going under..

There is much news, and few posts from me. It seems that having this blog on open access has created a few issues for me now my name is attached to it. so i will be moving my blog back to the world on the anonymous - when i have got this set up i will come and find you all, let you know i am still around - and let you know where to look.

If you would like directions to my new home please post a reply here and i will send you a message letting you know where you can find news as soon as the new blog is up and running.

Happy Birthday, the dead, and money again

Tonight is all souls, the day in the church calendar when we remember the dead, and today my mind wonders as ever to my brother and father both long since dead. I don't think i want to say a lot about just that i feel emotional. Tomorrow is my birthday but i feel distinctly unexcited about it particularly having checked the state of the bank account. We are down to £30 till the end of December. This isn't as bad as it sounds as we are due money from the ministry division however, that money is yet to materialise so i think it will be dried bread and dripping this year!

From the Libary

Things have been rocky starting at Westcot, a new collage, a new part of the country for me, settling in, working out how my course is going to work, trying to work out finance. At last there are some moments of still and I find my self-sitting in Tyndale house, a scholars library. I am surround by brilliance, great minds, authors, scholars, sit at desks around me working on Phd’s and manuscripts for publications. I feel like I am swimming in very deep waters – and can only hope that some of the knowledge the people around me posses will spill over and seep into me.

The long suffering wife is beginning to find groups in Cambridge that she can attend, and to find a structure and rhythm to her day, my day being regulated by the ringing of the chapel bell which calls me to prayer.

Grace is a delight, a little harder to manage when it comes to changing nappies as she is really not a fan of being undressed or dressed and protest vigorously, however she is busy coasting around the furniture and occasionally lets go for a few moments and stands happily for a few seconds until she realizes she isn’t holding onto anything.

My studies are coming on well, and although I am waiting to hear whether the wonderful Dr Lahey will continue as my supervisor now I am attempting to finish my topic in a year instead of two, I have had some wonderful support and discussions with David Instone-Brewer.

Life is looking good!

Yours, a little less broken

The Broken Man

The calm

I am sitting in my living room, surrounded by boxes, waiting for the removal men to come and take away the seat i am sitting on. They will load it up along with everything else i own and on monday morning will unload at Cambridge.

I have spend all but one and a half years of my life in this general area. When I walk down the street I am on 'nodding' terms with the people I pass. I bump into old friends daily. Leaving will not be easy.

Since this last move i have grown close to one of my brothers again, we always knew we where there for each other but suddenly we where actually there physically. We have seen The long suffering wifes sister at least twice a week and have of course been actually living with my parents. Its not going to be easy moving on.

Dont get me wrong - i think this is a great move - its the right time, and there are benifits in a fresh start. An opportunity not to be know carries with it as many benifits as does being known.

Here I feel like I am chassing shadows, permently searching for pieces of my past I am not ready to let go of, will distance make it easier to be remade, reformed, molded into a diffrent image?

Slings and Bagdad

In two weeks time we move to Cambridge. Prior to that i still have an essay to finish. Its not going well and wants to make cry as so much does. However in other and far better news:

Grace is doing wonderfully she is now a startling eights months, which shows how badly i am doing on my blogging of late! She is an absolute delight. Those in the know will be impressed to hear - or pleased - that she is still a slung baby. She has never been in a pushchair! This has all led my mother to get a bit excited. From not being sure about slings to sold on them, completely. Of course she has to go the whole ten yards, so she has now redesigned slings for us (well for the wife, i put them on and wear Grace but dont pretend to know the difference between different types). This has naturally led to her selling them, and setting up a website (well the long suffering wife setting up a web site for her). Its all rather sweet really, and they seem very busy with it all which is just as well as i am buried under books - however being asked whether i like one type of material or another, and what i think of a particular design of nappy wrap, or if i think a 'play silk' is the right shade of whatever colour its meant to be is driving me slightly nuts. For those who dont know this is the same as a normal piece of silk apart from that its refereed to with the word play in front of it for some unexplainable reason). Further the adoption of the name 'nanny cool' is, in my humble opinion all a bit absurd. However I try to make encouraging noises...really i try...

In other news.. I had a meeting with one of the most remarkable men i have ever met yesterday. Canon Andrew White, the Vicar of Bagdad. Astounding work he is doing, and it seems there might be a chance to go out and spend a couple of weeks with him in Bagdad. The costs would be huge, and I have mixed feelings about whether its justified to try and raise the money for it. He belives it will be an encouragement to them to have someone come out, and i can do some publicity shoots when there, but its so much money, that bottom line, i will have to fund raise for.

