won't.....
(sorry, haven't corrected any spellings either!)
Broken Man's Wife
So yesterday..
I have asked the long suffering wife to blog for me today, she was nagging me last night about blogging and I couldn’t face it. Not that I don’t love you all (Not that I do….I don’t know you..hmm…will come back to that thought tomorrow….) Sometimes its easy to write about things, words fall of my fingers onto the pc without effort, other times thinking about a particually subject makes my ears bleed. The tests yesterday where okay. Really they where. They did however show what I have known all along – I am not as clever as I would like to be. I stand in the shadow of the greats knowing I will never attain greatness, that my mind just isn’t up to the job. I know we can achive beyond our skill levels etc, but well..sinking right now. I do okay in essays because I work very hard and spend money I havent got on books that no one else wants to read. Actual ability though? Raw thinking power? The kind of mind need to actually work things out – to move a discussion forward? No. I have a mind just good enough to know the questions but not good enough to get to the answers. I am ranting now. I will stop. I will as with all my blogs – almost (you know the ones I don’t do it with they are the terribly spelt ones) send this to my long suffering wife, she will add her comments, I am trying to encourage her to do a blog – and if not – at least appear regually here.
Yours as ever,
Lacking in all originality,
The Broken Man
He has written a little about yesterday, and it is below. I would just like to say though, that despite his slightly gloomy post, he did measure in the top 2% in Verbal Reasoning, and the tests yesterday were primarily trying to find out the problems he had, rather than his level of intellegence. His scores place him in the "gifted" catagory. Doesn't stop him feeling low about it, but I wanted someone to blow his trumpet, because he won't.....
(sorry, haven't corrected any spellings either!)
Broken Man's Wife
So yesterday..
I have asked the long suffering wife to blog for me today, she was nagging me last night about blogging and I couldn’t face it. Not that I don’t love you all (Not that I do….I don’t know you..hmm…will come back to that thought tomorrow….) Sometimes its easy to write about things, words fall of my fingers onto the pc without effort, other times thinking about a particually subject makes my ears bleed. The tests yesterday where okay. Really they where. They did however show what I have known all along – I am not as clever as I would like to be. I stand in the shadow of the greats knowing I will never attain greatness, that my mind just isn’t up to the job. I know we can achive beyond our skill levels etc, but well..sinking right now. I do okay in essays because I work very hard and spend money I havent got on books that no one else wants to read. Actual ability though? Raw thinking power? The kind of mind need to actually work things out – to move a discussion forward? No. I have a mind just good enough to know the questions but not good enough to get to the answers. I am ranting now. I will stop. I will as with all my blogs – almost (you know the ones I don’t do it with they are the terribly spelt ones) send this to my long suffering wife, she will add her comments, I am trying to encourage her to do a blog – and if not – at least appear regually here.
Yours as ever,
Lacking in all originality,
The Broken Man
Monday, 6 October 2008
So, What's Wrong With Him?
I don’t feel too bad posting twice in a day (although I tend to avoid it) as I have been bad at posting lately.
I am going for an assessment for Dyslexia/Dyspraxia tomorrow. And I am scared. I have always considered myself clever. Okay, I know that makes me arrogant, but I have generally considered myself as having a brain the size of a planet. Don’t worry – I don’t like me either – I think it’s a terrible way to see myself.
The point is that I have had a counter balance. Dyspraxia. I have argued that while I might be clever, I also have some issues outside my control. I have ways of coping with them, for sure, but my lack of achievement is because I have "issues". I talk too loud, not because I am rude, but because I have problems modulating my voice. I walk away when bored, not because I am insensitive, but because sometimes things are so dull they actually hurt my head.
So I am being tested. Poked. Prodded. They will tell me if they can find a label to fit. They will put my IQ on a graph. At the end of it all they will make their assessment. I am not sure which worries me most. Being told that I haven't got a problem or that I have. My wife has done a long list of all the things that are wrong with me. It’s a rare opportunity for any long suffering wife. I look at it and think – but I am just me. Yes, I break a few glasses, and sure, I can't remember names...and well, okay, I get lost in the bathroom but...
