A cappuccino for those who have never experienced one, (and there is a good chance you haven't) is made up of one third mind-blowingly strong espresso, one third hot milk, and one third froth. It is a drink that I take incredible pleasure in. When I see it advertised in a coffee shop I always feel a surge of expectancy, a quickening of the heart, a watering of the mouth and anticipation for the caffine hit that it will achieve.
I am aware that this excitement is foolish; I should have learnt by now, but like Peter Pan I never do. Each time I am tricked I feel the crushing disappointment as though it was the first time. I go to the counter and enquire as to what a cappuccino is. I figure it’s a good idea to be certain, to check that we agree on the terminology, that the drink I will pay for is indeed the drink I long for. The person behind the counter invariably gives me a look that conveys to me that this enquiry will result in him spitting in my cup. Clearly annoyed, they describe to me a cappuccino that fills me with hope, and so in good faith I part with money.
Now, okay, I know what you are thinking; "Why is someone in so much debt buying a cappuccino?"....but surely, dear reader, you will allow me this pleasure? This once in a while treat? To sit down with a good book and drink this sweet nectar?
I take my seat and wait with all the innocence of a child, and then at last it arrives..a white coffee made from stale, weak coffee with a small layer of lightly frothed semi-skimmed milk. I take a sip and my worst fears are realised: It's foul. I complain, object, protest and point out the unfairness of it all, I explain that this coffee is what is wrong with the world, that it expresses (expresses…see what I did there…never mind..) the decline of the service industry, that it symbolises the mediocrity that has become the norm, I explain that what erks me more than anything is the dishonesty of it all. If he had told me that,at this particular establishment,a cappuccino is, in fact a weak white coffee with a small layer of froth on top I could have made an educated decision as to whether I wanted it or not. He lied to me. He deceived me.
At this point the waiter asks if I want the coffee or not, and my wife drags me away, and suggests that we could just pick up a carton of juice from the newsagents. She asks me,
as she has asked me so many times before, why I order it when I know whats going to happen…
"Surely though" I tell her, "one day, I will find a place where they don’t lie, where the coffee is all it should be and could be, where the sofas are comfortable, where the music is bearable"...
.I’m not ready to give up my search for heaven on earth just yet..
Yours as always,
The broken man.
Friday, 4 July 2008
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Expecting
Along with writing this blog I am also writing a little book or booklet, a weekly diary of sorts for our, as yet unborn, child.
My interest in family trees and the likes has meant that I have researched my own family tree and found the names of people as far back as the 14th century, yet lots of these people are little more than names on a page to me, and I would love to know more of their lives. In the same way that I would like to know more about my parents lives and the world they lived I before I was born. With that in mind I am keeping a journal for our baby called “Expecting” that I am trying to fill out once a week or so. If I mange it, I will carry on after our baby is born, so that in years to come there is some record for our baby to look back on. Today’s entry in “Expecting” reads:
You are now 17 Weeks old and about 5 inches long from head to rump!
Your mum sings to you "Kooks" by David Bowie:
"Will you stay in our Lovers' Story?
If you stay you won't be sorry
'Cause we believe in you.
Soon you'll grow, so take a chance
With a couple of Kooks
Hung up on romancing.
We bought you lots of things to keep you warm and dry
And a funny old crib on which the paint won't dry
I bought you a pair of shoes
A trumpet you can blow
And a book of rules
On what to say to people when they pick on you
'Cause if you stay with us you're gonna be pretty Kooky too"
By the time you are old enough to read this, you will be well aware that you parents are kooky. I think that’s a good word for it. I always have had the sneaking impression that everyone else is living to a slightly different set of rules to your mum and me.
Sometimes being different can feel a very strange thing, we can feel that we desperately want to fit in, and I am sure that there are times when you will feel very embarrassed of us or anything about you that is different. If you havent discovered it already, the thing that most people have in common – is that they don’t feel that they fit in. Most people spend a huge amount of time pretending that they are exactly the same as other people – who are also pretending. Your mum and me think that being different is just fine, and we hope that you will grow up to be someone who will decide on what you want to wear, what you want to do with your life, the music you like, the books you enjoy, that you will manage to avoid feeling you need to pretend you like something just because other people do. No matter what, always remember, whoever you become, wherever you go in your life, we will always love you and there will always be a warm welcome waiting for you.
My interest in family trees and the likes has meant that I have researched my own family tree and found the names of people as far back as the 14th century, yet lots of these people are little more than names on a page to me, and I would love to know more of their lives. In the same way that I would like to know more about my parents lives and the world they lived I before I was born. With that in mind I am keeping a journal for our baby called “Expecting” that I am trying to fill out once a week or so. If I mange it, I will carry on after our baby is born, so that in years to come there is some record for our baby to look back on. Today’s entry in “Expecting” reads:
You are now 17 Weeks old and about 5 inches long from head to rump!
Your mum sings to you "Kooks" by David Bowie:
"Will you stay in our Lovers' Story?
If you stay you won't be sorry
'Cause we believe in you.
Soon you'll grow, so take a chance
With a couple of Kooks
Hung up on romancing.
We bought you lots of things to keep you warm and dry
And a funny old crib on which the paint won't dry
I bought you a pair of shoes
A trumpet you can blow
And a book of rules
On what to say to people when they pick on you
'Cause if you stay with us you're gonna be pretty Kooky too"
By the time you are old enough to read this, you will be well aware that you parents are kooky. I think that’s a good word for it. I always have had the sneaking impression that everyone else is living to a slightly different set of rules to your mum and me.
Sometimes being different can feel a very strange thing, we can feel that we desperately want to fit in, and I am sure that there are times when you will feel very embarrassed of us or anything about you that is different. If you havent discovered it already, the thing that most people have in common – is that they don’t feel that they fit in. Most people spend a huge amount of time pretending that they are exactly the same as other people – who are also pretending. Your mum and me think that being different is just fine, and we hope that you will grow up to be someone who will decide on what you want to wear, what you want to do with your life, the music you like, the books you enjoy, that you will manage to avoid feeling you need to pretend you like something just because other people do. No matter what, always remember, whoever you become, wherever you go in your life, we will always love you and there will always be a warm welcome waiting for you.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Degree – UPDATE
THEY DON’T COUNT THE LOWEST GRADE! Well I am sorry to shout, but really, this is incredible, my early rubbish grade wont count towards my final grade, I have just found out! I could still get a distinction. Excuse me while I skip around with a grin plastered to my face.
Yours,
A Happy man
"It doesn't matter which you heard,
The Holy, or the Broken Hallelujah....
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of song
With nothing on my tongue
But Hallelujah...."
Leonard Cohen
Yours,
A Happy man
"It doesn't matter which you heard,
The Holy, or the Broken Hallelujah....
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of song
With nothing on my tongue
But Hallelujah...."
Leonard Cohen
Monday, 30 June 2008
Degree
I just got my marks back on my last two essays for my Master’s Degree. I should explain, I guess, that I have never been a great academic; I left school somewhat prematurely as a result of my involvement in drugs, and was not able to get a place at another school, or get accepted into collage. Some three or four years ago I started studying Judaism in earnest and it's relationship to Christianity, and then came across a Masters Degree in the topic. I applied and much to my amazement was accepted on the strength of a short essay I submitted. Foolishly I decided to start the course by doing two modules simultaneously and drowned. The night before the essays were due in I contacted the course director and asked to be withdrawn. With some coaxing I withdrew from one module, and sat up all night to finish the two essays for the other module – the result being marks of 56 and 70. I was ecstatic to have passed my first two essays, and what’s more to have achieved a distinction in one of them.
Since then I have been trying desperately to achieve grades that will allow me to get a distinction for my degree over all – unfortunately without success. My next module scored 70, a distinction but no help in moving up my grade. I have just received my results from this year's work. 71. To achieve a distinction now I need to get a 76 on my next module, and it's on a topic I feel far more uncertain of than the last modules. In honesty, I am completely gutted. I don’t know what else I could have done to improve on the last modules I submitted, I felt I had done all I could and feel that I have failed.
