The long-suffering wife asked me a few days ago whether I was “up for” going to a homebirth meeting, so I said "sure"; it's always good to get some extra info as we are heading down that avenue, so to speak. So, tonight we are heading off to a stranger's house, with a group of other people who have had or are planning to have homebirths. The couple will show us their homebirth pool, the video of the delivery, and we will all have tea and maybe even biscuits.
If you just managed to read that sentence without stopping half way through and screaming "NO!! WHY??? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT???" then you have done better than me! Let me draw your attention again to that line...at stranger's house watching a video of them giving birth while they ask if I would like another biscuit.. I am very afraid..in fact the only thing which bothered me more was when, many years ago, a female friend put on a hard core video with her in the starring...position and asked me what I thought of it (I nearly choked on my tea!). I mean, maybe..maybe it will all be tastefully filmed from the head end (the mother's – not baby's) but – okay – I am being pathetic? Squeemish?
And when I get nervous I make jokes…I try not to … but, even now, I am thinking of lines like “OUCH, that must sting", "hey, I bet that put your man off sex for ever", "I mean, wow, that’s not pretty” “are all babies that ugly when born?” “may I say, I love what you have done with your hair..”
Yours as ever,
The Broken Man
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15 comments:
Are you seriously considering a home birth? Working in the medical field, I've heard about the results of botched up ones, and given how long you've waited for this babe, I'd be so scared. Although I do know a couple successful ones too. However, it is your choice, I would just advise a lot of research prior and a big back up plan. My 2 cents. Signing out.
ROFLMAO! Yeah, a birth is truly a blessed event, but it is pretty gross. my husband wasn't one of the ones totally grossed out - hey he's the one that cleans up the vomit when our daughter gets sick-but yeah, your comments or funny jokes also can go along like - 'geez honey I didn't know it could stretch that big!'
'OMG I can't believe that is coming out of you!
When I had our daughter, my MIL and mom were both in the room, and since both had us when it was normal to be knocked out they both were watching our daughters birth and going 'wow, cool', 'this is awesome looking!'
yeah thats just what I wanted to hear while pushing a bowling ball thru a hole the size of a garden hose...
Biscuit anyone??
Thanks for your comments and concerns. We have researched, read the books, journals, etc and looked very carefully at the options. Statistically, a home birth is far safer than a hospital birth – medical intervention tends to cause more problems than it solves.
Even in those cases where a hospital transfer is needed, the figures say that you have less complications and better survival rate with a birth that starts at home and transfers than a birth with the same complications which starts off at hospital.
A first child is the safest to have at home as labour tends to take longer, so if a transfer is needed you have more time in which to do it. In hopitals in the UK the ratio is one midwife to five women. During a home birth the ratio is two midwifes to one woman. We will also have in attendance a friend who is a paramedic.
The Broken Man
Homebirths are indeed statistically safer, because if medical intervention *is* required the mum will be ferried to the nearest hospital, hence interventions during birth are slim to none, if you get what I mean.
Personally I think Katelyn's birth would have gone quite differently had we been at home rather than the hospital, though we were in them midwife-led unit, in a birthing pool room. Her heart rate was suspiciously high though, so they took me into the medical wing "to be on the safe side", where at one point I was told I would need a c-section if nothing happened within 30min. In the end we got away with an episiotomy and forceps, probably because hubby and I let them, uh, know what we thought of major abdominal surgery *cough*
And, as it turned out, the rapid heart rate was not a sign of foetal distress, proven by blood test and her general perfectness when she came out. If they'd just let me get on with it we probably would have been fine, so next time I'm going the home birth route. The hospital is only 10min by normal car, let alone an ambulance.
I seem to have babbled a lot, as usual! What I meant to say was really, good on you.. and tbh, seeing a graphic birthing video ahead of time will probably help. Hubby was somewhat shocked by the real thing and probably could have done with a heads up!
i'd love to be a fly on the wall at that party LOL
I don't know - that just sounds like a skit from Little Britain.... :)
omg too funny!! I birthed all mine in hospital some in Germany and one in wales!! A homebirth was never even entertained for me....too much tidying up afterwards etc etc i selfishly just wanted me and hubby to be with our babe in arms with no house work, pool deflation etc to be done LOL. But good luck to you!!
PS..i gave birth 3 times..all wonderful..all yukky, slimy and messy!! Let someone else clean it - thats my motto!! LOL
Have fun.. enjoy the biscuits!! haha
I will dance at your weddin' if you make the hair comment - that's brilliant!
I wish I could have HB'd the Evil Genius - I think we both would have been better off. Nothing against hospitals, just the people who handled almost every aspect of my labor and delivery - they sucked, were bullies, rude, wanted me to hurry up and quit inconveniencing them, callous, and had fingers the size of polish sausages. If you don't know why that matters, ask a woman who's had a hospital birth.
Also, I would really have preferred not to have everyone and their cousin reaching up my...erm...well, you know...to their elbows to feel around for the lost Incan treasure. I swear, I think strangers wandered in out of the hallway to have a go.
Good luck with movie night. Maybe they'll serve ginger-lemon biscuits. Mmm, ginger-lemon cremes...
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Well i managed to contain myself to the single line "Thank you for exposing yourself to us".
The birth wasnt to horrifying - the afterbirth..the midwife playing with the plecenta...not so nice...not so nice at all...another slice of cake?
Dear Broken Man,
First of all, I'm a bigger fan than I already was, because you have Johnny B. Goode playing on your music box. Second of all, um... really? A Home Birth? Every woman I know that wanted one said they were supremely ignorant after the fact. Just like parenting itself, no matter how many books you read, nothing can prepare you for what really happens. So, thanks for hearing this with the good intentions I meant it with. Stay safe LSW, ok? Blessings, Whitney
Ah you know where I stand, why repeat myself? ;) Good on you both.
But think very carefully before videoing your own birth, it can look traumatic even though in actual life it was peaceful and joyous, and I wouldn't want to add anything after the fact to the experience.
I want to have a home birth so badly, but our neighborhood is crap and the thought of going through labor and childbirth with the sound of bottles breaking and people cussing at each other right outside doesn't make me all that warm and fuzzy.
I'm not sure that the "Monty Python" troupe could have come up with a skit funnier than you are describing at the "Birthing Party". I'm just glad it was you and not me.
LOL Oh man, your comments are cracking me up!
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