Wanting to curl up into a ball
Yours as ever
The very broken man
I am going for an assessment for Dyslexia/Dyspraxia tomorrow. And I am scared. I have always considered myself clever. Okay, I know that makes me arrogant, but I have generally considered myself as having a brain the size of a planet. Don’t worry – I don’t like me either – I think it’s a terrible way to see myself.
The point is that I have had a counter balance. Dyspraxia. I have argued that while I might be clever, I also have some issues outside my control. I have ways of coping with them, for sure, but my lack of achievement is because I have "issues". I talk too loud, not because I am rude, but because I have problems modulating my voice. I walk away when bored, not because I am insensitive, but because sometimes things are so dull they actually hurt my head.
So I am being tested. Poked. Prodded. They will tell me if they can find a label to fit. They will put my IQ on a graph. At the end of it all they will make their assessment. I am not sure which worries me most. Being told that I haven't got a problem or that I have. My wife has done a long list of all the things that are wrong with me. It’s a rare opportunity for any long suffering wife. I look at it and think – but I am just me. Yes, I break a few glasses, and sure, I can't remember names...and well, okay, I get lost in the bathroom but...
Wanting to curl up into a ball
Yours as ever
The very broken man
Saturday, 27 September 2008
Living On My Own...
I always thought of myself as a fairly solitary person - not really made for communal living. My family life was pretty isolated; we lived in the same house, but mostly tried to keep out of each others' way, and I loathed University, where I first had to live in Halls of Residence, and than in a large, noisy shared house.
I don't sleep well, you see. I have very sensitive hearing (seriously, I can hear the guy in the flat downstairs when he snores), and the merest chink of light wakes me up.
I did have some trepidation when I got married - not about the man I was marrying, but about the general logistics of living in such close proximity to someone else. I worried that the little things would drive me slowly insane, and I would end up hating the person I had once loved so much.
Broken Man's snoring *does* drive me insane, and often drives me to the (comparative) silence of the living room (once I have switched off the buzz of all the electrical equipment) but the fact that every night, he takes a spray to minimise the snoring, just so that I can sleep better, more than makes up for it.
It makes me so cross that he *still* smokes, even though our baby is due in less than three months, but I remember that in trying to quit, he has taken up knitting (briefly), used patches which gave him awful execema, and currently uses a slightly odd looking inhaler. How can I stay cross when he is trying so hard?
So, I'm getting used to not being a solitary person any more. This weekend is showing me just how much I have become accustomed to actually sharing my life with someone else, as opposed to simply sharing space with them.
This weekend I haven't woken at 2 or 3am, to remind Broken Man to come to bed. I haven't worried about having the TV on at night, to drown out the downstairs snoring. I haven't crept into the living room at 5am to sleep and I haven't checked the label of everything I eat for garlic (he's allergic). However, I have locked the front door before I go to sleep. I have (bizarrely) slept on my side of the bed, even though it's all available to me (although he'll tell you I don't do that when he is there!) and I have carefully avoided watching the TV programmes he might want to see when he gets home.
In short, I miss Broken Man. I know that 2 nights is not exactly a long time, and that many people have to live without their partners for much longer, but it came as a bit of a shock to me really. I miss Broken Man, and life is better when we're together.
Sorry for not posting the usual Saturday theology session - I am certainly not up to Broken Man's level, and will leave the theology to him!
Thanks for being such lovely readers during my "guest blog" slots!
Broken Man's Wife
I don't sleep well, you see. I have very sensitive hearing (seriously, I can hear the guy in the flat downstairs when he snores), and the merest chink of light wakes me up.
I did have some trepidation when I got married - not about the man I was marrying, but about the general logistics of living in such close proximity to someone else. I worried that the little things would drive me slowly insane, and I would end up hating the person I had once loved so much.