My long suffering wife has pointed out that getting a Masters Degree at all is an achievement, particularly as I don’t have a degree, A-levels, or GCSE’s but I feel that I have let myself down. The cost of doing the course is huge, the cost of books is staggering, and I have failed to achieve what I should be able to.
To make things worse the next module will be done while also doing the first year of a degree in theology – and while working full time with a baby on the way. After the first year on the theology degree I will be transferred to the Masters Degree on the basis that by then I should have finished my current Masters – to do that I also have to have completed my dissertation – something I am struggling to do. I am drowning in sources, and struggling to get the texts I need. This is not helped by the fact that I haven't yet got a supervisor, as to engage them I need to pay the fees for the final part of my Masters, something I am unable to do right now. To complicate things further, some of the texts I need to access are only available in Hebrew and I have no gift for languages.
I should be happy – I should be pleased about the results I have got – but I remain, as always,
The Broken Man.
Since then I have been trying desperately to achieve grades that will allow me to get a distinction for my degree over all – unfortunately without success. My next module scored 70, a distinction but no help in moving up my grade. I have just received my results from this year's work. 71. To achieve a distinction now I need to get a 76 on my next module, and it's on a topic I feel far more uncertain of than the last modules. In honesty, I am completely gutted. I don’t know what else I could have done to improve on the last modules I submitted, I felt I had done all I could and feel that I have failed.
My long suffering wife has pointed out that getting a Masters Degree at all is an achievement, particularly as I don’t have a degree, A-levels, or GCSE’s but I feel that I have let myself down. The cost of doing the course is huge, the cost of books is staggering, and I have failed to achieve what I should be able to.
To make things worse the next module will be done while also doing the first year of a degree in theology – and while working full time with a baby on the way. After the first year on the theology degree I will be transferred to the Masters Degree on the basis that by then I should have finished my current Masters – to do that I also have to have completed my dissertation – something I am struggling to do. I am drowning in sources, and struggling to get the texts I need. This is not helped by the fact that I haven't yet got a supervisor, as to engage them I need to pay the fees for the final part of my Masters, something I am unable to do right now. To complicate things further, some of the texts I need to access are only available in Hebrew and I have no gift for languages.
I should be happy – I should be pleased about the results I have got – but I remain, as always,
The Broken Man.
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Elphants..
Well now people have said positive things about elephants...oh this blogging buisness is all very confussing! Here are a few elephant jokes..
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?
With all these dumb jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized?
What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill?
Nothing, elephants can't talk.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill?
"Ha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?
With all these dumb jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized?
What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill?
Nothing, elephants can't talk.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill?
"Ha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Saturday, 28 June 2008
Jonah part 1
JONAH 1
Jonah 1:1-2
The word of the Lord came to Jonah[1] son of Amittai[2]: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”
What is unusual about a prophet being sent to Nineveh?
Nineveh is not a city of Israel, it was built by the descendents of Ham encroaching on the territory assigned to Shem (Gen 10.5, 6,8,10,25). This is the only case of a prophet being sent to gentiles. Possibly the relationship drawn in the NT is in someway related to this. Part of the reason for sending a Prophet to gentiles in this case could be seen as shaming Israel. It took just one prophet to call on Nineveh to repent, and they did, whereas God’s people, despite all the prophets and teachers, refused to repent?
Does “its wickedness has come before me” mean that God hadn’t noticed up till then?
Gen 4:10; 6:13; 18.21 seem to suggest that a point comes where God directly intercedes because the suffering caused by someone/a nation is so great. This is not to say that God doesn’t notice until then, but that there comes a point where God directly intervenes.
3 But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.
Why Did Jonah Run Away?
Jon.4:2 tells us that Jonah did not want to go to Nineveh because he knew they would repent. Of all the prophets in the Hebrew Bible, the only one who is actually successful, whose message results in people turning their lives around is Jonah, yet Jonah was not happy about this. The people of Nineveh had made the lives of the Israelites a misery, and given the choice between them facing God’s judgment, or receiving His mercy, Jonah wants them to face His anger.
In running from God, Jonah ran from the community of God, he left Jerusalem and instead of going towards Ninevah which was the east, he went in the opposite direction to Tarshish (Tartessus) which is in Spain and to the West. This is significant because this was a place that did not know about God at all, as far as Jonah was concerned this was a place that God wasn’t at, it was a God free zone. Of course, there is nowhere that God is not present as we see in Psalm 139.
When you struggle to follow God do you try and avoid Christians? When are you tempted to run from God?
4 Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.
Sent out here literally means caused a wind to burst forth. This gives an incredible image of God throwing a wind towards the sea.
5 All the sailors were afraid and each cried out to his own god. And they threw the cargo into the sea to lighten the ship. But Jonah had gone below deck, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep.
When you think of sailors, what kind of people do you picture?
Sailors tend to be a strong, dedicated group of people who are used to working long hours. They know the sea, and are used to storms. When weather conditions turn bad its “all hands to the deck” The description we have here is of a group of sailors that is terrified, this must have been the mothers of all storms. The heathen sailors responded to this in a sensible manner, they called on their gods, and they took practical measures. They asked for help and at the same time they helped themselves. This is contrasted with Jonah, instead of trying to help Jonah goes below the deck and goes to sleep. Jesus is described as being asleep on the Sea of Galilee (Mar.4:37-39) but with Jesus we get the impression of him sleeping peacefully from a position of complete peace and security, with Jonah we get the feeling that his sleep is that of someone who has given up, someone who sees no point in trying to do anything, someone who has just curled up and accepted its all other.
6 The captain went to him and said, “How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice of us, and we will not perish.”
Such is the likelihood that the ship will sink the captain takes control of the situation by asking everyone to pray to there own gods. This is a situation where no-one is certain in his own god, no one is sure that his own gods can save him, but that they need whatever help they can get. The captain wants saving, and he doesn’t care where that comes from, any god will do! Jonah, who has the God who can save them even in the face of this disaster seeing not only his own life in danger but everyone on the ship doesn’t call on God (Psa.107:28)
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you have done something you know you shouldn’t have, and you don’t want to admit that you need help, you don’t want to give in even though you are in a terrible situation?
7 Then the sailors said to each other, “Come, let us cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity.” They cast lots and the lot fell on Jonah.
Lots where often used as a method for finding out what God wanted (Pro.16:33) even in Acts 1.26 we see the disciples after praying, casting lots to decide who should join the disciples as one of twelve. In this case, the lots where right in identifying Jonah as the root cause of the danger they where in.
Is this a valid method for finding out what God wants? Should we use this method in choosing church leaders today?
8 So they asked him, “Tell us, who is responsible for making all this trouble for us? What do you do? Where do you come from? What is your country? From what people are you?”
9 He answered, “I am a Hebrew and I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land.”
It can’t have come as a shock to the sailors that the lot fell to Jonah. Jonah was the only one who didn’t call out to his god, understandably they want to know who it is who has managed to anger the gods so much that they are all facing death. Jonah’s answer is that he is a Hebrew, and that the God he worships is not like the gods they have. The gods that people had where normally responsible for a small area, so a separate god of sea, land, heaven, wine, dance, etc. Jonahs answer is that his God is the God of heaven, he is in charge, in control of everything that exists in the heavenlys, and he created everything that is physical, he is God of sea and of Land. This is a huge claim, and one which would seem ridiculous to the sailors, if it wasn’t for the fact that they where facing death, they had not received an answer from any of the gods they had put there trust in, and by casting lots they knew that this man had upset a god.
10 This terrified them and they asked, “What have you done?” (They knew he was running away from the Lord, because he had already told them so.)