What else would you like to know? Yes i will sort out some pics .. soon..honest.

First Word

Baby Grace is clearly destined to be a biblical scholar..her first word is Hebrew - Abba..I feel very proud indeed!

Apprentice

I haven't watched all of the apprentice series but have caught a few episodes, and it has made me think about this whole formation thing which is talked about in training for the priesthood.

Over a 10? week period a serious of people have all their flaws pointed out to them, and we the viewers watch in astonishment that the people on the show haven't already worked out this stuff about themselves. As I watched it this week and last week I thought what an awful thing to put yourself through, but how incredibly character forming. And then..the penny dropped..I am in a three year process where i am having a mirror held up to me - often far more gently than Alan Sugar would. Hopefully - by some miracle - by the end of it all i will have learnt something!

Yours as ever

The Broken Man

Assessed

I have just had through the write up from my current collage which is going in report to try and get me funding for an extra years training - so i will be able to do two years full time instead of one. This means i need a report that points out my weakness and highlights areas where i need to improve. Its still not easy reading though. My initial response on reading it was as ever to want to argue with every single point raised. However, that i am seen negatively should be valuable information for me - it should spur me onto change. Doesnt stop it stinging though.

As ever

The Broken Man

Snotty

Baby Grace has been unwell horrible cough, snotty, and of course that means the long suffering wife has also contracted illness - two sick girls. They both are looking a little green around the gills. I wish i was the lovely sympathetic caring type - in honesty though I am really not good with sick people. They sound so aweful when coughing.

I know i know this makes me a bad person...but seriously i just want them to get better, and then reappear...I know i should be soothing brows...I am trying..

Yours as ever,

The Broken Man
Luke Griffiss-Williams

Shhhh....it was a secret..

A blog list has just come throught from The place i am currently training for ordiantion - STETS, and they have requested that those with blogs put forward the addresses...and so...I am going public, this blog is becoming unanymonus..if that is a word...I feel somewhat nervous so please do be gentle with me!

(tips hat)

The Broken Man

Luke Griffiss-Williams

Unemployed

Yesterday was my last day in the working world - and as such i hope i will have more chance to update this blog. Wanting to get of to a good start - here i am. I have handed back my car keys, and said good bye to 8am-7pm work - well until i am ordained and then I am sure the hours will be far longer.

As I am going to be out of work, I am going to be a student! Yes indeed for the first time since i was 15 i am going to study full time. I have an interview at Cambridge next week, and am keeping my fingers crossed that i will get in. I have very mixed feelings - very sad to have left - but very excited about studying..

I am going to hit the books for a bit but honestly will try to keep you all posted, thanks as ever for the prayers and support

As requested..

Light

I am sorry for my silence. I have retreated for a while into darkness, but
it seems light is appearing.

Trying to remember where you are up to in the tale of my life :

I am bankrupt

I am going to be redundent as of the end of May

Life has looked a little dark - well very dark if truth be known. But..and
there is a but..there is hope, i may be able to transfer my training to
full time residential. I am applying for funding to spend the next two
years of my life as a student - the very thought of spending a portion of
my life where my only responsabilitys will be to learn, to study, and of
course more important still - to be a father to do my daughter is a thought
that electrifys me - the knowladge that it may not happen equilly teriffys
me.

I havent blogged much as there has seemed so little to say. When the bank
accounts where frozen i thought we would have a new account within a week
or two - it has taken six weeks. In that time we have lived hand to mouth -
or rather hand to friends. We have been provided for though - in moments
when we thought that we wouldnt get through people have stepped in, and I
thank God for that.

Currently i am working long hours - slipping behind in my studies - and the
pressure at work seems to be getting to be notched up each day.

Thank you as ever for your prayers, and sorry for neglecting you

Yours as ever

The Broken Man

Definition of a Broken Man

Just googled "broken man", and the urban dictionary definition is as follows:

broken man - 1 definition - (n.) someone who has fallen from grace. Living in poverty with a soiled reputation.

Many thanks for all your comment - I will respond soon. For now, I am hiding....