Broken Man's snoring *does* drive me insane, and often drives me to the (comparative) silence of the living room (once I have switched off the buzz of all the electrical equipment) but the fact that every night, he takes a spray to minimise the snoring, just so that I can sleep better, more than makes up for it.
It makes me so cross that he *still* smokes, even though our baby is due in less than three months, but I remember that in trying to quit, he has taken up knitting (briefly), used patches which gave him awful execema, and currently uses a slightly odd looking inhaler. How can I stay cross when he is trying so hard?
So, I'm getting used to not being a solitary person any more. This weekend is showing me just how much I have become accustomed to actually sharing my life with someone else, as opposed to simply sharing space with them.
This weekend I haven't woken at 2 or 3am, to remind Broken Man to come to bed. I haven't worried about having the TV on at night, to drown out the downstairs snoring. I haven't crept into the living room at 5am to sleep and I haven't checked the label of everything I eat for garlic (he's allergic). However, I have locked the front door before I go to sleep. I have (bizarrely) slept on my side of the bed, even though it's all available to me (although he'll tell you I don't do that when he is there!) and I have carefully avoided watching the TV programmes he might want to see when he gets home.
In short, I miss Broken Man. I know that 2 nights is not exactly a long time, and that many people have to live without their partners for much longer, but it came as a bit of a shock to me really. I miss Broken Man, and life is better when we're together.
Sorry for not posting the usual Saturday theology session - I am certainly not up to Broken Man's level, and will leave the theology to him!
Thanks for being such lovely readers during my "guest blog" slots!
Broken Man's Wife
Friday, 26 September 2008
The Long-Suffering Wife?
Hi!
Broken Man is away at a training weekend for the next couple of days, so he has asked me to "guest blog" for him. I've never done this before, so please don't all desert his blog while he is away, or I will look very bad! On the other hand, don't give me more comments than him, or he will feel very bad. Not that we are competative, or anything!
In case you hadn't guessed, I am Broken Man's "long-suffering wife", although I have to say that I don't feel very "long-suffering". It's something I've been thinking about over the last couple of days. As most of you know, Broken Man is dyspraxic. This manifests itself in what most people expect, the clumsiness, but in many other ways as well - above average intellegence, very logical thought progressions and very poor memory.
We have learnt to cope with these issues pretty well; they are just part of our lives now, so we don't even realise that we are "coping", to us we are simply living. It didn't occur to me how alien the way we live is to others until a small incident with a forgotten laptop today.
Broken Man left the house for his training weekend today after I did. Normally, if I'm not around I would leave a checklist of things to remember to put in the car, but this morning I forgot. When I got home, I realised that he had forgotten his laptop. I was due to visit a friend, but, as she has a son who is dyspraxic too, I was able to call her up, and just simply say that Broken Man had forgotten his laptop and I needed to take it to him, so I would be late. She understood exactly why I needed to go.
I only realised how relieved I was that it had been this particular friend I had been letting down in the car on the way home. I have been in this situation before, and have received a torent of well-meaning "advice" and comments from other friends. People say things like "it was up to him to remember, I wouldn't be chasing after him" or "surely he can manage just for a weekend", or "you do far too much for him".
I have got to the stage where I nod politely and move on. It doesn't seem to change anyone's opinion when I try to explain how panicked Broken Man would be if he had to try to make hand-written notes, and how he would invariably lose the notes at some point, or why it really isn't his fault that he forgets things, or the style in which he writes, which *requires* the use of "cut-and-paste", necessitating a computer.
Many people seem to feel a sense of indignation for what I "have to do for" Broken Man. I wish they wouldn't. I don't. He has his difficulties, and I have mine. No-one seems to feel indignant on his behalf because I have such bad panic attacks when I go near a dentist or a hospital that he has to take time off work to accompany me, so why do they feel that way about me helping him out when he needs it?