The sailors don’t worship the same God as Jonah, but they know that Jonah must have messed up seriously to have brought about this state of affairs. As Christians we sometimes find ourselves challenged by non Christians, with the line “Call yourself a Christian”. That statement is one that says, what you say you believe doesn’t match up to how you are behaving. This is the situation that Jonah finds himself in, there is a group of people who did not know about his God, but on seeing how powerful he is are sure they would not be stupid enough to do anything to upset such a God. This is a rhetorical question, they already know he has run from God, and they are saying what are you playing at, why on earth would you do such a thing?
Have you ever found yourself challenged by a non-Christian about behaviour that doesn’t match up to your professed faith?
11 The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, “What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?”
The sailors in seeing the power of God, ask the question, so what do we do to get this to stop. They are in danger of there lives, and they know the answer lies with Jonah. I think if I was in the same situation I would want to give Jonah a really good kicking. I would be furious that he had brought this on me, but they simply ask him what needs to happen, this may in part show there exhaustion, there good nature, and also the fear that hold this God they are for the first time aware of.
I wonder how we would react to the questions of the sailors, when we know that its because of us that God has sent the storm. The answer I expect would be, I will pray to God and tell him that I will do what he wants, that when we reach land I will take the next ship to Nineveh, this is the time for Jonah to face up to God, it’s the time for Jonah to finally get on his knees, and pray.
When you realise that you have done something wrong, and that everything has gone wrong as a result of it, how easy do you find it to say sorry to God?
12 “Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”
Some people (Jamieson Faust and Brown) argue that this is an indication that Jonah is a typology of the Messiah in that he offered himself up to die for his companions, and that he has now reached the stage where he has repented and is ready to face his fate. I find this explanation unlikely. At this point Jonah still has not prayed, he has still not even called on God, but believing all is lost he thinks the only way he can now escape from God and what he wants of him is if he gets of the boat and dies. Even then he hasn’t the courage to jump from the boat and save his companions; instead he tells them that they should throw him of the boat!
13 Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. 14 Then they cried to the Lord, “O Lord, please do not let us die for taking this man's life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, O Lord, have done as you pleased.”
The sailors made a valiant attempt to save Jonahs life, even with the lot having fallen to him, even knowing that he caused this to come on them all, they tried to save him, and themselves from the storm. Pro. 21.30 says that no plan of men can get in the way of God’s plan, and despite there attempt they where not successful. The sailors still don’t really know what Jonah has done, if he is someone who is innocent they don’t want to have his death on their hands, and so in throwing him over board you can understand there fear, if he hasn’t done anything wrong this God may be angry with them, and there is of course the human element of it just not being nice to have to send someone to there death! Yet the lot identified him as responsible, he is the only one who hasn’t called on his God, he has said that its this God who is angry with him, and Jonah has himself said that the only way to end the storm and save themselves is to throw him into the sea.
The sailors having seen the power of God don’t pray to there gods now, they call on the LORD, note Jonah still hasn’t called on God! Here we have a group of sailors who have effectively been converted by someone who is in a seriously bad relationship with God!
Do you know people from different religions, or no religion who behave in a way that’s more Christian than the Christians you know?
15 Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. 16 At this the men greatly feared the Lord, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows to him.
When the sailors did what they felt sure God wanted, even though they knew so little about him, the sea went calm. They where saved and there immediate response was to promise to make him a sacrifice when able to. (the Hebrew seems to refer to a vow to make a sacrifice as opposed to making a sacrifice and vows). For the sailors this encounter with God was a transforming one, which moved there loyalties from the gods they had believed in, to God. At crisis point seeing the power of God and realising that the things they believed in could not save them they put there trust in the God who had shown himself to be more powerful than anything they had ever come across.
In calming the storm God gives us a glimpse of his power, that even the sea obeys him. This makes Luke 8.24 particularly significant, when we see Jesus calming the storm we are seeing his divinity.
17 But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights.
Up until now the story of Jonah has been things we can deal with fairly easily. Believing that God asked Jonah to do something is fine, believing that he run away is fine, even believing he sent a storm is fine, but believing he was swallowed by a huge fish is really hard!
Some people have suggested that this Miracle is so hard to believe that the story of Jonah must be a parable that it can’t have actually happened. There is some difficulty with this theory though, in that if Jonah was a completely made up character it would be unlikely that we would be told his mother and fathers name. Another difficulty with this view for Christians is that Jesus appeared to view Jonah as a historical character (Mat 12.38-42; 16:4; Luke 11:29-32).
We have no great explanation of this as much have people have tried to come up with them and work out if there is a fish that could do this etc[3], what we have is a miracle. We have to choice how we react now.
Does whether or not it is biologically possible for someone to survive in the stomach of a fish effect how likely you are to believe that this happened?
We can either say the whole story of Jonah is a parable, that it’s a story to make a point and it never actually happened, or we can say some parts of the story are parable, or we say the whole story is true and God just did something miraculous that we don’t understand. Do you think Jonah was actually swallowed by a fish?
What Miracles do you find hardest to believe and why?
In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus relates the three days and night that Jonah spent in the belly of a fish to his own death and resurrection: "No sign shall be given but the sign of the prophet Jonas: for, as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly, so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth" Mat 12:3,40
[1] Meaning dove in Hebrew.
[2] Meaning “truth” or “truth-telling” in Hebrew
[3] A.J. Wilson, “The Sign of the Prophet Jonah and its Modern Confirmations.” PTR 25 (1927). pp. 630-642, suggested that a James Bartley fell into the sea while working on the whaling ship “Star of the East” in 1891 and survived for a day and night in the belly of a sperm whale which had swallowed him. The captain’s widow however stated that no sailor fell overboard during the period he was captain raising serious doubts about the account.
Jonah 1:1-2
The word of the Lord came to Jonah[1] son of Amittai[2]: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”
What is unusual about a prophet being sent to Nineveh?
Nineveh is not a city of Israel, it was built by the descendents of Ham encroaching on the territory assigned to Shem (Gen 10.5, 6,8,10,25). This is the only case of a prophet being sent to gentiles. Possibly the relationship drawn in the NT is in someway related to this. Part of the reason for sending a Prophet to gentiles in this case could be seen as shaming Israel. It took just one prophet to call on Nineveh to repent, and they did, whereas God’s people, despite all the prophets and teachers, refused to repent?
Does “its wickedness has come before me” mean that God hadn’t noticed up till then?
Gen 4:10; 6:13; 18.21 seem to suggest that a point comes where God directly intercedes because the suffering caused by someone/a nation is so great. This is not to say that God doesn’t notice until then, but that there comes a point where God directly intervenes.
3 But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.
Why Did Jonah Run Away?
Jon.4:2 tells us that Jonah did not want to go to Nineveh because he knew they would repent. Of all the prophets in the Hebrew Bible, the only one who is actually successful, whose message results in people turning their lives around is Jonah, yet Jonah was not happy about this. The people of Nineveh had made the lives of the Israelites a misery, and given the choice between them facing God’s judgment, or receiving His mercy, Jonah wants them to face His anger.
In running from God, Jonah ran from the community of God, he left Jerusalem and instead of going towards Ninevah which was the east, he went in the opposite direction to Tarshish (Tartessus) which is in Spain and to the West. This is significant because this was a place that did not know about God at all, as far as Jonah was concerned this was a place that God wasn’t at, it was a God free zone. Of course, there is nowhere that God is not present as we see in Psalm 139.
When you struggle to follow God do you try and avoid Christians? When are you tempted to run from God?
4 Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.
Sent out here literally means caused a wind to burst forth. This gives an incredible image of God throwing a wind towards the sea.
5 All the sailors were afraid and each cried out to his own god. And they threw the cargo into the sea to lighten the ship. But Jonah had gone below deck, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep.
When you think of sailors, what kind of people do you picture?