The Broken Man

Bankrupt

As of 10.30am, I am officially bankrupt. It's been coming for a long time really, and it means things are at least getting sorted. Huge layoffs are happening at work, and I may also be made redundant. The job market in the UK, as in the rest of the world currently, is problematic, but there is food on the table and baby Grace is smiling. My studies are slipping, motivation dwindling, but I'm still here, even if somewhat irregularly,

Yours, as broken as ever,

The Broken Man

Its been a while..

Thank you for all the good wishes and comments i have recived. I am trying to at least twitter once in a while should appear to the left of my posts..hopefully.

Things are messy in honesty folks. I have a meeting at 3pm today looking at my future with my company. Massive job cuts are being made and I am not hopefull that i will retain my job.

Work is very hard, and i am slipping behind in my studies. I seem to be getting up earlier each day and getting home from work later. I feel constantly as if i am about to break down into tears.

I heard from an old friend the other day, someone from way back when who told me that my first wife is now pregnant with her second child - with the man she left me for. I would not change things for the world - I would not wish for a moment to be back in that relationship - and I am very blessed to be with the long suffering wife who now tollerates me. Yet it still hurts, i cant define why - i should just be pleased that she is doing well in her life - but i find it difficult.


Baby Grace is doing fantasticly. On saturday and sunday mornings i get to spend some of that goldern time with her when she is smiley and happy and the world suddenly feels okay. The weekends vanish in a hase though - boxes still not fully unpacked - calls from banks and credit cards at least daily.

I am as ever broken, but i have not lost hope, have not lost faith, have not stopped holding onto God for dear life - I am however deep in the water - and as the saying goes - not waving - drowning

Yours as ever,

The Broken Man

Broken

I am as ever broken. The forms for the bankruptcy still haven’t been filled and the letters keep coming and the phone calls don’t stop demanding money yesterday. Work is manic right now and I seem to be on a downward spiral. The studies are not going well. I get home from work at 7pm and try to collect myself, the flat is chaos and I don’t seem to have time to sort it out.

Grace is at the age, the grand age of 10 weeks, where what she needs is her mother. When I am left holding her even for a few mins she quickly dissolves into tears, and I wonder what it is that I can offer her. She is to young too know who I am, and even if she did I don’t know it would help. I crawl into bed late and get up early, and the sleep deperavation takes its tole. I need a shower, cant remember when I last had one, know I need to bath grace, and yet the time escapes.

Not coping

As ever,

The Broken Man

On plants and gifts

Shortly after my daughter was born my mother presented me with a plant from my Nan. Or, rather, a basket with a variety of plants in it adorned with a pink bow. I have always been fairly straight talking with my mother and so expected it to come as no surprise when surveying this item I said “oh dear”. Of all the gifts that can be given plants are to my mind the cruellest. Cut flowers do not require substantial care; a potted plant, however, is a life time commitment of watering and reporting. If it is a plant that doesn’t particularly appeal to you this is an unbearable burden – in honesty even with plants I do find appealing the idea of committing to regular watering is beyond me.

Please note that this collection of plants was given just after the birth of my daughter, with the associated demands that this brings. If it was me rather the long suffering wife breast feeding I feel certain that I would forget to feed her, and I am rather fond of her.

My mother, instead of encouraging me to enter into a tirade explaining the finer points of my disapproval of the well meant gift, looked a bit crest fallen and told me she had chosen it. I felt this was an appropriate moment for back tracking and suggested that the plants were indeed very nice and that maybe it was the nasty pink bow that was putting me off. My mother explained that she had placed the bow on them.

Seven weeks on we have not completely emptied the flat yet – tonight is the final trip – and among the things that had not made it over yet was the aforementioned plant. This was not a deliberate attempt to kill it, but rather a result of the difficulties of transporting plants – and not liking it.

It was then with some surprise that I arrived home yesterday to discover the plant sitting on the windowsill in a bowl of water. I was shocked. Had I offended my wife in some way so serious that she would seek out this plant to punish me? No. My mother had helpfully gone to the flat and retrieved it.

I wonder what effect watering it with bleach will have?

On the subject of gifts, people did give us, or rather, Grace gifts at the dedication which was now over two weeks ago. As yet I have not sent thank you cards. I get home from work at 7pm at night and I then try to eat, sort out the flat, study.. thank you cards have become a little buried in this list. Yet I know people took time to choose them, and we are very grateful for them..but finding the time to say thank you.. I am attempting to block out an evening next week for it, but right now its not looking good.