Dyspraxia is a very hidden disability. I'm sure that no-one would think it odd if I helped my blind husband cross the road, but they do think it's odd that I will go out of my way to help Broken Man in the areas he finds difficult (in the same way that he helps me in areas I find difficult - it's a 50/50 thing!). Our relationship works - I just wonder why so many people feel the need to fix it!
So, I will sign off as "the long-suffering wife", as long as you don't think I really am! :)
Broken Man is away at a training weekend for the next couple of days, so he has asked me to "guest blog" for him. I've never done this before, so please don't all desert his blog while he is away, or I will look very bad! On the other hand, don't give me more comments than him, or he will feel very bad. Not that we are competative, or anything!
In case you hadn't guessed, I am Broken Man's "long-suffering wife", although I have to say that I don't feel very "long-suffering". It's something I've been thinking about over the last couple of days. As most of you know, Broken Man is dyspraxic. This manifests itself in what most people expect, the clumsiness, but in many other ways as well - above average intellegence, very logical thought progressions and very poor memory.
We have learnt to cope with these issues pretty well; they are just part of our lives now, so we don't even realise that we are "coping", to us we are simply living. It didn't occur to me how alien the way we live is to others until a small incident with a forgotten laptop today.
Broken Man left the house for his training weekend today after I did. Normally, if I'm not around I would leave a checklist of things to remember to put in the car, but this morning I forgot. When I got home, I realised that he had forgotten his laptop. I was due to visit a friend, but, as she has a son who is dyspraxic too, I was able to call her up, and just simply say that Broken Man had forgotten his laptop and I needed to take it to him, so I would be late. She understood exactly why I needed to go.
I only realised how relieved I was that it had been this particular friend I had been letting down in the car on the way home. I have been in this situation before, and have received a torent of well-meaning "advice" and comments from other friends. People say things like "it was up to him to remember, I wouldn't be chasing after him" or "surely he can manage just for a weekend", or "you do far too much for him".
I have got to the stage where I nod politely and move on. It doesn't seem to change anyone's opinion when I try to explain how panicked Broken Man would be if he had to try to make hand-written notes, and how he would invariably lose the notes at some point, or why it really isn't his fault that he forgets things, or the style in which he writes, which *requires* the use of "cut-and-paste", necessitating a computer.
Many people seem to feel a sense of indignation for what I "have to do for" Broken Man. I wish they wouldn't. I don't. He has his difficulties, and I have mine. No-one seems to feel indignant on his behalf because I have such bad panic attacks when I go near a dentist or a hospital that he has to take time off work to accompany me, so why do they feel that way about me helping him out when he needs it?
Dyspraxia is a very hidden disability. I'm sure that no-one would think it odd if I helped my blind husband cross the road, but they do think it's odd that I will go out of my way to help Broken Man in the areas he finds difficult (in the same way that he helps me in areas I find difficult - it's a 50/50 thing!). Our relationship works - I just wonder why so many people feel the need to fix it!
So, I will sign off as "the long-suffering wife", as long as you don't think I really am! :)
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Tutorial
Tonight will be my first tutorial, my first chance to meet a couple of the people I will be training with for the next three years. We are expected to have completed unit 1 of the course by this weekend, yet we have been told to bring nothing with us to the tutorial, "it's just a chance to get to know each other…"
It will not come as a surprise to you to learn that I have read through the first five weeks of the course already and done the first essay. Hopefully, this will give me a chance to kick back a little bit and concentrate on the new module of my MA for the next four weeks, and then to flip back to the degree again. I do, however, have a sense of impending panic and doom about whether I will manage the time demands. I really want to get the most out of the degree, and the training; I want it to transform me, to make me into a better person. I would love to go in to one end of the priest-training-grinder as I am and come out the other side shiny, holy, loving, peaceful and wise. Thus far, every other sentence I have read in the study materials has made me want to stab someone to death with a rusty spoon. I really don’t feel cut out for this being a vicar lark. It's barking mad.