Sailors tend to be a strong, dedicated group of people who are used to working long hours. They know the sea, and are used to storms. When weather conditions turn bad its “all hands to the deck” The description we have here is of a group of sailors that is terrified, this must have been the mothers of all storms. The heathen sailors responded to this in a sensible manner, they called on their gods, and they took practical measures. They asked for help and at the same time they helped themselves. This is contrasted with Jonah, instead of trying to help Jonah goes below the deck and goes to sleep. Jesus is described as being asleep on the Sea of Galilee (Mar.4:37-39) but with Jesus we get the impression of him sleeping peacefully from a position of complete peace and security, with Jonah we get the feeling that his sleep is that of someone who has given up, someone who sees no point in trying to do anything, someone who has just curled up and accepted its all other.
6 The captain went to him and said, “How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice of us, and we will not perish.”
Such is the likelihood that the ship will sink the captain takes control of the situation by asking everyone to pray to there own gods. This is a situation where no-one is certain in his own god, no one is sure that his own gods can save him, but that they need whatever help they can get. The captain wants saving, and he doesn’t care where that comes from, any god will do! Jonah, who has the God who can save them even in the face of this disaster seeing not only his own life in danger but everyone on the ship doesn’t call on God (Psa.107:28)
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you have done something you know you shouldn’t have, and you don’t want to admit that you need help, you don’t want to give in even though you are in a terrible situation?
7 Then the sailors said to each other, “Come, let us cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity.” They cast lots and the lot fell on Jonah.
Lots where often used as a method for finding out what God wanted (Pro.16:33) even in Acts 1.26 we see the disciples after praying, casting lots to decide who should join the disciples as one of twelve. In this case, the lots where right in identifying Jonah as the root cause of the danger they where in.
Is this a valid method for finding out what God wants? Should we use this method in choosing church leaders today?
8 So they asked him, “Tell us, who is responsible for making all this trouble for us? What do you do? Where do you come from? What is your country? From what people are you?”
9 He answered, “I am a Hebrew and I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land.”
It can’t have come as a shock to the sailors that the lot fell to Jonah. Jonah was the only one who didn’t call out to his god, understandably they want to know who it is who has managed to anger the gods so much that they are all facing death. Jonah’s answer is that he is a Hebrew, and that the God he worships is not like the gods they have. The gods that people had where normally responsible for a small area, so a separate god of sea, land, heaven, wine, dance, etc. Jonahs answer is that his God is the God of heaven, he is in charge, in control of everything that exists in the heavenlys, and he created everything that is physical, he is God of sea and of Land. This is a huge claim, and one which would seem ridiculous to the sailors, if it wasn’t for the fact that they where facing death, they had not received an answer from any of the gods they had put there trust in, and by casting lots they knew that this man had upset a god.
10 This terrified them and they asked, “What have you done?” (They knew he was running away from the Lord, because he had already told them so.)
The sailors don’t worship the same God as Jonah, but they know that Jonah must have messed up seriously to have brought about this state of affairs. As Christians we sometimes find ourselves challenged by non Christians, with the line “Call yourself a Christian”. That statement is one that says, what you say you believe doesn’t match up to how you are behaving. This is the situation that Jonah finds himself in, there is a group of people who did not know about his God, but on seeing how powerful he is are sure they would not be stupid enough to do anything to upset such a God. This is a rhetorical question, they already know he has run from God, and they are saying what are you playing at, why on earth would you do such a thing?
Have you ever found yourself challenged by a non-Christian about behaviour that doesn’t match up to your professed faith?
11 The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, “What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?”
The sailors in seeing the power of God, ask the question, so what do we do to get this to stop. They are in danger of there lives, and they know the answer lies with Jonah. I think if I was in the same situation I would want to give Jonah a really good kicking. I would be furious that he had brought this on me, but they simply ask him what needs to happen, this may in part show there exhaustion, there good nature, and also the fear that hold this God they are for the first time aware of.
I wonder how we would react to the questions of the sailors, when we know that its because of us that God has sent the storm. The answer I expect would be, I will pray to God and tell him that I will do what he wants, that when we reach land I will take the next ship to Nineveh, this is the time for Jonah to face up to God, it’s the time for Jonah to finally get on his knees, and pray.
When you realise that you have done something wrong, and that everything has gone wrong as a result of it, how easy do you find it to say sorry to God?
12 “Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”
Some people (Jamieson Faust and Brown) argue that this is an indication that Jonah is a typology of the Messiah in that he offered himself up to die for his companions, and that he has now reached the stage where he has repented and is ready to face his fate. I find this explanation unlikely. At this point Jonah still has not prayed, he has still not even called on God, but believing all is lost he thinks the only way he can now escape from God and what he wants of him is if he gets of the boat and dies. Even then he hasn’t the courage to jump from the boat and save his companions; instead he tells them that they should throw him of the boat!
13 Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. 14 Then they cried to the Lord, “O Lord, please do not let us die for taking this man's life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, O Lord, have done as you pleased.”
The sailors made a valiant attempt to save Jonahs life, even with the lot having fallen to him, even knowing that he caused this to come on them all, they tried to save him, and themselves from the storm. Pro. 21.30 says that no plan of men can get in the way of God’s plan, and despite there attempt they where not successful. The sailors still don’t really know what Jonah has done, if he is someone who is innocent they don’t want to have his death on their hands, and so in throwing him over board you can understand there fear, if he hasn’t done anything wrong this God may be angry with them, and there is of course the human element of it just not being nice to have to send someone to there death! Yet the lot identified him as responsible, he is the only one who hasn’t called on his God, he has said that its this God who is angry with him, and Jonah has himself said that the only way to end the storm and save themselves is to throw him into the sea.
The sailors having seen the power of God don’t pray to there gods now, they call on the LORD, note Jonah still hasn’t called on God! Here we have a group of sailors who have effectively been converted by someone who is in a seriously bad relationship with God!
Do you know people from different religions, or no religion who behave in a way that’s more Christian than the Christians you know?
15 Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. 16 At this the men greatly feared the Lord, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows to him.
When the sailors did what they felt sure God wanted, even though they knew so little about him, the sea went calm. They where saved and there immediate response was to promise to make him a sacrifice when able to. (the Hebrew seems to refer to a vow to make a sacrifice as opposed to making a sacrifice and vows). For the sailors this encounter with God was a transforming one, which moved there loyalties from the gods they had believed in, to God. At crisis point seeing the power of God and realising that the things they believed in could not save them they put there trust in the God who had shown himself to be more powerful than anything they had ever come across.
In calming the storm God gives us a glimpse of his power, that even the sea obeys him. This makes Luke 8.24 particularly significant, when we see Jesus calming the storm we are seeing his divinity.
17 But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights.
Up until now the story of Jonah has been things we can deal with fairly easily. Believing that God asked Jonah to do something is fine, believing that he run away is fine, even believing he sent a storm is fine, but believing he was swallowed by a huge fish is really hard!
Some people have suggested that this Miracle is so hard to believe that the story of Jonah must be a parable that it can’t have actually happened. There is some difficulty with this theory though, in that if Jonah was a completely made up character it would be unlikely that we would be told his mother and fathers name. Another difficulty with this view for Christians is that Jesus appeared to view Jonah as a historical character (Mat 12.38-42; 16:4; Luke 11:29-32).
We have no great explanation of this as much have people have tried to come up with them and work out if there is a fish that could do this etc[3], what we have is a miracle. We have to choice how we react now.
Does whether or not it is biologically possible for someone to survive in the stomach of a fish effect how likely you are to believe that this happened?
We can either say the whole story of Jonah is a parable, that it’s a story to make a point and it never actually happened, or we can say some parts of the story are parable, or we say the whole story is true and God just did something miraculous that we don’t understand. Do you think Jonah was actually swallowed by a fish?
What Miracles do you find hardest to believe and why?
In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus relates the three days and night that Jonah spent in the belly of a fish to his own death and resurrection: "No sign shall be given but the sign of the prophet Jonas: for, as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly, so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth" Mat 12:3,40
[1] Meaning dove in Hebrew.
