Lists

The attempt to get the flat ready for sale has begun to feel like a battle which will never be won. The flat needs painting, glossing, and de-cluttering, everything possible needs to be boxed up, and the carpets need to be sorted out. This process is one which I am not well suited to; I live surrounded by stacks of paper and things which just might come in useful one day if only I can find them. In an attempt to organise things, my long suffering wife has created a “To Do” list, where each task can be ticked off one at a time, hopefully allowing us some sense that we are moving forward.

All this housework, along with hours spent studying, is beginning to take a toll on the time we spend just relaxing, and this isn’t doing any favours to my wife’s self-esteem. As her body changes shape she worries that I have gone off her, that I am losing interest in her. This is not the case at all. For me it makes her more attractive, and makes me fall ever deeper in love. Sometimes though, feeling loved is not enough, we all want to feel desirable, yet my head is spinning - I am, as always, in a panic about money, I work long hours, I get home and spend my time clearing and cleaning, and by the time I slump in my bed all I want to do is sleep.

So, dear reader, the list is a plan; a blue-print to freedom. When the tasks on the list for any given day are done I will stop and carve out some time for cuddling on the sofa and some early nights. For any female readers out there – please believe me, in all likelihood your husband hasn’t gone off you because you are carrying his child – he is just likely to be stressed up to the eyeballs.

The stress that accompanies the forthcoming birth of a new child is not because I don’t want a child – I want to make that clear, but up to now I have been able to just go with the flow – now all the questions of what type of a parent I will make, what kind of a priest I will be, how we will survive financially; all these things jostle for place as they have compete for my attention and time.

In this, I have lost my way a little – and neglected to spend the time I should cherishing my wife. I have failed to be the husband I should. It seems ridiculous that it should take an effort, mad that I have reached a stage where I need to talk about reprioritising to make sure that I have time to spend with my wife, but I will build a wall around us, brick by brick if I must, I will find a way to carve out time from the middle of all this busyness, in which, behind closed doors, we can have some time for just us.

*hangs do not disturb sign on door*

Yours as always,

A Broken Man