The plan tonight is calm..peaceful.. reserved...no sarcasm. Listen respectfully. Learn from those in my group. Think nice thoughts. Don’t become centre of attention. Don’t speak to much. Take other's points of view seriously. I can do this…I can!!
– just in case..i will take a spoon with me.
Yours as ever
The Broken Man
It will not come as a surprise to you to learn that I have read through the first five weeks of the course already and done the first essay. Hopefully, this will give me a chance to kick back a little bit and concentrate on the new module of my MA for the next four weeks, and then to flip back to the degree again. I do, however, have a sense of impending panic and doom about whether I will manage the time demands. I really want to get the most out of the degree, and the training; I want it to transform me, to make me into a better person. I would love to go in to one end of the priest-training-grinder as I am and come out the other side shiny, holy, loving, peaceful and wise. Thus far, every other sentence I have read in the study materials has made me want to stab someone to death with a rusty spoon. I really don’t feel cut out for this being a vicar lark. It's barking mad.
The plan tonight is calm..peaceful.. reserved...no sarcasm. Listen respectfully. Learn from those in my group. Think nice thoughts. Don’t become centre of attention. Don’t speak to much. Take other's points of view seriously. I can do this…I can!!
– just in case..i will take a spoon with me.
Yours as ever
The Broken Man
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Nappies, awards, comments and pain
NAPPIES
The hunt for a nappy system for a newborn is at last over …I am told by the long suffering wife that “we” have selected nappies for a newborn. "Fantastic", I thought, the power of delegation has worked wonders.
Dear friends…may I ask you…honestly now….is it just me or is the idea of a rainbow or polka-dot nappy rather disturbing? I realise I am a grumpy old man; that I am one built for complaining…but really…be fair…to see the full horror have a look at the web site: http://www.babykind.co.uk/wrapsredrap.htm
AWARDS
In other news...the very lovely Gill at http://mehimthem.blogspot.com has given me an Oscar! I am very touched, but deeply unsure of these award things. Don’t get me wrong, I love being given awards….they are fab. Being given a “kick arse” award was particuarly satisfying, but this whole "pass this onto 5 people, name the person who gave it to you" thing, makes me think that surely any award will eventually go to everyone on the net, it feels a little like a chain letter to me. It seems very rude to accept an award and not follow the instructions on it, but to refuse an award, well, that’s even ruder… So for the record…..."thank you, thank you, I would like to thank my wife, my agent, my publistist, everyone who made this possible, it’s a surprise, its wonderful to recive this recognition…but as I am camera shy, I must regretfully decline the opportunity to collect this award in person.
COMMENTS
Thank you everyone for your comments of late, and sorry I have been so bad at replying to them, I really will get on it! Sometimes I read a question I am asked and think... "oh come on, I have answered that, it's in the About Me section…READ IT." Uncharitable, I know. Sometimes I think, "I don’t want to talk about that right now…I did when I wrote about it (eg syndrome thingy) but right now I would just prefer not to." Other times I want to respond but don’t have time – I receive the email update telling me I have had a message, and telling me what someone has said on my work pc, but can not access the site till I get home to reply..other times I forget. Sure, sometimes I am just lazy and uncaring…but not always – and your comment – that one made me laugh, and touched me, and meant a lot to me. I do love recieving your comments, it flatters my ego, so please don’t stop – but don’t worry to much if I appear to be ignoring it..
That was a far longer explanation than I intended. To other things…
PAIN IN THE NECK
My back is not better. My neck hurts, as does my coccyx. I just rubbed my hand over my neck and heard a cracking sound. When I move my right arm it's like someone is setting fire crackers. On a positive note, I have had an update and it should be 5 weeks or so before I get to see a physio. I know I have gone on about this before but it makes me feel physically sick to just think about it, and I feel such a sense of blind panic that something is seriously wrong.
Sorry just needed to sit in the corner sobbing for a while, and there is no point in being in pain unless everyone else knows about it.