[2] Meaning “truth” or “truth-telling” in Hebrew
[3] A.J. Wilson, “The Sign of the Prophet Jonah and its Modern Confirmations.” PTR 25 (1927). pp. 630-642, suggested that a James Bartley fell into the sea while working on the whaling ship “Star of the East” in 1891 and survived for a day and night in the belly of a sperm whale which had swallowed him. The captain’s widow however stated that no sailor fell overboard during the period he was captain raising serious doubts about the account.
Jonah
Well I warned you, I gave you a chance to turn away..but you looked anyway. If you hate the idea of reading a bible study then run, run away now. But please do come back, I will only be posting studies on a Saturday. If you can bring yourself to stay, then please read on, and let me know your thoughts.
I relate to Jonah, he seems my kind of a man, with a father who was a sea fairer, who’s eyes seem to reflect the sea, and now lays in the deep the tail of Jonah seems as good as any place to begin.
JONAH RETOLD
We are told that the word of the Lord came to Jonah. We are never completely sure how it came to him, but for a moment we can imagine Jonah sitting down for his morning coffee, and a letter arriving, the postmark is Heaven, and the envelope shimmers in the morning light, the envelope is delivered by the Angelic Postal Service, who are making full use of their trumpets. Jonah opens the envelope and slowly reads the instructions; they are crystal clear, “Go to
Jonah’s response is swift, he packs his bags, and leaves the house, he goes to the port and takes the first boat he can in the opposite direction, he wants nothing to do with this. There is no way on this earth that he is going to the Ninevites, one of two things would happen if he went there; either they would kill him, or worse still they would repent and God would not wipe them out. Far better to leave them to it. Jonah thinks carefully about where to go, and settles on Tarshish, a place where the people haven’t even heard of God, clearly a safe place to go where God won’t find him. Jonah finds a boat, pays the fee and jumps on board.
Out at sea Jonah is feeling rather pleased with himself. Sure, he has turned his back on God but he has escaped a job which was never going to turn out well. God, however, had other plans, and hurled across the sea a huge wind as if skimming a stone across a lake. The sea exploded into the mother of all storms; the hardened sailors are chucking up, and are all crying for their mothers. They are praying to their gods, to each other’s gods, to every god anyone has ever heard of. Jonah knows exactly what needs to be done - he finds a corner curls up, pulls the covers over his head and goes to sleep. He could not have been clearer in his message to God if he had stuck his fingers in his ears and shouted “I’m not listening”.
The captain of the ship is organising; shouting out orders. The cargo is being thrown overboard to lighten the ship, and in amongst the storm and the chaos he notices that Jonah is curled up asleep. He is absolutely stunned, he shakes him, wakes him and says to him, “What on earth are you playing at? Don’t you see we are all going to die! Call on your god! Who knows he might be listening, he might save us!” The storm keeps getting worse, no one has ever seen weather this bad, and they know that this is more than a freak of nature; this is a god who is very, very unhappy. So the captain says, “Right, let’s find out who has upset the gods!” They ask the gods to reveal who it is who they are angry with and they each pick a straw, whoever picks the short straw will be the one that the gods are angry with.
It doesn’t come as a shock to anyone when Jonah picks the short straw. He is the only one who hasn’t even called on his god for help; so the sailors ask him who he, what god it is that he has upset, and how. Jonah replies to them the he is a Hebrew and that his God is the God of everything, the creator of the Heavens, of earth and Sea, He is the God above all gods - and then he tells them that he is running from this God! The sailors are stunned. If they were scared before, now they are petrified, they ask him what his God will require to stop the storm and spare them.
Jonah could have answered “Get on your knees with me and pray”, he could have answered “I will cry out to God and ask Him to forgive me”, but instead Jonah said “He wants me, not you. Throw me in the sea, get me of the boat and God will leave you alone.” Instead of asking for forgiveness Jonah just wishes he was dead. The sailors do all they can to save the ship, to save the lives of those who are on board, but when it’s clear that there is no choice they cry out to the God of Jonah, they cry out to him and say, “We have tried everything, but you say this is who has made you angry, that this is what you want? We will throw him to the sea but we do this only because its what you have shown us you want, please don’t hold his death against us” and with that, they hurl him into the deep.
Almost as soon as Jonah has vanished under the waves the storm melts away, the sea becomes calm, the clouds clear, letting light stream onto the sailors’ faces. If the sailors were not convinced beforethat Jonah’s God was the one who sent the storm, they were now; they fell to their knees and prayed, they thanked God for saving them and vowed to follow Him for the rest of their lives, they pledged sacrifices to him and abandoned the carved gods that failed to save them.
Meanwhile in the ocean deep, God sent a fish of gigantic proportions who opened his mouth wide and swallowed Jonah whole, saving him from death but providing accommodation that did not suit his tastes. For three days and for three nights Jonah stayed in the dark belly of the fish as the fish made his way across the ocean towards land.
So begins the tale of Jonah….
Friday, 27 June 2008
Oh Baby
Okay the idea about the elephant jokes was barking. Forget it. Scrap it. Ignore it. Move on. I guess I was trying to say – look its not all black, and its not. I have been know to skip down the street, sure I get funny looks, but I cant walk past a puddle, I have to jump in it. I thought putting a joke in each entry might lighten the mood, but I am already bored of the idea.
Sitting up late last night I started to think about my as yet unborn baby. Well I say started, unsurprisingly having a baby dominates my thoughts, every time I see a child in the street, I look it up and down and think, "how would I cope if that was my child" With loud ones, screaming, swearing and being obnoxious, I generally think "not well". With others I think "yes, I can do this" – I then realise that staring at passing children can be viewed not as a future parent assessing and thinking about what parenting will be like, but as someone about to abduct someone). I have a friend with four kids; while they where local I found myself more and more drawn into their lives. I can't begin to say how much I wished I was their dad, and how broken-hearted I was when they moved away, particually as at the time I thought I would never have a child of my own. With miles separating us now I still speak to them on the phone and exchange emails, but I feel gutted that they are growing up without me being able to be a part of their lives. Okay, I sound like a nutter…moving on.
The real question is…What if I lose it? Or if, wearing a sling, I pour coffee on it. Or I drop it. Teenagers I can cope with. 5 year olds I think I am okay with. But a baby???? I am not good at remembering things. I am really not, I have walked home from places before now having forgotten that I drove; my wife has got home and said to me, "where's the car gone?". With a car that’s fine..with a baby.. And what if I don’t like it? What if it hates me. I know you are not meant to think this stuff, but I have seen some people's kids and thought, "my goodness, its ugly!". It hasn’t generated in me that gush of affection that seems to be so readily displayed by women who pass babies from person to person and coo. In such situations I sit some distance away, and read a book.
I spend my spare time (what there is of it) looking at journals, exploring risks, trying to work out how to be a good dad. I know it doesn’t all come from books, but books are what I understand. I think of holding my baby in my arms for the first time and find myself crying. I feel so utterly incapable of being the father I will need to be.
My role model was not great, its true. My father was a drinker, and was a fan of “play fighting” to toughen us up. He was away at sea for long periods of time, and my parents eventually divorced when I was only nine years old, my mother feeling it was at a stage where it was to dangerous not to. Whe I had just turned 16, I decided I didn’t want my father in my life anymore, that I would stop seeing him, but before I had a chance to announce this to him, I got a call saying he had cancer. I kept seeing him, visited him as he died, and grieved when he did, yet I want to offer my child so much more.
I don’t want to imply that my father was all bad, he had so much good in him. He had eyes the colour of the ocean that sparkled when he was happy, he was a great story teller, and he had something of the eternal Peter Pan about him, which had both positives and negatives. I know the theory, we have God as our father, our role model – well, yes, all well and good, but he isn’t going to help show me how to put a nappies on a child.
