Light

I am sorry for my silence. I have retreated for a while into darkness, but
it seems light is appearing.

Trying to remember where you are up to in the tale of my life :

I am bankrupt

I am going to be redundent as of the end of May

Life has looked a little dark - well very dark if truth be known. But..and
there is a but..there is hope, i may be able to transfer my training to
full time residential. I am applying for funding to spend the next two
years of my life as a student - the very thought of spending a portion of
my life where my only responsabilitys will be to learn, to study, and of
course more important still - to be a father to do my daughter is a thought
that electrifys me - the knowladge that it may not happen equilly teriffys
me.

I havent blogged much as there has seemed so little to say. When the bank
accounts where frozen i thought we would have a new account within a week
or two - it has taken six weeks. In that time we have lived hand to mouth -
or rather hand to friends. We have been provided for though - in moments
when we thought that we wouldnt get through people have stepped in, and I
thank God for that.

Currently i am working long hours - slipping behind in my studies - and the
pressure at work seems to be getting to be notched up each day.

Thank you as ever for your prayers, and sorry for neglecting you

Yours as ever

The Broken Man

Bankrupt

As of 10.30am, I am officially bankrupt. It's been coming for a long time really, and it means things are at least getting sorted. Huge layoffs are happening at work, and I may also be made redundant. The job market in the UK, as in the rest of the world currently, is problematic, but there is food on the table and baby Grace is smiling. My studies are slipping, motivation dwindling, but I'm still here, even if somewhat irregularly,

Yours, as broken as ever,

The Broken Man

Broken

I am as ever broken. The forms for the bankruptcy still haven’t been filled and the letters keep coming and the phone calls don’t stop demanding money yesterday. Work is manic right now and I seem to be on a downward spiral. The studies are not going well. I get home from work at 7pm and try to collect myself, the flat is chaos and I don’t seem to have time to sort it out.

Grace is at the age, the grand age of 10 weeks, where what she needs is her mother. When I am left holding her even for a few mins she quickly dissolves into tears, and I wonder what it is that I can offer her. She is to young too know who I am, and even if she did I don’t know it would help. I crawl into bed late and get up early, and the sleep deperavation takes its tole. I need a shower, cant remember when I last had one, know I need to bath grace, and yet the time escapes.

Not coping

As ever,

The Broken Man

A watched pot, upset parents, and tears

Living in shared accommodation has its advantages – and its disadvantages. My mother had an old kettle that seemed to me to take a week to boil. Speaking to a friend who said that he had saved a “small fortune” by heating his water on the gas stove my mother went out and brought a new £40 kettle to be placed on the stove, and chucked away the old and admittedly battered electric kettle. While the electric kettle was slow to come to the boil, the gas kettle is painfully slow. Because it doesn’t turn itself of, you have to sit in the kitchen with it. Watching it. Waiting for it.

I am a creature of habit. In the morning I go into the kitchen, put the kettle on, put my porridge in the microwave, go to the loo, come back, take my porrage from the microwave pour my cup of tea. Not now. Now I sit and wait. I know its not long. Really I do. It is probably only two or three minutes longer. Yet it feels like 10-15mins. The watched kettle takes an age, the minutes dragging by painfully. Infuriated by the delay I make a search of the internet only to discover that a gas kettle does not save any money at all. It may even be more expensive. The damage is already done however, the new kettle has been brought and we must live with it. Or not have a cup of tea.

In other news the long suffering wife continues to do battle with other mums. Someone on her “list” sent out a recommendation of a book talking about how good routines are for children. Of course the long suffering wife had just been reading an article providing showing that routines create more tears, less sleep, and more stress all around. She duly circulated the article to the list – a move designed to generate feelings of hatred among the rest of the group only slightly less than her correct statement that cot death risks don’t decrees after six weeks but increase so it really isn’t the time to put your baby in a nursery.

Today I want to cry. I can find a reason. I want to stop the world and get off. Maybe it’s the kowladge of all the things I have still to collect from the old flat. Or the bankruptcy forms I haven’t finised filling out, or the pressure of work, or..Maybe its an accumulation of things, but whatever is causing it I want to hide under the duvet and vanish for a while. I am at work, its my lunch break – yet I wish I was at home, in a golden happy moment with my daughter smiling happily. I know I will not get home till seven or so by which time Grace will be struggling with colic (advice on remerdies not required). I know I will not eat till eight. I know I still have studying to do. I know when I do get home I will have to sit and wait for the kettle to boil.

I have read all your replies as ever – updates received on my phone which is far to difficult to reply on. I am listening even when I don’t answer. I am reading if sporadically your blogs even when I don’t post to your boards. Blah

Yours as broken as ever

The Broken Man

Money, Money, Money

I spoke to the relevant people about my debt at the weekend. I have been told that even if I need to go bankrupt, as long as the bankruptcy is discharged before I reach the stage of being ordained it will be okay. Obviously I don’t want to go down that particularly road, but I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders now that my situation is known and I havent been kicked of the course. Was going to leave this to go with a bigger write up on the weekend, but don’t know when or if I will get around to doing that and so many people have been praying about this, and asking about it, I felt I should tell you as soon as possible!

I am not much one for joy..but…just on this one occasion..I will offer a “Yippie”.

Yippie.

I realise that was an undignified outburst, but I feel it was called for. Just this once mind you.

Yours as ever,

The Broken Man