Yours as ever
The Broken Man
The hunt for a nappy system for a newborn is at last over …I am told by the long suffering wife that “we” have selected nappies for a newborn. "Fantastic", I thought, the power of delegation has worked wonders.
Dear friends…may I ask you…honestly now….is it just me or is the idea of a rainbow or polka-dot nappy rather disturbing? I realise I am a grumpy old man; that I am one built for complaining…but really…be fair…to see the full horror have a look at the web site: http://www.babykind.co.uk/wrapsredrap.htm
AWARDS
In other news...the very lovely Gill at http://mehimthem.blogspot.com has given me an Oscar! I am very touched, but deeply unsure of these award things. Don’t get me wrong, I love being given awards….they are fab. Being given a “kick arse” award was particuarly satisfying, but this whole "pass this onto 5 people, name the person who gave it to you" thing, makes me think that surely any award will eventually go to everyone on the net, it feels a little like a chain letter to me. It seems very rude to accept an award and not follow the instructions on it, but to refuse an award, well, that’s even ruder… So for the record…..."thank you, thank you, I would like to thank my wife, my agent, my publistist, everyone who made this possible, it’s a surprise, its wonderful to recive this recognition…but as I am camera shy, I must regretfully decline the opportunity to collect this award in person.
COMMENTS
Thank you everyone for your comments of late, and sorry I have been so bad at replying to them, I really will get on it! Sometimes I read a question I am asked and think... "oh come on, I have answered that, it's in the About Me section…READ IT." Uncharitable, I know. Sometimes I think, "I don’t want to talk about that right now…I did when I wrote about it (eg syndrome thingy) but right now I would just prefer not to." Other times I want to respond but don’t have time – I receive the email update telling me I have had a message, and telling me what someone has said on my work pc, but can not access the site till I get home to reply..other times I forget. Sure, sometimes I am just lazy and uncaring…but not always – and your comment – that one made me laugh, and touched me, and meant a lot to me. I do love recieving your comments, it flatters my ego, so please don’t stop – but don’t worry to much if I appear to be ignoring it..
That was a far longer explanation than I intended. To other things…
PAIN IN THE NECK
My back is not better. My neck hurts, as does my coccyx. I just rubbed my hand over my neck and heard a cracking sound. When I move my right arm it's like someone is setting fire crackers. On a positive note, I have had an update and it should be 5 weeks or so before I get to see a physio. I know I have gone on about this before but it makes me feel physically sick to just think about it, and I feel such a sense of blind panic that something is seriously wrong.
Sorry just needed to sit in the corner sobbing for a while, and there is no point in being in pain unless everyone else knows about it.
Yours as ever
The Broken Man
Thursday, 21 August 2008
I know you dont care...but
Having a bad back one should not try moving boxes, particually heavy ones.
Sitting hurts right now, as does standing, so i am going to go back to laying down.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Sitting hurts right now, as does standing, so i am going to go back to laying down.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Frequently & Infrequently Asked Questions
There are some questions which I am asked on a fairly regular basis, and often the answers are buried in other posts. My apologies if you have been reading for some time and all ready know the information below, but I thought it would be worth doing a recap for those who are new here. I will put a link up to this post in the “about me” section so new people can find this post if they so desire! If there are other regular questions that come up I will add the answers to this post .
Why do you call yourself the Broken Man?
Depending on the day I have a different answer:
I am a Broken Man because of the experiences I have gone through. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father died when I was 16, my older brother died of a heroin overdoes, and I am on my second marriage. All of this has contributed, and much more beside.
I am the Broken Man, because I am broke; I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I am the Broken man, because my body aches; I dropped a TV on my head and things haven't been right since.
I am a broken man because, to quote Morrissey, "the things I have seen could turn a good man bad". And I never was much of a good man.
I am a broken man because I suffer from depression. I have up days, and down days. On down days I want to drive my car into a brick wall and it feels like nothing will ever be okay.
I am the Broken Man, because I have spent a long time living in the dark – however – in the darkness I have found a light, a voice in the deafening silence, that calls to me, and a God who works through my brokenness, and holds the pieces together.