So confession time yet again – I seem to be doing a lot of that – I smoke. I am appalled at myself, I have a pregnant wife, I lost my own father to cancer, and yet I smoke.I am trying to quit, have been for years though, and its not going well. I don’t smoke in the house, I don’t smoke around my wife, but I know its killing me. I know that if I still smoke by the time the baby is born that even holding it will put it in danger, and knowing this, knowing what a failure I am every time I light a cigarette, makes me feel terrible, so terrible in fact that I really want a smoke…each evening my wife asks me how I have done with kicking the habit and I look down unable to meet her gaze.
Just one more day? Just till the end of the packet..and then, dear reader, I will stub it out…I will…i am trying..but as ever, I remain,
The Broken Man.
Sitting up late last night I started to think about my as yet unborn baby. Well I say started, unsurprisingly having a baby dominates my thoughts, every time I see a child in the street, I look it up and down and think, "how would I cope if that was my child" With loud ones, screaming, swearing and being obnoxious, I generally think "not well". With others I think "yes, I can do this" – I then realise that staring at passing children can be viewed not as a future parent assessing and thinking about what parenting will be like, but as someone about to abduct someone). I have a friend with four kids; while they where local I found myself more and more drawn into their lives. I can't begin to say how much I wished I was their dad, and how broken-hearted I was when they moved away, particually as at the time I thought I would never have a child of my own. With miles separating us now I still speak to them on the phone and exchange emails, but I feel gutted that they are growing up without me being able to be a part of their lives. Okay, I sound like a nutter…moving on.
The real question is…What if I lose it? Or if, wearing a sling, I pour coffee on it. Or I drop it. Teenagers I can cope with. 5 year olds I think I am okay with. But a baby???? I am not good at remembering things. I am really not, I have walked home from places before now having forgotten that I drove; my wife has got home and said to me, "where's the car gone?". With a car that’s fine..with a baby.. And what if I don’t like it? What if it hates me. I know you are not meant to think this stuff, but I have seen some people's kids and thought, "my goodness, its ugly!". It hasn’t generated in me that gush of affection that seems to be so readily displayed by women who pass babies from person to person and coo. In such situations I sit some distance away, and read a book.
I spend my spare time (what there is of it) looking at journals, exploring risks, trying to work out how to be a good dad. I know it doesn’t all come from books, but books are what I understand. I think of holding my baby in my arms for the first time and find myself crying. I feel so utterly incapable of being the father I will need to be.
My role model was not great, its true. My father was a drinker, and was a fan of “play fighting” to toughen us up. He was away at sea for long periods of time, and my parents eventually divorced when I was only nine years old, my mother feeling it was at a stage where it was to dangerous not to. Whe I had just turned 16, I decided I didn’t want my father in my life anymore, that I would stop seeing him, but before I had a chance to announce this to him, I got a call saying he had cancer. I kept seeing him, visited him as he died, and grieved when he did, yet I want to offer my child so much more.
I don’t want to imply that my father was all bad, he had so much good in him. He had eyes the colour of the ocean that sparkled when he was happy, he was a great story teller, and he had something of the eternal Peter Pan about him, which had both positives and negatives. I know the theory, we have God as our father, our role model – well, yes, all well and good, but he isn’t going to help show me how to put a nappies on a child.
So confession time yet again – I seem to be doing a lot of that – I smoke. I am appalled at myself, I have a pregnant wife, I lost my own father to cancer, and yet I smoke.I am trying to quit, have been for years though, and its not going well. I don’t smoke in the house, I don’t smoke around my wife, but I know its killing me. I know that if I still smoke by the time the baby is born that even holding it will put it in danger, and knowing this, knowing what a failure I am every time I light a cigarette, makes me feel terrible, so terrible in fact that I really want a smoke…each evening my wife asks me how I have done with kicking the habit and I look down unable to meet her gaze.
Just one more day? Just till the end of the packet..and then, dear reader, I will stub it out…I will…i am trying..but as ever, I remain,
The Broken Man.
It's an Elephant.....
I fear the time has come for me to share with you a guilty secret.
I am a fan of elephant jokes. Please don’t now all send me your elephant jokes, I have heard them. Unless of course I haven't. In which case I would love to hear them.. "so", I hear you ask, with a sense of terror, a shaking in your voice, "how will we know if you know the same elephant joke we do…"
It may now be time to pass over this blog, to ignore this entry right now – you have been warned. I am going to post all the elephant jokes here in this one entry, I toyed with one per entry.. but that would seem to be a long and drawn out, painful, slow, water torture...…wait a minute, that’s not a bad idea! I am pleased you suggested it. One joke a blog. Well not so much a joke.. but one elephant related attempt at humour.
Well I tried to save you, tried to protect you, but you insisted. It will be as you have asked…
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, here come the elephants!"
I am a fan of elephant jokes. Please don’t now all send me your elephant jokes, I have heard them. Unless of course I haven't. In which case I would love to hear them.. "so", I hear you ask, with a sense of terror, a shaking in your voice, "how will we know if you know the same elephant joke we do…"
It may now be time to pass over this blog, to ignore this entry right now – you have been warned. I am going to post all the elephant jokes here in this one entry, I toyed with one per entry.. but that would seem to be a long and drawn out, painful, slow, water torture...…wait a minute, that’s not a bad idea! I am pleased you suggested it. One joke a blog. Well not so much a joke.. but one elephant related attempt at humour.
Well I tried to save you, tried to protect you, but you insisted. It will be as you have asked…
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, here come the elephants!"
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Studying?
It seems that some of the people reading this blog are Christians; as I have mentioned I begin studying in September for ordination. As a vicar I will be required to both preach and prepare Bible Studies, and so I thought I would try some out on you, my hapless readers, if that’s okay?
Now being an interactive type I don’t want to post very long rambling Bible Studies that are of no interest to anyone but me; the plan is that we get interactive, that you tell me why what I am saying is wrong, that you take on the role of my guide. Maybe we could have a look at some of the questions together and have some discussion. It’s written that a friend sharpens a friend like iron sharpens iron. That’s the plan. So how do you want to do this? Do you want to do this at all? Its okay – I can take a "no" – I can handle it – I can – I won't cry – honest.
Studies I have recently tried writing are: Jonah, The Samaritan and the Theologian (aka the Good Samaritan), a character study of Joseph (father of Jesus), and The Circumcision of Jesus. Maybe we could take one of those, I could post part of it once a week, and we could go through it together. I'd love some new thoughts on them. If you have any friends who might have an opinion too, please invite them to pull up a chair - the more, the merrier.
So then folks – which one do you fancy? Do you like the idea at all? If you hate the idea of me posting this stuff do let me know. (I am more than happy to stick with just rambling on about my life). If you would be prepared to have a look at some studies with me, then please let me know that too.
The Broken Man
Now being an interactive type I don’t want to post very long rambling Bible Studies that are of no interest to anyone but me; the plan is that we get interactive, that you tell me why what I am saying is wrong, that you take on the role of my guide. Maybe we could have a look at some of the questions together and have some discussion. It’s written that a friend sharpens a friend like iron sharpens iron. That’s the plan. So how do you want to do this? Do you want to do this at all? Its okay – I can take a "no" – I can handle it – I can – I won't cry – honest.
Studies I have recently tried writing are: Jonah, The Samaritan and the Theologian (aka the Good Samaritan), a character study of Joseph (father of Jesus), and The Circumcision of Jesus. Maybe we could take one of those, I could post part of it once a week, and we could go through it together. I'd love some new thoughts on them. If you have any friends who might have an opinion too, please invite them to pull up a chair - the more, the merrier.
So then folks – which one do you fancy? Do you like the idea at all? If you hate the idea of me posting this stuff do let me know. (I am more than happy to stick with just rambling on about my life). If you would be prepared to have a look at some studies with me, then please let me know that too.
The Broken Man
Dress To Impress
Let me first of all say how grateful I am for all the comments I have had. I won’t bore you with all the comments about feeling less alone in the world, but please do take it as read.