Yours as ever

the broken man

A watched pot, upset parents, and tears

Living in shared accommodation has its advantages – and its disadvantages. My mother had an old kettle that seemed to me to take a week to boil. Speaking to a friend who said that he had saved a “small fortune” by heating his water on the gas stove my mother went out and brought a new £40 kettle to be placed on the stove, and chucked away the old and admittedly battered electric kettle. While the electric kettle was slow to come to the boil, the gas kettle is painfully slow. Because it doesn’t turn itself of, you have to sit in the kitchen with it. Watching it. Waiting for it.

I am a creature of habit. In the morning I go into the kitchen, put the kettle on, put my porridge in the microwave, go to the loo, come back, take my porrage from the microwave pour my cup of tea. Not now. Now I sit and wait. I know its not long. Really I do. It is probably only two or three minutes longer. Yet it feels like 10-15mins. The watched kettle takes an age, the minutes dragging by painfully. Infuriated by the delay I make a search of the internet only to discover that a gas kettle does not save any money at all. It may even be more expensive. The damage is already done however, the new kettle has been brought and we must live with it. Or not have a cup of tea.

In other news the long suffering wife continues to do battle with other mums. Someone on her “list” sent out a recommendation of a book talking about how good routines are for children. Of course the long suffering wife had just been reading an article providing showing that routines create more tears, less sleep, and more stress all around. She duly circulated the article to the list – a move designed to generate feelings of hatred among the rest of the group only slightly less than her correct statement that cot death risks don’t decrees after six weeks but increase so it really isn’t the time to put your baby in a nursery.

Today I want to cry. I can find a reason. I want to stop the world and get off. Maybe it’s the kowladge of all the things I have still to collect from the old flat. Or the bankruptcy forms I haven’t finised filling out, or the pressure of work, or..Maybe its an accumulation of things, but whatever is causing it I want to hide under the duvet and vanish for a while. I am at work, its my lunch break – yet I wish I was at home, in a golden happy moment with my daughter smiling happily. I know I will not get home till seven or so by which time Grace will be struggling with colic (advice on remerdies not required). I know I will not eat till eight. I know I still have studying to do. I know when I do get home I will have to sit and wait for the kettle to boil.

I have read all your replies as ever – updates received on my phone which is far to difficult to reply on. I am listening even when I don’t answer. I am reading if sporadically your blogs even when I don’t post to your boards. Blah

Yours as broken as ever

The Broken Man

Learning to be a parent

It seems, according to those who are part of my long suffering wife’s mum and babies group that children need to learn. And be awake. Often the babies in the group are awake and crying, with mothers desperately trying to keep them awake until its time for their nap. They comment that our daughter seems to be always asleep." Not always" we say, "just when she is tired."

On Monday, a group of the mums and babies go to baby massage. Tuesday is swimming with instructor. Wednesday is sensory day. Thursday the group meets. On Fridays there is baby yoga, and sign and sing. The long suffering wife asked me if I thought she was doing enough with our girl. Is she depriving her?

I looked at our now seven week old girl, snuggled up in a sling. "No", I replied. She likes to be cuddled, to sleep, to drink milk, to wee and poo. We talk to her, we read to her (sometimes children’s books, yesterday Martin Luther’s address to the German Nobility). Do I think that, surrounded in colour, sound and activity we need to go to a class which specialising in sensation? No. Does she need a massage? No, just a cuddle. Swimming lesson? I think she is a little young for that, she enjoys being in the pool - £10 an hour to tell her how she should be in it seems a little high.

People ask us “is she good”. I reply, "I don’t think she has a concept of Good and Evil yet. I have read her Nietzsche, asked her for an opinion on Eugenics, I have questioned her on whether she has established a firm ethical frame work, and whether she believes that good and evil should be determined by an external body, or whether it is the ability to act in accordance with your own convictions. Whether or not those convictions can in themselves be evil, and whether intention and action carry equal weight. She has not provided much response to any of these enquires. She did smile when we discussed ethical relativism, I am not sure if this is a good or bad sign." They look at me a bit confused, and tell me that their kids were very bad but are sleeping better now. Often, after hearing my difficulty in defining my daughter as good or bad, people suddenly remember somewhere they should be and have to leave in a hurry. That’s okay though. I don’t like people much.

We curl up on the sofa, and life seems very good indeed. My daughter looks so so happy..then she cries..and I put her in the sling again, and open up "Ethics" by Bonheoffer in the hope that we can clear this all up..

Yours as ever,

The Broken Man