The alarm goes of at 6.45am and I don’t want to get up. I sleep for another 15mins before dragging myself out of bed. Breakfast and off to work. Work pressure is high but I try to study in my lunch break. I make it home for 6.30pm and take Grace while the long suffering wife cooks. All being well by 7.30pm we have eaten. I then need to work on boxing up the flat and taking things over to my mother's. We are moving in under 14 days.
I have cancelled all the direct debits, cancelled the mortgague payment, cancelled all the bills – the letters will soon rain down on me, the final demands – but I haven’t got the money to pay the bills. Paperwork needs looking at but I haven’t the will or the time to do it. At 1am I crawl into bed, at 3am grace wakes to feed. At 6.45am the alarm goes of and I don’t want to get up. I sleep for another 15mins before dragging myself…and so it goes on.
It is the long suffering wife's birthday on the 27th. Grace’s dedication on the 1st. So much to do and right now all I want to do is sleep.
Last night the wife asked me how much I think her stomach will recover. If how it is now is how it is. She is doing the exercises from the physio – we are a long way off from where things will be but I see her struggling and there is no easy comfort I can offer. The long suffering wife was always going to struggle with a post birth body – she is a recovering annorexic on the wagon for some 10 years now. The tear of her stomach muscles though has made things so much harder, so much worse than they would have been otherwise. She has never had a positive body image and now I see her walking on a thin wire high above the world trying so hard not to fall, trying to cling on.
In a brief moment between feeds, between changed nappys, between packing boxes, between Grace with wind, I catch glimpse of my wife and daughter's eyes, brief moments, the merest hint of a smile and for a moment I lose myself in it and everything seems okay – and then I remember that there are things I need to be doing and so I drag myself out of my chair and continue the battle for survival.
Today I am struggling.
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man.
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8 comments:
cyber hugs and positive thoughts and a prayer too!
Believe me, after having a baby, her body will never be the same - it may have changed a bit, but its still her beautiful body, and she has to realize that.
Hope all goes well - I've been there with bill collectors, and whatnot - its a hard road...
/cyber hugz and prayers.
As we say 'round these parts, you can't squeeze blood from a turnip - one does the best one can.
A body that has borne life is beautiful whatever its shape.
Things will improve. It may take time and more patience than you think you have, but they will.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Hang on in there Lovely.
Thinking of you.XXX
I remember all the baby stuff. I do not envy you and I am sorry about the ongoing financial trauma.
Tell me: are you still smoking?
Hugs and love to both of you. I remember that awful treadmill of exhaustion (with occasional flashes of elation!) from when I was nursing and working full time, and I promise it will get better. Not right away, but it will happen.
Your LSW's body won't be exactly the same, and it won't happen overnight, but she will be shapely again. Remind her, and yourself, that she should give herself *at least* as much time to recover as it took for the gestation!
Right now, in this very moment may you be made whole by the presence of Gods love in your life. May all these experiences work together for thy good.
Prayers and quiet thoughts offered up on your behalf.
Grace and peace to the family
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