This evening was spent sorting through my wife’s wardrobe with her and putting away the clothes that won’t be needed till after the baby is born. This clear-out is partly increased in urgency by trying to get our flat ready to sell. I know, I know, this is the worse time in the world to sell, and I am in negative equity, but I am sure I will explain all that another time. Back to my wife’s wardrobe; It is now empty. Every part of “man” in me wants to say, "It’s not a problem! Lets hit the shops, don’t worry about a thing”. Yet there is not money in the bank. In fact…. well, there are a lot of negative figures. So instead it will be a case of “lets hit the charity shops”. Now I know it’s just a pride thing, that it doesn’t matter, that it’s just clothes, but I worry about what future I will be providing for my wife and baby.
Each night as we curl up to sleep I wrap my arm around my wife’s ever expanding stomach and say “Night baby”. I know it’s ridiculous, I know my baby cannot hear yet, but every part of me wishes the best for my wife and baby. I spent so much of my life wishing I wasn’t alive, and a fair bit of it trying to make a speedy exit and yet now there is a light, and sometimes it still feels like such hard work to struggle on, to get through to the next day.
That sounds very down, very low, and I don’t mean it to be. I am blessed, more than I could ever hope for; a baby when I thought it would never happen, a wonderful wife, being told I can train as a priest! Now that is a miracle! There is no way I would accept me for training, and I only finally put myself forward as I felt that they would say “no” and that would be that. I have felt I should be doing it for a long, long time, but I never expected anyone else to agree. Yet with the flat in negative equity and me needing to be debt free to be a vicar I can’t see how it will ever be possible. I know I need to trust, really I do, but sometimes it just seems so hard. Sorry, down again! Well, I warned you – this is the blog of a broken man.
This evening was spent sorting through my wife’s wardrobe with her and putting away the clothes that won’t be needed till after the baby is born. This clear-out is partly increased in urgency by trying to get our flat ready to sell. I know, I know, this is the worse time in the world to sell, and I am in negative equity, but I am sure I will explain all that another time. Back to my wife’s wardrobe; It is now empty. Every part of “man” in me wants to say, "It’s not a problem! Lets hit the shops, don’t worry about a thing”. Yet there is not money in the bank. In fact…. well, there are a lot of negative figures. So instead it will be a case of “lets hit the charity shops”. Now I know it’s just a pride thing, that it doesn’t matter, that it’s just clothes, but I worry about what future I will be providing for my wife and baby.
Each night as we curl up to sleep I wrap my arm around my wife’s ever expanding stomach and say “Night baby”. I know it’s ridiculous, I know my baby cannot hear yet, but every part of me wishes the best for my wife and baby. I spent so much of my life wishing I wasn’t alive, and a fair bit of it trying to make a speedy exit and yet now there is a light, and sometimes it still feels like such hard work to struggle on, to get through to the next day.
That sounds very down, very low, and I don’t mean it to be. I am blessed, more than I could ever hope for; a baby when I thought it would never happen, a wonderful wife, being told I can train as a priest! Now that is a miracle! There is no way I would accept me for training, and I only finally put myself forward as I felt that they would say “no” and that would be that. I have felt I should be doing it for a long, long time, but I never expected anyone else to agree. Yet with the flat in negative equity and me needing to be debt free to be a vicar I can’t see how it will ever be possible. I know I need to trust, really I do, but sometimes it just seems so hard. Sorry, down again! Well, I warned you – this is the blog of a broken man.
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Boy or a Girl..
My wife has no desire to know the gender of our baby before it's born; she views it as a reward that will help her through the end of labour, a surprise we should wait for. I, however, am a man, and a man who struggles extraordinarily to get my desire for instant gratification in check. I still don’t go to bed on the night before my birthday till gone midnight, in the hope that I will be able to convince my long-suffering wife that as it is *technically* my birthday I should be allowed to open a present.
I have never been good at waiting, but I do like surprises. If I tear open all my presents before I go to sleep, in the morning I will wake up disappointed that I have already had the excitement. My wife has agreed, that if I am confident that I can not let it slip, she doesn’t mind me knowing the gender of the baby first. The difficulty with this is that of course I would let it slip, I wouldn’t be able to help it. I have a pathological desire to tell the world everything; as is evidenced by this blog, I don’t do secrets. How I will cope as a priest if ever anyone wants to confess to me something truly juicy I have no idea. Don’t get me wrong, I will manage it, but we all know the whole point of knowing something is telling people.. Sorry I got carried away there for a minute…yes baby gender…
People ask from time to time, do you want a boy or girl? Now don’t get me wrong, I know the right answer. Everyone knows the right answer. “as long as its healthy…” You see the problem is, I am not worried about the baby's health. If we have a baby with serious medical problems, I can cope with that (this may come back to haunt me) but when I look at baby clothes, and children’s clothes I am always drawn to dresses and the like. I WANT A GIRL. Okay I have said it. I know that in the world of pregnancy this statement is a cardinal sin, I know you hate me…that’s okay, I can live with that, but, come on, girls are just cuter! I will be fine if we have a boy, it will be great, but part of my desire to know the gender now, is so that if it’s a boy my first thought won't be "..oh that’s a shame". Now sure my first thought will probably be "wow it’s a baby. Bet that stung…oh yes that’s going to smart in the morning" (apparently these are not the comforting comments one is allowed to make to a wife in labour).
Faced with this dilemma, I have decided to do the sensible thing, I am trusting that some fatherly parenting gene will kick in with the baby's first cry and I won't care what the baby's gender is when its born, so I have agreed with the wife..we will wait and see. So, come on dads-to-be, and dads already, be honest…did you/do you have preference, and did it matter when baby was born?
I have never been good at waiting, but I do like surprises. If I tear open all my presents before I go to sleep, in the morning I will wake up disappointed that I have already had the excitement. My wife has agreed, that if I am confident that I can not let it slip, she doesn’t mind me knowing the gender of the baby first. The difficulty with this is that of course I would let it slip, I wouldn’t be able to help it. I have a pathological desire to tell the world everything; as is evidenced by this blog, I don’t do secrets. How I will cope as a priest if ever anyone wants to confess to me something truly juicy I have no idea. Don’t get me wrong, I will manage it, but we all know the whole point of knowing something is telling people.. Sorry I got carried away there for a minute…yes baby gender…
People ask from time to time, do you want a boy or girl? Now don’t get me wrong, I know the right answer. Everyone knows the right answer. “as long as its healthy…” You see the problem is, I am not worried about the baby's health. If we have a baby with serious medical problems, I can cope with that (this may come back to haunt me) but when I look at baby clothes, and children’s clothes I am always drawn to dresses and the like. I WANT A GIRL. Okay I have said it. I know that in the world of pregnancy this statement is a cardinal sin, I know you hate me…that’s okay, I can live with that, but, come on, girls are just cuter! I will be fine if we have a boy, it will be great, but part of my desire to know the gender now, is so that if it’s a boy my first thought won't be "..oh that’s a shame". Now sure my first thought will probably be "wow it’s a baby. Bet that stung…oh yes that’s going to smart in the morning" (apparently these are not the comforting comments one is allowed to make to a wife in labour).
Faced with this dilemma, I have decided to do the sensible thing, I am trusting that some fatherly parenting gene will kick in with the baby's first cry and I won't care what the baby's gender is when its born, so I have agreed with the wife..we will wait and see. So, come on dads-to-be, and dads already, be honest…did you/do you have preference, and did it matter when baby was born?
The Blog of a Broken Man
So why a broken man? It seems a fair starting question. My life history is a messy business and seems a bit unfriendly to begin my tale with woe; if you find this page of interest, then I am sure we will get to know each other as time goes on, but at least a little explanation seems only right.
My life has contained much in the way of disaster. I can not claim more than others, however; the experinces I have had now seem common place. The loss of a brother to heroin, the loss of a wife to another man, money…ahh, now there is an issue..but I am sure we will come onto that in time.