How did I find your blog?
When I am bored I start trawling through blogs, and it seems very rude to me to go into someone’s house without at least saying "hello". Hence, I left you a comment. I found you by putting key words into a blog search, or by following a comment you posted somewhere else, or by finding you on a blog roll of someone else, but I have a very bad memory and it is very unlikely I will now remember which route I took to your blog.
When is the baby due?
December. The wife and I are not too convinced about hospital predicted due dates – for first babies the studies we have looked at suggest that 42 weeks is more normal than 40, and when you tell people your due date they start asking lots of questions near the due date, like – "is it here yet?" So I prefer to just say “December”.
What branch of Christianity are you going to be a priest in?
I am training for ordination in the Church of England, which is an Anglican Church. I describe myself as a Christian (when I must), but rarely by denomination, as I tend to think denomination isn’t that important. Having said that, I like the way that theology is “done” in the Anglican church and hence this is where I am.
Why are you anonymous – how anonymous are you?
By being anonymous I feel I can say things I couldn’t if I wasn’t. For example – I can be rude about my church without offending anyone. I realise I am not incredibly anonymous and it would be very easy for someone with a burning desire to find out who I am to identify me, but I would prefer it this blog isn’t the first thing that someone finds if they put my name into Google.
How did you become a Christian?
This is a question I tend to avoid, as in honesty it’s a long and complex story, involving, much like the people of Israel in the Hebrew Bible account, following God for a while, and then falling away, before returning a little later. There is not a clear break where I can give you a date on which I became a Christian, rather there were many times when I made commitments which I then fell away from. The primary place that got me interested though was a youth discussion group which I attended with the express intention of disproving the existence of God. The thing that turned me off Christianity the most was those Christians who said that there were some things you shouldn’t ask questions about and just had to accept. The thing that impressed me the most was Christians who, no matter how much they disapproved of my life style, continued to care about me, and wanted me as their friend.
Where are you studying?
I am currently studying a Masters Degree in Jewish-Christian relations at the Wolfe Institute, Cambridge. My studies for ordination are taking the form of the first year of a degree course at a local theological collage, followed (probably) by a transfer to the Masters Degree in the second year of training. I am training part-time due to the financial constraints on me, but prefer not to name the place I am studying for Ordination with so that I am free to whine about the course if I want to!
Why do you call yourself the Broken Man?
Depending on the day I have a different answer:
I am a Broken Man because of the experiences I have gone through. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father died when I was 16, my older brother died of a heroin overdoes, and I am on my second marriage. All of this has contributed, and much more beside.
I am the Broken Man, because I am broke; I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I am the Broken man, because my body aches; I dropped a TV on my head and things haven't been right since.
I am a broken man because, to quote Morrissey, "the things I have seen could turn a good man bad". And I never was much of a good man.
I am a broken man because I suffer from depression. I have up days, and down days. On down days I want to drive my car into a brick wall and it feels like nothing will ever be okay.
I am the Broken Man, because I have spent a long time living in the dark – however – in the darkness I have found a light, a voice in the deafening silence, that calls to me, and a God who works through my brokenness, and holds the pieces together.
How did I find your blog?
When I am bored I start trawling through blogs, and it seems very rude to me to go into someone’s house without at least saying "hello". Hence, I left you a comment. I found you by putting key words into a blog search, or by following a comment you posted somewhere else, or by finding you on a blog roll of someone else, but I have a very bad memory and it is very unlikely I will now remember which route I took to your blog.
When is the baby due?
December. The wife and I are not too convinced about hospital predicted due dates – for first babies the studies we have looked at suggest that 42 weeks is more normal than 40, and when you tell people your due date they start asking lots of questions near the due date, like – "is it here yet?" So I prefer to just say “December”.
What branch of Christianity are you going to be a priest in?