I have lived through some dark times, as Morrissey once sang, "the things I have seen could make a good man turn bad". My story is not one of someone turned black by the world, however. As this page is black and my writing shines out bright and white, so it is with my life. It is written that those living in darkness have seen a great light, and that is my story. While I am broken, a cracked pot as the expression goes, shines light through those cracks.
As by now I am sure you will have guessed, I am a Christian. It’s a phrase that doesn’t easily roll of my tongue, in honesty; in England Christians have a bit of a bad name, they are associated with hypocrisy, and mediocrity. Faith is something that goes on behind closed doors, and what goes on in churches often seems unrelated to a belief in the Divine. My belief is in a God who is whiter than white, whot blasts away the most impressive advert for a new cleaning powder, I believe in a God who shines and expels darkness, who takes our brokenness, who takes all that has ever gone wrong, all that we have ever done and thought, and transforms it into something beautiful. Strength comes not from this broken husk, but from the God who breathes life into dry bones.
So this blog, this journal, if you care to follow it, will be the story of a broken man, hopefully, bit by bit, made more whole. When writing something like this one wonders who will read it, who will care about the ramblings of a stranger on the other side of the globe, so if you chance upon this page do introduce yourself, let me know that you popped by.
You have a right to wonder what you will find if you where to draw up a seat next to the fire on a regular basis, if you make this a point of departure in your busy day. Who’s life will be laid before you? Well, I am a 32 year old man, married to a wonderful women who is now 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have been accepted for training for ordination as a priest, but whether or not I can become a priest depends on whether I am able to clear debts accrued through negative equity. I will keep you posted as to how that goes, and will, undoubtedly, write about life as a father-to-be and my training. It’s a pleasure to meet you..I hope you enjoy your stay.
I think that is more than enough of an introduction, time to get down to the business at hand.
ENTRY ONE
Today my wife is 16 weeks and one day pregnant with our first child. It took five years for her to become pregnant, and we had given up hope. We had looked into infertility treatment, into the options available and felt unable to go down that road. The creation of embryos outside the womb, and the “disposal” of those not required seemed a step too far. A step into a world where we would prefer to leave God firmly in charge. So we prayed the prayers of the Bible and cried out as so many have before for a child. When my wife fell pregnant someone asked her, “Was it a miracle?”
It’s a good question. To answer "yes" seems to suggest that those who recieve no apparent answer, or a "no", have somehow been neglected by God but to say "no", seems to deny God’s hand in it. When I sit and think about it, I am certain that every birth, every pregnancy, every breath we take is a miracle, a gift which should be cherished, which we should take with gratitude. Is my wife’s pregnancy more of a miracle than me being able to open my eyes this morning? The only difference seems to be that I don’t often pray that I will wake up in the morning. We are surrounded by miracles, we just fail to see them for what they are. So yes, my wife being pregnant is a mircle, and one that I will thank God for every day of my life.
I can not begin to express how happy I am that she is pregnent, that we will be parents, that I will be a father. I wonder what kind of a father I will be, and confess I am worried, worried about all the mistakes I am sure I will make. Even now we discuss in every detail how we would like to bring up our child, even now I feel a twinge of panic about my inability. Hence, again, I come back to the statement that I am a broken man, made of clay. I try to remind myself it's not through what I can do, through my abilities, my skills – my roguish good looks (well, ok, I don’t have roguish good looks!) that God will work, it's through the cracks, the acknowledgments of my incapability that God can work. Its only when I say, "okay God, this is in your hands" instead of trying to do it all myself that God really gets a chance to work.
One of the things I love about God is that He is a gentlemen, this is not to imply that God is exclusively male, but rather that God has manners. God gets involved in the areas of our life we open him up to, not in the areas we lock away. The areas we lock away or try to, that’s where we have the trouble..
My lunch break is reaching an end, so I will end it there. Its been a pleasure, see you tomorrow?
A Broken Man
My life has contained much in the way of disaster. I can not claim more than others, however; the experinces I have had now seem common place. The loss of a brother to heroin, the loss of a wife to another man, money…ahh, now there is an issue..but I am sure we will come onto that in time.
I have lived through some dark times, as Morrissey once sang, "the things I have seen could make a good man turn bad". My story is not one of someone turned black by the world, however. As this page is black and my writing shines out bright and white, so it is with my life. It is written that those living in darkness have seen a great light, and that is my story. While I am broken, a cracked pot as the expression goes, shines light through those cracks.
As by now I am sure you will have guessed, I am a Christian. It’s a phrase that doesn’t easily roll of my tongue, in honesty; in England Christians have a bit of a bad name, they are associated with hypocrisy, and mediocrity. Faith is something that goes on behind closed doors, and what goes on in churches often seems unrelated to a belief in the Divine. My belief is in a God who is whiter than white, whot blasts away the most impressive advert for a new cleaning powder, I believe in a God who shines and expels darkness, who takes our brokenness, who takes all that has ever gone wrong, all that we have ever done and thought, and transforms it into something beautiful. Strength comes not from this broken husk, but from the God who breathes life into dry bones.
So this blog, this journal, if you care to follow it, will be the story of a broken man, hopefully, bit by bit, made more whole. When writing something like this one wonders who will read it, who will care about the ramblings of a stranger on the other side of the globe, so if you chance upon this page do introduce yourself, let me know that you popped by.
You have a right to wonder what you will find if you where to draw up a seat next to the fire on a regular basis, if you make this a point of departure in your busy day. Who’s life will be laid before you? Well, I am a 32 year old man, married to a wonderful women who is now 16 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have been accepted for training for ordination as a priest, but whether or not I can become a priest depends on whether I am able to clear debts accrued through negative equity. I will keep you posted as to how that goes, and will, undoubtedly, write about life as a father-to-be and my training. It’s a pleasure to meet you..I hope you enjoy your stay.
I think that is more than enough of an introduction, time to get down to the business at hand.
ENTRY ONE
Today my wife is 16 weeks and one day pregnant with our first child. It took five years for her to become pregnant, and we had given up hope. We had looked into infertility treatment, into the options available and felt unable to go down that road. The creation of embryos outside the womb, and the “disposal” of those not required seemed a step too far. A step into a world where we would prefer to leave God firmly in charge. So we prayed the prayers of the Bible and cried out as so many have before for a child. When my wife fell pregnant someone asked her, “Was it a miracle?”
It’s a good question. To answer "yes" seems to suggest that those who recieve no apparent answer, or a "no", have somehow been neglected by God but to say "no", seems to deny God’s hand in it. When I sit and think about it, I am certain that every birth, every pregnancy, every breath we take is a miracle, a gift which should be cherished, which we should take with gratitude. Is my wife’s pregnancy more of a miracle than me being able to open my eyes this morning? The only difference seems to be that I don’t often pray that I will wake up in the morning. We are surrounded by miracles, we just fail to see them for what they are. So yes, my wife being pregnant is a mircle, and one that I will thank God for every day of my life.
I can not begin to express how happy I am that she is pregnent, that we will be parents, that I will be a father. I wonder what kind of a father I will be, and confess I am worried, worried about all the mistakes I am sure I will make. Even now we discuss in every detail how we would like to bring up our child, even now I feel a twinge of panic about my inability. Hence, again, I come back to the statement that I am a broken man, made of clay. I try to remind myself it's not through what I can do, through my abilities, my skills – my roguish good looks (well, ok, I don’t have roguish good looks!) that God will work, it's through the cracks, the acknowledgments of my incapability that God can work. Its only when I say, "okay God, this is in your hands" instead of trying to do it all myself that God really gets a chance to work.
One of the things I love about God is that He is a gentlemen, this is not to imply that God is exclusively male, but rather that God has manners. God gets involved in the areas of our life we open him up to, not in the areas we lock away. The areas we lock away or try to, that’s where we have the trouble..
My lunch break is reaching an end, so I will end it there. Its been a pleasure, see you tomorrow?
A Broken Man
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