I am training for ordination in the Church of England, which is an Anglican Church. I describe myself as a Christian (when I must), but rarely by denomination, as I tend to think denomination isn’t that important. Having said that, I like the way that theology is “done” in the Anglican church and hence this is where I am.
Why are you anonymous – how anonymous are you?
By being anonymous I feel I can say things I couldn’t if I wasn’t. For example – I can be rude about my church without offending anyone. I realise I am not incredibly anonymous and it would be very easy for someone with a burning desire to find out who I am to identify me, but I would prefer it this blog isn’t the first thing that someone finds if they put my name into Google.
How did you become a Christian?
This is a question I tend to avoid, as in honesty it’s a long and complex story, involving, much like the people of Israel in the Hebrew Bible account, following God for a while, and then falling away, before returning a little later. There is not a clear break where I can give you a date on which I became a Christian, rather there were many times when I made commitments which I then fell away from. The primary place that got me interested though was a youth discussion group which I attended with the express intention of disproving the existence of God. The thing that turned me off Christianity the most was those Christians who said that there were some things you shouldn’t ask questions about and just had to accept. The thing that impressed me the most was Christians who, no matter how much they disapproved of my life style, continued to care about me, and wanted me as their friend.
Where are you studying?
I am currently studying a Masters Degree in Jewish-Christian relations at the Wolfe Institute, Cambridge. My studies for ordination are taking the form of the first year of a degree course at a local theological collage, followed (probably) by a transfer to the Masters Degree in the second year of training. I am training part-time due to the financial constraints on me, but prefer not to name the place I am studying for Ordination with so that I am free to whine about the course if I want to!
Monday, 18 August 2008
Make Me a Christian - Part 2
I know I shouldn't have watched the second part of this show, I should have resisted temptation...but i couldn't...and I am now ready to go out with a baseball bat and beat the makers to death - in love.
For example - a couple who are living together, with the lass pregnant - the recommendation? Or rather instruction. Sleep in diffrent rooms. I am sorry, but surely a better approach would be to say "wow, you are having a child together, you are living together, you have a relationship which is a committed one, and we would really encourage you to get married, to have that relationship publically recognised and celebrated, to make vows publically in front of God and your friends."
One the guys is a biker; a full-spirited, over-flowing with humour, deeply enquiring biker. Instead of answering his questions and celebrating them, the response is to try to ram things down his throat. One of the other guys on the programe is a Muslim who is "trying Christianity". He invited the Biker to join him in prayer, which he did happily, as the offer was made with love, with care and with concern.
The response by the preacher was to be really cross that the guy had introduced "Islam" to the group, not to feel what he should have, which is deeply ashamed of himself that he had failed to engage with the biker, or offer him a chance to communicate with God in a way that is meaningful.
I am going to stop writing now...as it's still on and the more I hear, the angrier I get... and I can't tear myself away...and the more I watch the more I want to hunt down the people responsible..GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Yours,
Angry, Raving, Broken Man
For example - a couple who are living together, with the lass pregnant - the recommendation? Or rather instruction. Sleep in diffrent rooms. I am sorry, but surely a better approach would be to say "wow, you are having a child together, you are living together, you have a relationship which is a committed one, and we would really encourage you to get married, to have that relationship publically recognised and celebrated, to make vows publically in front of God and your friends."
One the guys is a biker; a full-spirited, over-flowing with humour, deeply enquiring biker. Instead of answering his questions and celebrating them, the response is to try to ram things down his throat. One of the other guys on the programe is a Muslim who is "trying Christianity". He invited the Biker to join him in prayer, which he did happily, as the offer was made with love, with care and with concern.
The response by the preacher was to be really cross that the guy had introduced "Islam" to the group, not to feel what he should have, which is deeply ashamed of himself that he had failed to engage with the biker, or offer him a chance to communicate with God in a way that is meaningful.
I am going to stop writing now...as it's still on and the more I hear, the angrier I get... and I can't tear myself away...and the more I watch the more I want to hunt down the people responsible..GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Yours,
Angry, Raving, Broken Man
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